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The teens they are a’changin’

March 9, 2015

Son, you’ve heard of dog years but what about teen years? Here’s how that works: to calculate a teen’s age in people years, you need to subtract 10. So, a kid who’s been on the planet for 13 years is really about 3 in people years. I figured this out through a highly scientific study […]

And may all your Fridays be Black

November 29, 2013

Well, happy Thanksgivnukah! This is one of those great years when Chanukah comes way before that other holiday. Why is that so great? Because Chanukah isn’t buried behind a bazillion lumens of multi-colored lights, drowned out by non-stop jingly music and pushed off the shelves by 5,000 different kinds of Christmas cards. Now, before you […]

I think I’m in love

September 10, 2013

Hey, son, I think I’m in love with your friend. No, not like that. Well, kind of like that. Granted, she’s 12 and I’m just a wee bit older, but it’s not that kind of love so don’t give me that look you gave Uncle Dave when he said he wanted to be a Mall […]

Beware the vengeful squirrel

July 29, 2013

I get it: you’re scared to sleep in that room. First of all, son, they aren’t dead pet bunnies; they’re dead pet bunnies’ ashes. And the boxes are totally sealed. How evil could the ghosts of dead bunnies be, anyway? What’re they going to do, wiggle their little ghost-noses at you until you piss yourself with fear? […]

6 things that are different when your child goes to camp

July 14, 2013

Son, parents love to tell parents-to-be to get ready because everything changes when you have kids. Well, duh. Raise your hand if you thought you could bring a baby home from the hospital, set the quiet little bundle in the corner next to the keg and go help the band finish setting up. I thought […]

The Sex Talk Version 2.0

April 14, 2013

I wonder if it’s too late to have The Talk with my dad. We never really did have that talk, and I know he’s had sex at least 3 times, so it could be interesting to get his perspective on it all. I only say this, because when I was your age, son, I never […]