And may all your Fridays be Black

Posted on November 29, 2013

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Black Friday at the mall

Well, happy Thanksgivnukah!

This is one of those great years when Chanukah comes way before that other holiday. Why is that so great? Because Chanukah isn’t buried behind a bazillion lumens of multi-colored lights, drowned out by non-stop jingly music and pushed off the shelves by 5,000 different kinds of Christmas cards. Now, before you get all uppity and call me a Scroogey Christmas-hating buzzkiller, I’m not saying Christmas is bad; I’m just saying that most years Chanukah is pretty damn hard to find behind all that Christmas hoopla.  Let me also say that, having successfully deployed the word “hoopla,” my blogging bucket list is nearly complete.

It’s also Thanksgiving weekend in the U.S. Thanksgiving is the day when we celebrate the version of history in which Pilgrims and Native Americans began a wonderful mutually beneficial relationship and had a big feast to commemorate their new status as BFFs. A few hundred years later the Native Americans seem to have lost interest in celebrating it. Weird.

We’ve been living in Canada for 7 years now, and up here they celebrate Thanksgiving in October. I’ve asked a few people what it’s about and why it’s in October, but nobody seems to really know. My wife says it’s about the harvest, but as far as I can tell, Canadians got tired of the U.S. getting first billing on all the good holidays. So, yeah, Thanksgiving? Been there; done that, like, a month ago.

The U.S. still owns Black Friday, though. That’s the day that all our best values and virtues come together to…um, go somewhere else. But lest you think they’ve gone to Canada, I should point out that roughly 95% of Canadians are in the U.S. right now; they’ve been sleeping in line outside Best Buy since about mid-May.

Canadian stores have been trying to do the whole Black Friday thing, too, and it’s really close to being successful. The only things left now are to increase Canada’s population to something a little bigger than California’s, find a way to get everybody the day off work, and maybe have prices that aren’t way higher than those just across the border. I recon they’re on the verge.

What does all this have to do with becoming my parents? Beats me; I just wanted to wish you a happy Thanksgivnuka.

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