Being my son is a big responsibility

Posted on June 2, 2011


Son, here’s a list of things that I suck at. I’m telling you this because I fully expect to re-live my life through you, and I plan to do it better this time. I could just compensate for my inadequacies the way most people would and buy a Hummer or something, but you know how I feel about global warming. So no pressure, but I’m pretty much counting on you to make up for my lameness.

I’ve listed below four primary areas where walking in my footsteps won’t quite cut it.

  • Sports: I sucked at just about all sports. Not because I didn’t have potential, but because I didn’t have the balls to take part in any real way. I mean, I had balls–tennis, soccer, baseballs–but I didn’t have the balls to go out and use them. The pressure associated with potentially letting the whole team down was just too much. So you’ll need to become a star quarterback or something.


  • Girlfriends: You need to at least have one before, say, your 30th birthday. That would make up for a lot right there. And if she actually knows that she’s your girlfriend, well, that would be even better. Of course, I’d be beside myself if she was even happy about it. But let’s just take one step at a time.


  • Music: I didn’t suck at music; I sucked at practicing. I was always second-best, never first position. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that being first all the time is important; it’s just that being second all the time is tremendously unsatisfying. So I’m afraid that between soccer, baseball, hockey and girls, you’ll need to practice music a lot. I’ve already promised copies of your CD to a bunch of people at work.


  • Sense of style: Let’s face it, I’ve been dressing the same way since they came out with jeans that could fit over diapers. The only exception was that time in the 70s, but that really just proves my point: I suck at dressing myself. Rather than say, “Goodbye” every morning, your mom’s usual parting words are, “Um, honey, you’re not going to work dressed like that are you?” So do us both a favor and develop a sense of style. But make it cheap; our budget for compensating for my inadequacies is limited.


Maybe it’s not fair to put this kind of pressure on you. But being my child is a big responsibility.

I know you’re up for it.