The janitor’s not a werewolf, and other things you’ve got all wrong

Posted on August 5, 2011



Look, son, the world is a confusing place. It’s hard to navigate it with only 10 years of experience under your belt. You’ve got commercials telling you one thing, parents telling you something else, and that kid in class that thinks he has an answer for everything. Who are you supposed to believe?

Me. You’re supposed to believe me. It’s that simple.

So let me clear up some things once and for all:

1. Frosted Flakes are not breakfast.
It’s a candy-coated corn flake. The sole purpose of the corn flake is to provide structural support for the candy. They’d do away with the corn flake altogether but then they might as well just sell you a bag of sugar.

2. I am not a garbage can
Do I look like a garbage can? You ate the candy, you throw out the wrapper. How hard is that?

3. You will not die if you don’t get that toy
Look, I’m not a doctor or anything, but I’m pretty sure that no human has ever died from failure to get a toy. You need oxygen; you need food; you do not need that toy.

4. We don’t hate you just because we want you to go to bed before midnight
There are a lot of ways to show someone you hate them; making them go to bed before midnight just isn’t one of them.

5. I do not know when your friend will get here
What information do you think I have that allows me to predict when your friend will be here? I’m not a bloody clairvoyant. He’s late, that’s all I know.

6. There is no such thing as “just $5”.
If I gave you $5 for every time you said, “it’s just $5” I’d be broke.

7. That was not an apology
Saying “I’m sorry” in the same tone of voice you’d use if you were telling someone to go to hell is not an apology.

8. The school janitor is not a werewolf
Despite what Timmy says, the janitor’s just a guy with a beard and a unibrow. Here’s a tip: stop believing every word that Timmy says; he’s just making crap up to mess with you.

9. Just because it’s a playroom does not mean you can destroy it
It’s a play room not a demolition site. If you want to trash someplace, go to Timmy’s house; I’m sure his folks won’t mind.

Well,  I hope that cleared things up.