Found my old diary and it turns out I was lame then, too

Posted on November 15, 2013


Hi there!

I haven’t pulled out an old post in a while. This one goes way back–even before I started scratching out cartoons. It was originally posted on June 28, 2011. I had been digging around a box of old stuff and came across my diary.ย  Have a read and just know that nothing has changed…



I found my old diary–the only one I ever kept–in this box of stuff. I started it at age 10, the same age you are now, son.

My diary

I found my diary in a box of old stuff

I know what you’re thinking: wow, that must bring back all kinds of great memories. And I suppose it would if I had written in it for more than 10 days, and if I had written more than 3 sentences on any given day.

But I didn’t. Know why? Because I had the same follow-through back then that I have now. Which is to say, you’re lucky if I even finish this post before I get bored and take up knitting. Or pottery. I’ve always liked pottery. In fact, I really should look into classes locally. I could really get into pottery.

For, like, a week.

See, that’s the problem: I have no follow-through. I’ve tried a bazillion things and moved on from just about all of them. Honestly, the things that I’ve managed to stick with I’m either legally obligated to do (like paying my mortgage), need the money (like my day job), simply can’t reverse (like being a parent), or would die if I stopped (like eating and, while I have been testing this theory, bathing).

Now you’re thinking, “Oh, yeah? What about being married for 16 years?”

Well, smartass, marriage falls under the “I would die if I stopped” category. I mean really, have you met your mother?

You, my friend, are in grave danger of becoming like me. The evidence is everywhere:

the half-completed Lego projects

the 3 incomplete websites you started

your blog

the countless first paragraphs (they’re pretty good by the way) in otherwise empty books you’ve written

every homework assignment you’ve been given

OK, that’s enough. I’m starting to sound like, well … my father.


Right. I’m going to take a different tack here. The following is the entire unabridged contents of my one and only diary. The complete record of my life as a child. My autobiography, laying out my formative years in the greatest detail ever recorded. It’s transcribed directly with spelling as written (badly). Names are changed out of pity for those mentioned.

January 1, 1976

I went to two movies with Tim Marcus they were Bugs Bunny Supperstar and Doc Savage. Dog ate my candy. Dad and Mike are making a model theotor.

January 2, 1976

I went to Tims house again and the theotor is coming along good. School will come back in two days.

January 3, 1976

I went to Swensens Ice creem factory with Mom and Steve. Mike is still sick with mono. The doctor said that Mike could go to school tomarow.

January 4, 1976

I went to Tim’s house. It is fun at about 9:30 A.M. to go to Tim’s The stage is looking good.

January 5, 1976

School started. It was fun. I noticed my grades are pretty good.

January 6, 1976

I went to school it was O.K. Our next book report will be a mobeal.

January 7, 1976

We have a new boy in our class his name is richerd he is a nice boy.

Me as a robot

I found this in the box, too. See, I wasn’t lying about the robot thing.

January 8, 1976

We got a new peano. We will be putting on a play at school. I’m a robot I have to make my self a costume out of boxes and paint.

January 9, 1976

I watched rockford files and got to stay up till 10:00 P.M.

January 10, 1976

Jon slept over and we had Jeff and Dan Riles over.


That’s it. That’s the written record of the life and times of me as authored by the guy who knew me best. I gave up after 10 days when I discovered the joy of blowing up my toys.

So do yourself a favor and follow through with something. Anything.