Stupid things I tried so now you don’t have to #2

Posted on June 10, 2011


Look, I know you’re only ten, so there’s a bit of time before this is relevant for you. But it’s on my mind now and it’s started leaking onto my keyboard, so it’s becoming a post.

Progressive parties

They sound like a good idea at the time: Some kid’s parents are away. You set up a different kind of drink in every room of the house. Everyone goes room to room with the goal of drinking one of everything. If you manage to make it through each room, you get the prestigious honor of, well, um…I guess there really isn’t any honor in it at all.

Hugging the toilet is no fun

There is nothing cool about this.

But you do get to tell everyone you did it. And they’ll be telling everyone they know about how you woke up in a pool of your own vomit curled up on the bathroom floor. Woohoo.

There are so many reasons why this is a stupid idea, and I think I proved each one of them at some point. Remember, Daddy acted like an idiot so you won’t have to.

First: It will come as a surprise to the kid who had the party that the smell won’t come out of the carpet. He will therefore be grounded until he’s 30. And he’s probably the only one of your friends with a fake ID, so you’ll be SOL.

Second: Your friends will undoubtedly make crappy mixed drinks. That may not matter at the time, but it really is a waste of good tequila.

Third: Puking sucks. The only thing worse than waking up in a pool of your own stomach contents is dying in a pool of your own stomach contents. I got lucky and only experienced the former.  (Here’s another story about this lesson learned by a funny guy that calls himself DiaperDad.)

Fourth: Puking sucks. (Just driving that point home.)

And finally: Mom and I will know. My dad could smell it before I even made it up the driveway and I’ve got his genes. Sorry man, I’ve become my parents.

So there you go, another stupid thing I tried so now you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

If you’re not my son, please share with him a stupid thing you did as a kid. It’ll be a while before he figures out how to get around my parental controls on the computer and reads this, but the rest of us would enjoy hearing about it in the mean time.