Five secrets to talking to your date’s parents

Posted on December 7, 2011

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Picking up the date

Welcome to this week’s edition of WTF Wednesday where your questions are my reason to lie through my teeth.

Today’s question comes to us anonymously via the IBMP search term referrals.

Dear IBMP,

What are some considerations when talking to parents?

I’m forced to make some assumptions here.  I’m going to assume, for example, that you are not referring to your own parents. If you are of legal Googling age and still looking for considerations when talking to your parents, I’m afraid you are beyond help.

Assuming that you are looking for advice about communicating with others’ parents, you are most likely in that unfortunate position of being a pubescent teen or pre-teen preparing to meet your date’s parents.

Here at the IBMP Headquarters we take our job quite seriously. It’s for this reason that we only answer questions about which we have considerable expertise. That rules out the obvious: ancient Roman birdcall whistles, some of the finer points of goat’s milk cheesemaking, and programming most modern PVRs. Other than that, it’s pretty much all fair game.

My expertise in the area of dating has been made evident in various posts to date (like this one, this one and this one), and having a ten year-old, I’m quite familiar with the parental perspective on teen dating.  That is to say, you are in luck.

The range of scenarios is beyond the scope of this blog depending on how one wishes to interpret “parents”, whether you are the guy or the girl, whether your date is of the same or opposite sex to you and so on.  If the date is of the same sex, is this also a coming out moment for your date? You can see that this gets complicated quickly. We’ll keep it relatively simple and assume you’re the guy picking up the girl and meeting a mom and dad or the step-versions of one or the other.

Your ideal situation is one in which both the mom and the dad are together in the room at all times and your date is by your side. This is the safest situation as the mother will usually help keep the father in line and your date has the power of the stink eye to wield against her parents. Never underestimate the power of teen girl stink eye.

Here are some considerations:

1.  I’m not sure why this is, but your instinct will be to refer to them as “Sir” and “Ma’am.” Don’t. It’s not the bloody 18th century. It sets up expectations that you’ll never be able to meet, not the least of which is the father’s expectation that you’ll actually ask his permission for his daughter’s hand in marriage.

2. Avoid ever being left alone with the father. Dads of daughters are wired in complex ways. If you find yourself in this situation, your best plan is to pretend you left something in the car and once outside, continue walking.

3.  One good rule of thumb when conversing with the father is to think like you’re at airport security: speak only when spoken to, never volunteer any information unless specifically asked to provide it, and never, ever joke about anything.

4.  Dad’s going to take one of two strategic tacks and either one sucks for you. Either he’ll look you in the eye and tell you that if you so much as touch his daughter he’ll rip your dick off and feed it to the dog, or he’ll get all chummy, offer you a beer and wink while asking if you’re hoping to get lucky tonight. In the first case, nod and look sincere while you pray it all ends quickly. In the second case, do not under any circumstances nod, smile, or otherwise return the chumminess. It’s a trap.  The proper response is something like, “No, Mr. Smith, I don’t drink. I haven’t had a drink since my castration.”

5. My wife suggests: don’t mention the motorcycle or that you can play Oh, Canada with your armpit. Also keep the times you’ve outrun the cops to yourself, and don’t kick the dog if he starts to hump your leg. Don’t hit on your date’s sister, and if you use the bathroom, put the *&#$! toilet seat down.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

I’m sure some of our readers will have recommendations for you as well.

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Posted in: Advice (bad)