Things you should know | I've become my parents

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Just kiss her already

May 14, 2011

OK son, this is a tough one. Should the right genes decide to express themselves (i.e, any of the ones you got from me), you will be the guy in school that every girl likens to the little brother she always wished she had. This will be especially true of the girls you most would want […]

Advice for my son: What you need to know about middle school

May 7, 2011

Given that you have my genes, you should know that in middle school there are only two kinds of kids: those that are miserable and those that make them that way. You’ll be in with the 98% that make up the former (sorry). Your only consolation will come several years later at your class reunion where you’ll […]

Better get in touch with your sensitive side(s)

May 4, 2011

OK, so you have my genes and, as you’re learning, the package comes with a number of features, including sensitivity to, well…everything. This isn’t about allergies; we’ll deal with that some other time. I’m talking about getting to know your sensitive side. Well both of them, really. That’s right, you’ve got no non-sensitive side. No matter which way […]

Hell in a handbasket

May 2, 2011

Son, one of the particularly frightening parts of becoming our parents is when we look in the mirror and see them looking back. But there’s an even more cringe-worthy experience, at least in my opinion: it’s when we open our mouth and our parents’ voices come out. At least when you walk up to a […]

Shoe store deaths: an under-reported side effect of people afflicted with the Y chromosome

April 30, 2011

So you know today at the mall with Mom when we were waiting for her to finish trying on shoes? That noxious mixture of fresh plastic and toxic Chinese shoe factory glue burning our eyes? You said, “Dad, I don’t want to die in a shoe store.” Sorry, but you can’t change destiny. That’s the […]

Oh, and I almost forgot…

April 25, 2011

Here’s a bit of practical advice given that you’ve got my genes: Practice remembering things now. You’re going to need it. It’s not really fair, but by the time you’re my age you’re going to have the memory of a life-long stoner. Unfortunately, since you’ve got my genes you won’t even have the satisfaction of […]