Is a messy room good for your immune system and 17 other really big questions.

Welcome to this week’s instalment of WTF Wednesday, where we understand that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. That’s why we try to avoid knowledge at all costs.

We get a lot of questions that, while quite good, don’t warrant a full post’s worth of advice. Sometimes they’re simple yes or no answers, and sometimes they’re a couple sentences. I try to save them up and answer a bunch of these at the same time. I’m quite certain that all you IBMP subscribers would be thrilled to open your email and click on the link only to get a post that looks like this:

Dear Barmy,

Should I put my shoes on or my socks on first?

Good question. Neither. Put your underwear and pants on first. Idiot.

Problem solved! You’re welcome.

While highly enlightening, it’s hardly a satisfying breakfast read. Plus, it just doesn’t make me look as smart as when my posts are longer.

So here is a bunch of questions that I’ve received via search engines in the last few weeks:

1. Should you talk to your daughter’s boyfriend about their relationship?

Absolutely, assuming you want it to end.

2. Why do people think their kids are the smartest?

I know! It’s silly right? Let’s just be honest: there can only be one smartest kid and obviously it’s mine. People should be telling everyone that their kids are total idiots. That way, when the child does OK in school, the parents can take all the credit for taking crappy stock material and turning it into something slightly better than not bad.

3. When should you change a teen’s diaper?

About 12 years ago.

4. What happens if your boyfriend’s hormones kick in?

Back slowly away. Make no sudden moves and avoid eye contact.

5. How to get your parents to be OK about puberty

Theirs or yours? If they haven’t come to terms with their own puberty by now I’d say it’s pretty hopeless. As far as being OK with yours, don’t bother trying; it will never, ever happen.

6. What is it called when you become like your parents?

Inevitable.

7. Are kids better today?

No way. Kids today break within the first year of use. They used to make kids to last. They could fall out of trees, brush themselves off and get on with it. Parents could let their kids run off and play all day with no worries. Today, children are way more fragile. Why else would parents hover over them on the playground warning them not to climb so high and to be careful on the swings?

8. Do you find your kids annoying?

Nope. But then I like scraping my fingernails on chalkboards.

9. How to tell if your girlfriend is going through puberty

Do objects fly around her room while she levitates over the bed, spinning her head around and shouting obscenities in a deep, creepy voice? That’s how.

10. What to do if your teenage girl asks to have a boyfriend

I think teenage girls should save up to get their own boyfriend rather than expect mom and dad to run out and get her one just because she asked.

11. What to do with stupid lazy parents

They make great matching end tables.

12. How to not get embarrassed by parents

Don’t ever be anywhere near them, cut the phone lines, cancel the Internet service, lock them in the house and allow them to speak to no one. That should be a good start.

13. I’ve got my first girlfriend. How can I be a really nice boyfriend?

Well aren’t you sweet. I used to drive mine around as she went on dates with other, cooler, meaner guys.

14. What to tell your daughter beginning her first job?

Don’t mess this up, I’m quitting mine and we need the income.

15. How do I find something I lost in my messy room?

Tell your little brother that under no circumstances do you want him ever to touch it. He’ll find it.

16. How do I get back at my older sister for being a jerk?

Don’t find the thing she lost in her messy room.

17. Advantages of learning the Barney I Love You song

It could be the clincher if your life ever depends on you proving you have a preschooler.

18. Is a messy room good for your immune system?

Absolutely.  You just tell your parents you read it on the Internet and I’m sure they’ll believe it.

Problems solved! You’re welcome.