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An important message from the makers of I’ve Become My Parents

November 11, 2013

Well hello valued IBMP readers. The fine folks in IBMP’s Quality Assurance Division have been working tirelessly as part of our continuous effort to improve your reading experience. Unfortunately, they all suck and will be fired just before the holidays when it has the greatest impact. So in the absence of a better reading experience, the […]

How to get what you want. Or not.

November 3, 2013

Son, your amazing ability to want everything you see is equaled only by your tireless commitment to not expending any energy to get it. Go figure. I get it: you want a Bugatti. It looks cool and it goes super fast. Well, actually, it has the potential to go fast–about 5 times faster than you’ll […]

Beware the vengeful squirrel

July 29, 2013

I get it: you’re scared to sleep in that room. First of all, son, they aren’t dead pet bunnies; they’re dead pet bunnies’ ashes. And the boxes are totally sealed. How evil could the ghosts of dead bunnies be, anyway? What’re they going to do, wiggle their little ghost-noses at you until you piss yourself with fear? […]

Making sense of terrible tween logic

April 3, 2013

Son, you have the best parents ever. All the other parents are just mumbling under their breath, “I can’t wait until Billy has kids of his own, then he’ll understand. Then it’ll be payback time!” I, on the other hand, am giving you the tools you’ll need to make sense of your Terrible Tween and […]

Please dad, I promise I won’t run over any hookers

March 21, 2013

You started by crashing your Hot Wheels but that wasn’t enough. You discovered Minecraft and quickly realized that you could build entire cities out of TNT and blow them up. That was cool, but just not the same as crashing cars. You discovered cheesy car crash games for your iPod and had to download every […]

When did dances get this complicated?

March 4, 2013

It’s great to be back! If you’ve just joined us (thank you, by the way), the Editor in Chief, Executive Editor, Head Writer, Creative Director, Best Boy and the entire Pencil Sharpening Team here at IBMP took a break from the Interwebs for a few weeks. Upon returning, I was pleased to see the universe […]