Stupid things I tried so now you don’t have to #4: Serial killer glasses

Posted on June 23, 2011


I was looking through some boxes of old stuff tonight.  It’s pretty hard to go through boxes of old stuff without finding a bazillion things that would fit nicely into a series about stupid things I tried.  In fact, I think the first box I looked at holds enough evidence to provide a lifetime of “stupid things” posts.

I’ll start with eyewear.

I wore glasses.  I got my first pair when I was about the age you are now.  You’ve already got glasses and you seem pretty comfortable with them.  That’s good.  But I want to share with you what I picked as my first and second pairs of glasses.  This is because I honestly think you just got lucky with your first choice.  And by lucky, I mean, I had little influence on it.

I’m sure I’ll write another post about my awesome (in the “shock and awe” sense of the word) fashion sensibility at some point.  For now, let’s just talk about eyewear.

Now, before I show you the first pair of glasses I chose and wore as a kid, let me remind you that I’ve become my parents…and my parents actually let me walk out of the store with these:


First pair of glasses

Yes, I chose these


So look, I’ll do all I can to consult and advise, but I suspect the only reason you got so lucky last time is because Mom was in the room.

If you’re looking for further proof, I submit exhibit B: My second pair of glasses.

The second pair of glasses

...and then I chose these

You may recognize this model as the eyewear of choice for serial killers and pedophiles everywhere.

Now, I did a bit more digging and I found some pictures of a guy known as Jeffery Dahmer.  Let’s just say he was a very, very bad man with a nasty temper and really bad taste in food.  And if my crappy fashion sense doesn’t scare you, let me show you a picture of Mr. Dahmer when he was about the age you are now:

Dahmer as a kid

This was Jeffery's first choice of glasses


And this is him just a bit before the government filled his veins with sleeping juice:

Jeffery Dahmer on TV

Jeffery Dahmer wearing his favorite eyewear


Now, don’t freak out on me here.  My taste in people is purely non-culinary, I promise.  I’m simply suggesting that my taste in glasses may not be the one you want to be consulting for advice.