One-liners from the Twittersphere: funny tweets I couldn’t let die

 

Those of you that have been kicking around this place for awhile know that I also waste my time over on Twitter. Twitter started as a way to tell the world what you had for breakfast or what coffee shop you’re sitting in, and other really important stuff like that. Some people still use it that way. But many people use it for what it is truly best suited: to waste vast amounts of otherwise valuable time coming up with 140-character ways to whine about problems that most people would kill to have.

I’ve been known to whine on occasion on Twitter, and I may have even mentioned what I had for breakfast. Most likely, I was whining about what I had for breakfast. I’m efficient that way. But I also use Twitter to offload all the random silliness that, if left multiplying in my head, would eventually build up enough pressure to start streaming out at entirely inappropriate times. I might, for example, interrupt a business meeting to ask if anyone in the room has actually ever tried to find a needle in a haystack and point out that, given the lack of any real data, we shouldn’t just assume that it is as difficult as conventional wisdom may have us believe. So instead, I ask Twitter.

Every once in awhile, I collect a bunch of recent tweets and post them here. Sorry.

My son’s school is starting a wrestling program for boys grades 4-7. I thought we already had that–it’s called play dates.

“We’ll see” is what parents say when we mean, “The answer will be ‘no’ but I’m too wussy to say it.”

On this day in 1753 a mother was heard saying, “For the last time, Billy, get your shoes on, we’re going to be late.”

On this day in 1753 a boy was heard saying, “Mom, where’s my other shoe?”

PATIENCE n. something that, like sleep, parents are frequently losing.

Just how many necks do woods actually have?

Yes I did just spend 15 minutes looking for matching socks, but think of all the time I saved not sorting them when I put them away.

I would have brought change if I had known that the road to success was a toll road.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have made a decision. That’s it. Just thought you should know. It doesn’t happen every day.

I bet Bruce Springsteen doesn’t have a singing toothbrush. Maybe someday he’ll make it big like Justin Bieber. http://pic.twitter.com/nD2dlLFf

My son has been playing a popular trading game at school. It’s called the Cold and Flu. Why can’t he just play soccer like other kids?

It’s almost 11 pm here and I’m still not rich. Weird.

I use single quotes instead of double quotes because I only mean half of what I say.

Breaking up is hard to do. Have to unfriend, unTriberr, de-Google+, ex-Pinterest, unfollow, de-list, uninstagram, LinkOut, unstumble…

The critics agree: Barmy who? Who names their kid Barmy? That’s just silly.

My son’s 2-step process for decision-making. Step 1: Did mom or dad say it? If yes, then it’s total hooey. Step 2: There is no Step 2.

Dear son, you really want to know why? Because cleaning your room is less painful than the alternative. I promise.

Saying, “That music sounds like fingernails on a whiteboard,” just doesn’t have the same dramatic impact.

Anyone know why they named the recently averted fiscal crisis after a character from the sitcom Cheers? So old school.

Rather than being a “taker”, I prefer to think of myself as an enabler for givers.

I hope you all realize that going “a mile a minute” is only 60 miles per hour.

The sign says “Men Working Above” but listening to these guys talk, I think “Dudes, like, working yo” would be more accurate.

Mayans were tough on their unions. After the Great Calendar Workers Strike of the year 250, their jobs were eliminated entirely.

I don’t know which I’m asking my son to change more, his attitude or his underwear.

My son has a Cerebral Eeyortex: the part of a child’s brain that causes them to whine like a donkey every time they’re asked to do chores.

You know virgins are a totally non-renewable resource, right?

Little known fact: The Mayans counted time in dog years. You do the math.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

Me: “Please go brush your teeth.” My son: “Why do I have to do everything around here?” Ummm…

Person who found my blog searching “how we grow in our forties” The answer you’re looking for is: horizontally.

Person who found my blog searching “how do i find out what kind of glasses I have”: Two steps: a) put them on, b) look in mirror.

Newly inherited in-laws can be so judgmental. Like our kids, though, they eventually learn to lower their expectations of us.

“Yes, son, of course you can have a sleepover. Go call a friend and ask if you can sleep there.” And he says we never let him do stuff.

Is today Opposite Day? If not, I’m screwed. Wait, no, I’m not screwed. Well, if it is, I’m not but if it isn’t I am. Or not.

Parenting loses some of its attractiveness once your kid begins to realize you’re actually human.

Half: whichever side of the cookie is the largest. #ChildMath

I think my son uses “I’m going to” as a short form of “I’m going to consider doing it eventually, probably.”

I’m going to market Lego Certified steel-soled safety slippers and make a bazillion dollars.

Little known fact: The xylophone was invented by an alphabet book writer with writer’s block.

“I need it”: What a child says when they mean, “I don’t really, but I’m prepared to make your life miserable if I don’t get it.”

My son seems to think my money and my energy are both renewable resources.

What do you say all of us parents get together and agree to keep our kids believing in cooties until they’re, say, 25?

Child not responding when you say, “clean your room”? Try saying this: “Blabglrth flubrthmer imf. That’s what they hear anyway.

Google suggested my blog when someone searched “how to teach your child to not smell playmate ass.” I am an essential resource.

The new guy at work is fond of the red exclamation mark on his emails. I’d respond to his emergencies but I’m too busy tweeting about ’em.

Honey, hurry up and finish the damn puzzle. We’ve been driving in circles for hours. http://pic.twitter.com/OqtWGMlz

No, I can’t. But I also won’t wake up with “LAME” written in permanent ink on my forehead. http://pic.twitter.com/zST6eFRl

I assume that by “causes” they are referring to my mother in law. #SkyMallTweets http://pic.twitter.com/9gNIzk3m

Finally, a solution for those too lazy to use their other hand. http://pic.twitter.com/FMESwcCu

This just in: Fox News reports that the election was faked in the same soundstage where the moon landing was faked.

If you want to rock the teachers’ vote, print the ballot in Comic Sans.

Little known fact: They tell us in Canada the election results first but we’re not allowed to say anything until the U.S. is notified.

Election? Really? Today? They really need to spend more money on promoting these things.

People who make up laws on their own w/o talking to anybody first are usually called evil dictators, but Newton was knighted. Weird.

I just voted. And living outside the U.S. means that if the other candidate wins, I’ll already have moved to Canada! I win either way.

You know, if you took the time to get to know zombies, you’d realize that they’re just looking for a little piece of mind.

Rootstock’s 2nd Law of Motion: The more badly a parent wants to see their child move, the less likely it is to happen.

Rootstock’s 3rd Law: For every parental action there’s an opposite, completely disproportionate, & totally un-called-for reaction.

Who the hell looks in haystacks for needles anyway?

Physics isn’t parenting, it’s just rocket science.

OK, time to sign off; there’s limited bandwidth on this plane and I’m interfering with the pilot’s porn download.

At the airport…again. Every time this guy at the gate sneezes I’m that much more sure I’ll be stuck sitting next to him.

Not a single Sexy Caillou costume this year. Weird. #Halloween

Halloween is the first time many children get to hear their parents say, “Do as I say, not as I do.” I’m getting all nostalgic, sorry.

I’m not questioning his judgment, but things might be different if God had rested on day 6 and picked things up again on day 7.