Oh, and I almost forgot…

Here’s a bit of practical advice given that you’ve got my genes: Practice remembering things now. You’re going to need it.

It’s not really fair, but by the time you’re my age you’re going to have the memory of a life-long stoner. Unfortunately, since you’ve got my genes you won’t even have the satisfaction of at least knowing that it’s because you WERE a life-long stoner. You won’t be.

Yeah, you’ll try the stuff, but between the complete inability to string 3 simple words together before you forget you were even speaking and the totally consuming guilt (my genes, sorry), you just won’t have what it takes. Sorry to be so discouraging but it’s better that you hear it from me: You’ll be forgetting a lot of stuff.

For example, you’ll leave for work twice each day: once to go there, and once after returning to get the lunch you left on the driveway.

Oh, and you know the nasty dream about showing up at school in your underwear? Bad news: it’s not a dream. You meant to put your pants on right after brushing your teeth, but you forgot to brush your teeth when you got distracted by the fact that you didn’t do your homework last night. Which you would have remembered to do, by the way, if you hadn’t left your planner on the counter at 7/11 when you stopped in to buy a 10-dollar pack of toilet paper on your way home from Safeway where you went to buy . . . toilet paper (and instead walked out with a Mad Magazine and a Star Wars Pez dispenser).

I don’t know, maybe you can start doing some memory exercises now or something. Or, if you’d prefer, go get stoned. At least you’ll have an excuse when you’re my age and standing outside work waiting in the rain for someone to let you in because you forgot your keys. Again.