Welcome to this week’s edition of WTF Wednesday where your questions are my reason to lie through my teeth.
Today’s question comes to us anonymously via the IBMP search term referrals.
Dear IBMP,
What are some considerations when talking to parents?
I’m forced to make some assumptions here. I’m going to assume, for example, that you are not referring to your own parents. If you are of legal Googling age and still looking for considerations when talking to your parents, I’m afraid you are beyond help.
Assuming that you are looking for advice about communicating with others’ parents, you are most likely in that unfortunate position of being a pubescent teen or pre-teen preparing to meet your date’s parents.
Here at the IBMP Headquarters we take our job quite seriously. It’s for this reason that we only answer questions about which we have considerable expertise. That rules out the obvious: ancient Roman birdcall whistles, some of the finer points of goat’s milk cheesemaking, and programming most modern PVRs. Other than that, it’s pretty much all fair game.
My expertise in the area of dating has been made evident in various posts to date (like this one, this one and this one), and having a ten year-old, I’m quite familiar with the parental perspective on teen dating. That is to say, you are in luck.
The range of scenarios is beyond the scope of this blog depending on how one wishes to interpret “parents”, whether you are the guy or the girl, whether your date is of the same or opposite sex to you and so on. If the date is of the same sex, is this also a coming out moment for your date? You can see that this gets complicated quickly. We’ll keep it relatively simple and assume you’re the guy picking up the girl and meeting a mom and dad or the step-versions of one or the other.
Your ideal situation is one in which both the mom and the dad are together in the room at all times and your date is by your side. This is the safest situation as the mother will usually help keep the father in line and your date has the power of the stink eye to wield against her parents. Never underestimate the power of teen girl stink eye.
Here are some considerations:
1. I’m not sure why this is, but your instinct will be to refer to them as “Sir” and “Ma’am.” Don’t. It’s not the bloody 18th century. It sets up expectations that you’ll never be able to meet, not the least of which is the father’s expectation that you’ll actually ask his permission for his daughter’s hand in marriage.
2. Avoid ever being left alone with the father. Dads of daughters are wired in complex ways. If you find yourself in this situation, your best plan is to pretend you left something in the car and once outside, continue walking.
3. One good rule of thumb when conversing with the father is to think like you’re at airport security: speak only when spoken to, never volunteer any information unless specifically asked to provide it, and never, ever joke about anything.
4. Dad’s going to take one of two strategic tacks and either one sucks for you. Either he’ll look you in the eye and tell you that if you so much as touch his daughter he’ll rip your dick off and feed it to the dog, or he’ll get all chummy, offer you a beer and wink while asking if you’re hoping to get lucky tonight. In the first case, nod and look sincere while you pray it all ends quickly. In the second case, do not under any circumstances nod, smile, or otherwise return the chumminess. It’s a trap. The proper response is something like, “No, Mr. Smith, I don’t drink. I haven’t had a drink since my castration.”
5. My wife suggests: don’t mention the motorcycle or that you can play Oh, Canada with your armpit. Also keep the times you’ve outrun the cops to yourself, and don’t kick the dog if he starts to hump your leg. Don’t hit on your date’s sister, and if you use the bathroom, put the *&#$! toilet seat down.
Problem solved. You’re welcome!
I’m sure some of our readers will have recommendations for you as well.
I've become my parents 
Jen
December 7, 2011
Hahaha such good advice, I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for 5 years, living with him for 2 and he’s still terrified of being left alone in a room with my dad!!xx
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 7, 2011
It could be the collection of your ex-boyfriends’ heads that your dad keeps on the mantle 😉
whatimeant2say
December 7, 2011
Great advice. But we’re still not going to let Dimples date until she’s 40.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 7, 2011
Always the best option. Hehe…
Heather Monica
December 7, 2011
With four daughters aged 9, 10, 12 and 13, those scenarios are more of an impending reality than an entertaining blog post… And with a retired marine/cop/k9 trainer/firearms instructor hubbie and 6 sons, the simple fact of the matter is any potential suitors are totally screwed. I always said, any boy that comes to our door for a date will be one of 2 things….high, and needs a drug test ASAP or truly in love and needs to be castrated…ASAP. Your post will be printed, laminated and used like pre-flight instructions with special attention given to emergency escape routes via back room sliding doors and garage. Thanks for keepin’ it real, homeslice…werd.
