Please dad, I promise I won’t run over any hookers

Posted on March 21, 2013


Modern tennis

You started by crashing your Hot Wheels but that wasn’t enough.

You discovered Minecraft and quickly realized that you could build entire cities out of TNT and blow them up. That was cool, but just not the same as crashing cars.

You discovered cheesy car crash games for your iPod and had to download every one even though most of them had 1-star reviews. Then you complained they sucked (surprise).

You found the iPod games unsatisfying and were frustrated that I wouldn’t let you take my real car and crash it even though it would be way cooler.

Then one of your friends whose parents have, let’s just say, a different parenting style than mom and me, told you about Grand Theft Auto and you wrote mom this email:


I know Grand Theft Auto is an inappropriate game, but just hear me through! I wouldn’t shoot anyone or hurt anyone on purpose. I would only drive around crashing my car. I would be careful not to hit anyone and turn off the volume when I play.

I also will only drive and crash planes, helicopters, boats and trains! I promise!!!! I don’t want to play bad games and all, but for years I have been looking for games where I could drive things around a giant city and crash them. It has a lot of variety too. I would only play free play so I wouldn’t have to do bad missions! I know about all of this in case you’re wondering, from somebody at school that you don’t know, but he’s Nicks friend. I was wondering if I could get the game and only do what I mentioned in this email, no bad stuff at all! I love you!!

Yours truly,


First, I need to ask: Why can’t we get you to write like this for school assignments? Honestly, if it were based solely on your sudden demonstration of ability to write a compelling argument using full sentences, I’d be buying you Grand Theft Auto and tossing in Mortal Kombat as a bonus. But it’s not.

Next, if it were based solely on your total awesomeness when it comes to wanting to do the right thing, I’d be buying you Grand Theft Auto, Mortal Kombat and a year’s subscription to Maxim. But it’s not.

I have no problem with you wanting to crash cars (virtually, please); I kind of have to draw the line, though, when you’re crashing your cars into otherwise innocent crackheads as they proposition mostly-naked foul-mouthed hookers who just finished servicing violent murdering gangsta thugs.

So, I take it Club Penguin’s no longer really doing it for you, then?