It could be worse; your child could be listening to Barney

Welcome to this week’s instalment of WTF Wednesday, where what we say goes. It goes with both red and white wine; it goes with any flavour ice cream (except Neapolitan, nothing goes with that unless you avoid the pink part); it even goes out with the trash.

This week’s question comes via Twitter and was submitted by @nystoopmama. She also has a blog called Stoop Mama. Weird coincidence, I guess. Here’s what she writes:

Dear Barmy,

Is it wrong that my 4 year old’s 2 fave songs are M.I.A.’s Paper Planes & Foster the People’s Pumped up Kicks? Shitty parenting?

You know, I get a lot of questions from people wondering if they’re crappy parents. I’m guessing it’s not great for business to confirm such suspicions so no, it’s not shitty parenting. Shitty parenting would be whatever you have to do in order for your kid to grow up writing lyrics like M.I.A.’s. Your daughter’s not writing that stuff, she’s just shocking the neighbors and entertaining her first-grade teacher with them. That’s totally different.

Is it wrong? Well, let’s have a look at the lyrics to M.I.A.’s Paper Planes:

I fly like paper, get high like planes; If you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name; If you come around here, I make ’em all day; I get one done in a second if you wait

Sounds like someone who gets around, helps people in need and likes paper airplanes.

All I wanna do is; And a, and take your money; All I wanna do is; And a, and take your money

Cool, the girl’s got a singular goal. That sets a good example, right? And she’s not afraid to sing in public even though she’s got such a horrible stuttering problem. That’s just plain inspirational.

Pirate skulls and bones; Sticks and stones and weed and bombs; Running when we hit ’em; Lethal poison through their system

Some, some, some I,  some I murder; Some I, some I let go; Some, some, some I, some I murder; Some I, some I let go

So that’s pretty good; she lets roughly half of them go. How nice is that? I’ve heard some of those guys murder all of them. It’s a start anyway.

Let’s compare that to another, more sinister song: Barney’s I Love You

I love you You love me

We’re a happy family

OK, so they’re a family that loves each other. Really, really loves each other. Fine.

With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you.

Won’t you say you love me too

Kissing cousins, maybe?

I love you You love me

We’re best friends like friends should be

With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you.

Oh, I get it, they’re best friends with benefits. Apparently, the way all friends should be. The lyrics just repeat themselves after that. That’s what all good songs with subliminal messages do.

So do you want your child learning about the importance of having goals, helping people in need and only murdering people sometimes, or do you want her learning that incestial relationships and BFFs with benefits are the way it “should be”? Seriously, those Barney lyrics are right out of the Pick Up Lines for Pedophiles Handbook.

M.I.A and Foster the People are actually pretty tame. Pumped Up Kicks was an attempt to bring attention to gun violence and M.I.A. says Paper Planes is a statement about stereotypes of immigrants. Your child should really be listening to Snoop Dogg. That way, the first time some misogynistic douchebag calls her his bitch, she’ll know what he means.

Problem solved. You’re welcome.