I get it: you’re scared to sleep in that room.
First of all, son, they aren’t dead pet bunnies; they’re dead pet bunnies’ ashes. And the boxes are totally sealed.
How evil could the ghosts of dead bunnies be, anyway? What’re they going to do, wiggle their little ghost-noses at you until you piss yourself with fear? The only known case of a rabbit attacking a human was in a Monty Python movie, and I’m pretty sure that was only inspired by a true story. But if it really makes you feel better, we can remove the bunny ashes from the room.
And second, what you probably don’t realize is that there’s even fresher dead stuff stuck in the room’s walls. Remember that awful stench a few months ago? Any idea why it smelled like there was rotting flesh in the walls for about 2 weeks? Because there was rotting flesh in the walls for about 2 weeks, that’s why.
It was probably a mouse or a rat. Maybe a squirrel. Most likely, it crawled through a hole in the attic wall, made it’s way along the wall and eventually, being the stupid little critter it was, got lost and couldn’t find its way back out. If you want to be scared of something, be scared of vengeful squirrel-ghosts.
I’m not saying you’re wrong to be scared; I’m not saying it’s silly to be scared, or that there’s nothing to be scared about. Fear is fear, whether rationally generated or not.
When I was your age, I put myself at ease by sneaking my dad’s gun out of the safe, grabbing a box of bullets from the cabinet and keeping both by my bed. That probably wasn’t a great idea, but since your primary concern appears to be bunny ghosts, I’m not sure how exactly that would help anyway. Guns are far more effective against live stuff.
The truth is, your fears are real but irrational. As a dad, I want to be able to help you solve your problems. If you were still 4 years old, I could pretend I saw the bunny ghosts get on a bus with tickets to Edmonton or something. You’d buy my totally irrational explanation and go to bed comfortable in the idea that they were gone.
But you’re twelve. You are selectively rational. You have no problem believing that the ghosts of long-dead pet bunnies will try to snuff you out in the dark of night while you sleep. Sure, that sounds totally reasonable. Yet my suggestion that they left on the bus to Edmonton? Completely irrational: “Daaaduh! Ghosts don’t ride busses! Why would a ghost need to ride a bus? They can just fly!”
Right. What was I thinking?
Steph
July 29, 2013
“If you were still 4 years old, I could pretend I saw the bunny ghosts get on a bus with tickets to Edmonton or something.”
That’s the most rational thing I’ve seen on the Internet all year. And totally believable. I think I might get my husband to say this to me whenever I’m being irrational. Which is fairly frequently.
Good to see you on the internets Barmy! Say hello to that awesome Minecrafter if yours.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
July 29, 2013
I pride myself on my ability to rationalize! Clearly, my son has inherited the skill. 😉
sheenmeem
July 29, 2013
Ha Ha, your way of comforting your child is anything but comforting.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
July 29, 2013
So, you don’t think pointing out the dead things in the walls is the best way to comfort my son? Now you tell me!
(between you and me, I didn’t actually say that to him. Shhhhh!)
Escaping Elegance
July 29, 2013
My 8yo is at a selectively rational stage at the moment. I miss the days when his gullibility was a given. Luckly, I still have the 6yo…
Great post… as always!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
July 30, 2013
That’s reason enough to keep having more kids!
Wait…maybe I’m being just a bit irrational there. Anyway, I do miss the gullible days…
modernfatheronline
July 29, 2013
Thank God I read this in the morning. I don’t need no dead bunny ghosts haunting my dreams.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
July 30, 2013
Yeah, I just added “Horror” to my list of genres that I write. Although, there’s only one other genre on the list and I’m not even sure “B.S.” counts as a genre…
Charlene Woodley
July 29, 2013
Haha! Love your parenting skills – very creative! 🙂
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
July 30, 2013
Thanks, Charlene. Somewhere on this blog is a page full of great parenting advice. And, like the approach above, I strongly recommend not taking any of it!
Charlene Woodley
July 30, 2013
Thanks for the follow AND the recommendation! 🙂
@AnOrdinaryDad
July 30, 2013
Ugh. I
@AnOrdinaryDad
July 30, 2013
Ugh. I was hoping my three year old’s irrational fears of dark clouds would pass quickly, but 12? There is no hope for me…
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
July 30, 2013
Sorry, man. But, you know, dark clouds are indeed something to be feared. Regular clouds have silver linings, but dark clouds’ linings are, like, pewter or something worthless like that.
sunnydelay
July 31, 2013
Nothing like a child to put things in perspective, and give us the opportunity to respond in kind! Enjoyed the read and it put a smile on my face….thanks!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
August 2, 2013
There is no better lens (nor more frightening) than looking through the eyes of a child. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
beeabeauty
August 2, 2013
You absolutely cracked me up! My brother is 12 and this is just as bad as him going on about why does the tooth fairy never visit him. Keep the stories up 🙂
Fodder 4 Fathers (Adam)
August 2, 2013
I have to say, in reverse, my daughter freaked me out when she was 18 months old by talking to an empty bookcase – and kids aren’t supposed to have imaginary friends at that age. Oh, there is stuff out there to be scared of…
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
August 2, 2013
Yeah, that first time your barely speaking child says, “I see dead people” is always a bit of a shocker. You’ll get over it soon enough, Adam, and before you know it you’ll be back to sleeping with the light off.
EmKay
August 2, 2013
Wonderful. Brings me back to my fear of a bag under my bed. I checked in every morning in the daylight. It just had old stuffed animals in it. At night it transformed into a terrible black gold stripped monster. No one believed me and look how I turned out…errr
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
August 2, 2013
I think you can sue your parents for willful child endangerment for having kept you in the room with the evil bag from Hell. It’s a miracle that you lived to talk about it.
EmKay
August 4, 2013
Indeed. I write to cope.
Chris Purchase
August 3, 2013
I’m still scared of the dark so when my kids come in and say “Dad there’s monsters in our room” I’m like “shhh they’ll hear you! “
brianrsorrell
August 5, 2013
While vacationing in Arizona, just this week, my son witnessed the slaughter of a rattlesnake that nearly struck me. Little did I know snakes would, in fact, be a rational fear while on holiday. The child is not amused.
Nichole
August 18, 2013
This just made my night. Too funny.
moreissuesthantimemagazine
August 20, 2013
Hey there! I nominated you for The Very Inspiring Blogger Award. Please get the badges at http://wp.me/1Kc0N and follow the instructions!
seattledad
August 24, 2013
Funny stuff Barmey.
Alicia@AllPrettyThings
August 28, 2013
Oh, dear… I almost spilled my milk (cereal and milk breakfast, I must specify before you get any ideas) while reading this. We just had a similar conversation about… of all the monsters and hideous animals in this world!… ants 🙂 There was one in the kitchen and my 10 1/2 yo would not go to bed – afraid of ants. I should have used the dead mouse in the wall thing – at least nobody would fall asleep anymore (including, or especially grandma 🙂 )
Jan Zographos
September 4, 2013
Amusing, I like it 🙂