Sorry I didn’t pass those genes on, but I never had them in the first place

A few weeks back we talked about genes that seem to have been sacrificed in the making of my Y chromosome. There are a few more, in addition to the yardwork gene, that you should be familiar with.

One is the gene for height. Sorry, just short to average. Nothing to get excited about there. That means, of course, that over the next few years all the girls in your grade will be roughly twice your height. This will unfortunately add to the already growing little-brother-she-always-wished-she-had role that you’ll play throughout high school and college. That, by the way, is the result of another missing set of genes: those for confidence and competency in dealing with girls.

Using me as your glimpse into the future, we can predict lots of girl-friends, just no girlfriends. See, one gene you do have is the “cute” gene. But before you go and get all excited about that, you should know that this gene is quite different from other, better known genes like the stud gene, handsome gene, sexy gene, totally hot gene, or the butt-ugly-but-somehow-still-manages-to-get-the-girl-gene (particularly offensive to other Y Chromosomers).

Nope. See, there’s a big difference between when girls tell each other a boy is cute and when they tell you you’re cute. The former is awesome; the latter means you’re doomed to being the kid all the girls want around so they have someone to talk to about their boy troubles. And that, my friend, sucks.

It’s most easily diagnosed by the recurring utterance by girls in your class, “Awww, you’re so cute,” followed by, “Oh. My. Gawd. It’s Billy Tanner! He is SO hot!”

In particularly bad cases, she’ll rough up your hair (not unlike that embarrassing thing your mom does in front of your friends) before running down the hall after Billy “The Dream” Tanner.

To make it worse, the second her hand makes contact with your head, you’ll fall instantly in love with her which, if she ever found out, would be equivalent to learning her little brother likes to sneak peeks at her in the shower. Ew.

If you had the gene for dealing effectively with girls, you might see girls’ willingness to open up to you as an opportunity to capitalize on their moment of vulnerability. It works in the movies all the time: she’s crying on his shoulder one minute and waking up in his bed the next. And I’d give you all kinds of advice on how to do that if it weren’t for the fact that the reason I didn’t pass those genes on to you is because I never had them in the first place. I haven’t a clue. Sorry.