Tara Fly
December 7, 2011
ROFL Heather! Laminated instructions and emergency escape routes! I’m surprised you’re admitting there are potential methods of escape! 😉
My husband wants to lock down our house like Alcatraz when our daughters become interested in boys… no chisling away at the walls to sneak off for moonlit rendezvous. 😛
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 7, 2011
Hahaha. Sucks to be your kids’ suitors! You’ll find that if you leave the carcasses of the first few guys out in front of your house, it will greatly decrease the number of suitors over time.
thejuicewa
December 7, 2011
Great insight! I personally believe though that for whatever background you come from, as long as you are courteous and respectful of the parent’s their beliefs and their daughter you need not fear anything.
angrymiddleagewoman
December 7, 2011
Bwaaahhhaaahhaahhaa – I’m sorry that was rude. I was just caught off guard by your comment and stunned when I realized you might be serious.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 7, 2011
Now you tell me! Where were you when I was dating?
angrymiddleagewoman
December 7, 2011
I really like:
“One good rule of thumb when conversing with the father is to think like you’re at airport security: speak only when spoken to, never volunteer any information unless specifically asked to provide it, and never, ever joke about anything.”
When my husband met my father for the first time my father actually said these words, “What are your intentions with my daughter?”
We’ve been married 19+ years now and I think my Dad might be close to trusting my husband.
worrywarts-guide-to-weight-sex-and-marriage
December 7, 2011
Angry – My dad said that, too! I wanted to kick him! “Hey Dad, we’ve known each other for two weeks, his intentions are find out whether or not I share his love of Alfred Hitcock movies (yes) and Stephen King books (no).” The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree because two weeks later I introduced the same boyfriend to a neighbor, “This is Tony, the love of my life (oops did I say that out loud).” That was 28 years ago, so I guess dads know.
Sorry to ramble IBMP – I’ll go back to my own blog. I always love visiting yours!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 7, 2011
Hey I happen to like your rambling! So what do you think would happen if, when I meet a girl that my son is taking on a date, I ask her what her intentions with my son are? I’m going to have to try that, for sure.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 7, 2011
19 years…that may be a record! So, what did your husband actually say to your father? I never got that question but always wondered what I’d say if confronted with it.
angrymiddleagewoman
December 8, 2011
We’d been dating for a while before my (future) husband met my father so he did say, “My intention is to marry her sir” and then he did about a year later. Definitely ask any girl dating your son that question. She’ll be floored!
Tara Fly
December 7, 2011
Love this! My husband did too, although he never had those awkward moments with *my* father (because we met and married as adults…) LOL
Our favorite bit was the chummy winking and asking whether or not you’d hope to get lucky! For pity’s sake, don’t ever say “Yes” to that!! ;D
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 7, 2011
That’s an advantage of marying later in life that we don’t hear much about. Seems to me it’s a pretty good reason!
Answering “yes” to that questions is like agreeing with your wife when she says, “This makes me look fat doesn’t it?” Deadly mistake indeed!
Sara June
December 7, 2011
Ahhh, so glad my boyfriend and my dad like each other and are good friends. Some of these are tough!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 7, 2011
Just make sure your boyfriend knows how good he’s got it. 🙂
Joy Parker
December 7, 2011
My father always suggested that the best way to deal with the teenaged daughters-and-boys-dating situation was to lock my sister and me in the closet between the ages of 13 and 21. Fortunately, my mom vetoed that idea.
