A fresh batch of favorite funny tweets

If you do the Twitter thing, you know that any given tweet lasts about 10 seconds before it disappears into the ether like a Jennifer Lopez movie. Every once in a while I gather up a bunch of tweets and give them a second life here on the blog because I just can’t bear to see them go.

Here’s a batch I thought you might get a kick out of. If you have a Twitter account, you can find me here: @IBecameMyDad. If not, you might want to have a look at this handy guide on how to read a tweet; it’ll help you make sense of all those RTs and hashtag thingies.

I’ve got a little bit for everyone this time, so if you don’t know what a Higgs boson is, or what SEO means, just pretend it’s funny and show it to a friend, then skip down to “Tweets for the rest of us.”

Tweets for the working man and woman:

People who say there’s no “I” in “Team” aren’t thinking outside the box.

A watched pot makes coffee very, very slowly.

Boss wants us to try new things at work. Never tried planking so I did that. Under my desk. For two hours. ‪#ThinkingOutsideTheBox‬

In the interest of making me feel better about working today, would you folks mind not tweeting about your wonderful vacations? Thx.

I will pay any of you a substantial sum to don a Barmy Rootstock mask and sit at my desk all day pretending to work.

Tweets for physics geeks:

I used to collect Higgs bosons. I would have kept them if I’d known they’d be all the rage today.

This just in: Higgs bosons give objects mass. Dieters are lining up at supercolliders hoping to shed bosons ‪#Higgsteria‬

I hit a proton on the freeway this morning. Been wiping Higgs bosons off the windshield all day. ‪#Higgsteria‬

Now that scientists have proven the existence of the God particle, I would like to challenge them to find my car keys.

So just because Venus takes transit, does that really make it better than the other planets that carpool? ‪#venustransit‬

Does anyone know if Venus made it yesterday? I heard there was a transit strike. ‪#venus‬

Tweets for tweeters and bloggers:

Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach; those who can’t teach blog about it.

This just in: Twitter experienced a temporary black out. The GDP of 100 countries spiked to an all-time high.

We have to stop calling them “followers”. It’s giving me a Jesus complex.

Maybe instead of Followers, we should call each other disciples.

Yes, my blog is PR friendly. If you promote my blog, I’ll be your friend.

I thought about doing Team Followback to get followers but decided to be interesting instead.

If we removed all the self-professed social media experts from Twitter, the remaining 5 people would just conference call.

Cool, my SEO is totally working! This search term just found my blog: “women cross their legs when their puberty want to go to toilet”

I’m at 123 E 4th st. wait, no, 124 E 4th …125 E 4th…no 126 E 4th, no 127…128…129 E 4th… ‪#4SquareForTrashCollectors‬

Tweets for the rest of us:

My How to Get Rich By Giving Seminars on How To Get Rich seminar is totally booked up. I’m thinking maybe I should have charged for it.

Anyone know if it’s better to get one Twitter account for each of my personalities or to share a single one?

“A little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing.” ~ Smart person. “Which is why I avoid knowledge at all costs.” ~ Me.

You have no idea how tough it is being a prince among men. Someday, I want to be a prince among princesses. Way more fun.

Ever see someone say, “Ew, this coffee is awful,” and then not drink it? Me neither.

I am Ice Cream. RT @PhilTorcivia: You are what you love. Not what loves you. ~ Charlie Kaufman

I think Soylent Green was the original free-range food.

“I will lower my standards until I can say with confidence that I have successfully met my objectives.” ~ All politicians at some point

Get rich almost overnight! Buy my book: “Getting Rich by Selling Books About Getting Rich to Lazy People”.

You know, when you write your bio in 3rd person, we all still know it was you who wrote it.

Hey Twitter, I was with you last night, OK? Just back me on this.

It’s time we remove the stigma and see nose hair as the disease that it is.

Honestly, how many times do I have to read rhetorical questions on Twitter?

If you get me a tie for Fathers Day it had better come with a job.

When Google can tell me where I left my keys, THEN I’ll be impressed.

People in glass houses think you’re an idiot for playing with matches.

The barista is doing self-portraits now. http://img.ly/kiwu 

Warning: this tweet was produced in a household that processes nuts.

Anyone have a recipe for making lemonade out of the metaphorical kind of lemons?

Yes, I read your sign and it does not say “No visitors beyond this point”; it says “no visitor’s beyond this point.” And now there is.

I would just like to point out that I have more Twitter followers than Jesus ever did. I don’t think he even had a Twitter account.

I give way more than I take. I give so much that I don’t even take my own advice.

If salmonella is so bad, why are so many chickens still alive?

I ask a lot of stupid questions on Twitter, don’t I?

Yeah, but that was 80 yrs ago. RT @ParenteSource: Teenagers are worse at math now than they were in the 70s http://ow.ly/bNYJR 

Sex Pistols and the City 2 ‪#DisappointingBands‬

It just occurred to me that they could avoid catching the microwave on fire by taking the cat’s collar off first…

Out of the trunk of a creepy guy’s car? RT @TBilich: Is there a best place to purchase IPhones, without a service plan?

Wow, this shampoo has a touch of Australian Aloe. That should go nicely with the Methylchloroisothiazoninone.