My friend Joe, who is Italian, had another solution. When his daughter began to date. He would greet all her boyfriends by sitting on the porch wearing a muscle shirt and pumping iron.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 7, 2011
I don’t know what I’d do if I had a daughter but I suspect I’d be putting some new deadbolts on the closet, too.
Well Joe is obviously more a more convincing muscle shirt-wearing, iron pumping menace than I’d be. 🙂
SarahAlice
December 8, 2011
It’s tough being the daughter who is dating the boyfriend here. There’s the want for your Dad not to embarrass you sufficiently that you start to match your magenta sweater, and then there’s the want to get out of the house as fast as possible before the winking and chummy stage. The worst case scenario is when your parents like your boyfriend because your Dad knows he can squash him like a fly, and he feels he is so ineffective as a fellow male that he poses no threat whatsoever. In fact, he even doubts he has genitalia.
And then you appreciate the joys of moving out, etc. (:
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 11, 2011
It’s nice to get the girl’s perspective here. I, unfortunately would have been in that worst case scenario. Dads loved me precisely because I was absolutely harmless. Of course, the girls saw me that way as well, which made me rather a dull date. But then, I was the only one on the date who actually thought of it as a date…
Paul Ellis
December 9, 2011
As the father of three girls, I agree with all of them except number one.
When meeting the parents *DO* follow your instinct and refer to them as “Sir” and “Ma’am.” The reason is simple. The parents, the father in particular, are already going to have an unrealistic expectation of your behavior. And if you start off with “Hey Buzz and Mildred”, it’s not going to bode well for you. After all, if you are showing the parents a lack of respect, how much respect are they going to think you will show their daughter? I’ll tell you, the same amount as the chance you’ll take her out of their house again; none.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 11, 2011
How’d you know I dated Buzz and Mildred’s daughter? 😉
I shall cede to your expertise. My experience is limited to a single 10 year old — of course, that’s never stopped me before from providing advice!
GOF
December 10, 2011
I would like to humbly claim some credentials to comment as the father of a 29 year-old daughter who has never been able to hold onto a boyfriend for longer than a few days. Most of the credit for this wonderful fatherly achievement should however be given to my previously discussed electric cattle prodder. Every parent should own one of these multi-purpose pieces of technology..
Great discussion…..really enjoyed your advice….even if it was 20 years too late for me. 🙂
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 11, 2011
Wow, you should get some kind of fathering award! Not sure your daughter would agree, though…
I’ve been searching for just the right cattle prod ever since your great advice on that handy device. It’s like the wonder tool — great for teen date management, great for getting your kid out of bed on Monday morning, keeps chores on track, keeps the dog out of the garbage, it even heats your water for tea. Honestly, I don’t know how I got by so long without it!
GOF
December 12, 2011
How about I design a variable voltage multi-purpose persuader prod bearing the IBMP logo and you can market it (in the interests of competent parenting and pet management) on your esteemed blog.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 12, 2011
I think GOF and I are going to be great business partners! The IBMP Multi-Purpose Persuader Prod, designed in the rainforests of Australia by GOF. We can’t lose!
GOF
December 13, 2011
I’d better sort out some liability insurance first….some customers might not be as experienced or responsible in their Prod use as you and me.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 13, 2011
Yup, it’s amazing what people think is OK when they’re using a cattle prod to get their kid out of bed. I mean, obviously, you stay away from the genitals for instance. Seriously, some people are just plain cruel. But remember, cattle prods don’t kill; people kill…or something like that.
ellie5611
December 16, 2011
As a teenage girl I have learned to keep my ex boyfriends and current boyfriend far far away from my father.The first time a guy came over to pick me up he practically ran away screaming from the house. My mother told me that my dad had propped a gun and other weapons on the walls and talked to my date while playing with a very sharp letter opener. Needless to say my date and I broke up, but he still avoids me in the halls. 🙂
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
December 22, 2011
Yikes! I would have actually run away screaming. But thank your dad for the great ideas… 😉
sandip
April 7, 2016
Well I laughed and I laughed and I laughed, couldn’t thank you enough