Look, I know you’re only ten, so there’s a bit of time before this is relevant for you. But it’s on my mind now and it’s started leaking onto my keyboard, so it’s becoming a post.
Progressive parties
They sound like a good idea at the time: Some kid’s parents are away. You set up a different kind of drink in every room of the house. Everyone goes room to room with the goal of drinking one of everything. If you manage to make it through each room, you get the prestigious honor of, well, um…I guess there really isn’t any honor in it at all.
There is nothing cool about this.
But you do get to tell everyone you did it. And they’ll be telling everyone they know about how you woke up in a pool of your own vomit curled up on the bathroom floor. Woohoo.
There are so many reasons why this is a stupid idea, and I think I proved each one of them at some point. Remember, Daddy acted like an idiot so you won’t have to.
First: It will come as a surprise to the kid who had the party that the smell won’t come out of the carpet. He will therefore be grounded until he’s 30. And he’s probably the only one of your friends with a fake ID, so you’ll be SOL.
Second: Your friends will undoubtedly make crappy mixed drinks. That may not matter at the time, but it really is a waste of good tequila.
Third: Puking sucks. The only thing worse than waking up in a pool of your own stomach contents is dying in a pool of your own stomach contents. I got lucky and only experienced the former. (Here’s another story about this lesson learned by a funny guy that calls himself DiaperDad.)
Fourth: Puking sucks. (Just driving that point home.)
And finally: Mom and I will know. My dad could smell it before I even made it up the driveway and I’ve got his genes. Sorry man, I’ve become my parents.
So there you go, another stupid thing I tried so now you don’t have to. You’re welcome.
If you’re not my son, please share with him a stupid thing you did as a kid. It’ll be a while before he figures out how to get around my parental controls on the computer and reads this, but the rest of us would enjoy hearing about it in the mean time.
I've become my parents 
jetts31
June 10, 2011
Where was this advice when I was in college?
teenmomknows
November 7, 2011
hi im starting my own blog i wanted to know how exactly you got yours up on views you can look by going to my site teenmomknows.wordpress.com please let me know
I've Become My Parents
June 10, 2011
Good question, my friend!
Erin
June 10, 2011
So, I have an eight year old daughter who should be aware of these things too in a few years…. i thought I’d share some life lesions from my past.
1) you can’t hide “playing with fire.” The smoke is a dead giveaway.
2) your teachers WILL check up on that note your father signed…and forgery is a huge offense there, dearie.
3) puking, in fact, sucks.
4) sneaking into dorms/barracks may seem to be a good idea…..but it’s never innocent. (oh wait, you have a son, so nevermind. Lol)
5) trespassing on “country folk’s” land is a bad idea. These people ARE the NRA. Bird shot at a distance still hurts.
6) jello shots are NOT your friend.
7) if you want to smoke even a single cigarette be prepared for what your dad might do to you. It will most likely include many non-filtered cigarettes, a very short period of time, and possibly a video camera for posterity. Those videos aren’t shot from flattering angles, etc.
8) along with puking, child labor sucks bad. Don’t even tempt fate.
9) there are always always always strings attached.
10) if you do drugs, crazy stuff will happen to you (karma will mess with you) and you won’t be able to handle it because of the drugs…….therefore people will find out about it. Its a catch 22 the government set up with karma in the 60s. I swear it.
just a few random thoughts at 1am. Lol if they don’t make complete sense, its because you just “had to be there.”
I've Become My Parents
July 8, 2011
That’s hilarious stuff! Thanks for sharing those life lessons. There are a number of those that I could certainly confirm.
I hadn’t made the government-karma connection, but now that you mention it…hmm, I think you’re on to something…
Thanks for dropping by and sharing this great stuff; it’s an awesome list!
And yes, it all made sense, even at 1 AM
cath
June 11, 2011
My life lesson:
Never try marijuana for the first time right before Physical Education class. On a day you are scheduled to play badminton. Chasing a plastic birdie is no fun when you are seeing three of them at one time.
Just avoid the marijuana period. It’s not as good as they say it is anyway. The only thing I got out of it was an “F” in PE.
~cath
“mirror, mirror on the wall…I am my mother after all…”
@jonesbabie on Twitter
I've Become My Parents
June 11, 2011
Having a hard time typing on the iPhone and laughing at the same time… 🙂
I would say you’ve given us some wise advice! Although 3 birdies might be easier to hit than 1…hmmm, no not worth it.
Love the mirror, mirror quote too.
Thanks for sharing the story.
Hocam
June 11, 2011
Don’t try collecting up all the “Holy pictures” in the house and go door to door selling them, just because you were refused money to buy sweets. Someone will tell your parents what you are doing. Parental retribution, let alone divine retribution, for selling “God Bless Baby” is seriously scary
I've Become My Parents
June 11, 2011
Now THAT’S one I hadn’t thought of! So I guess you didn’t sell any before you got ratted out, then.
Thanks for that one!
Hocam
June 11, 2011
Actually , with three Auntie Nuns and five siblings, I had an almost unlimited supply for sale. Myself and a friend had scoffed the takings before we were ratted out. Had to go and buy them all back again. No pocket money for ages! Still the rolos and smarties were so tasty. Worst damage is I could have been the next Alan Sugar or Donald Trump but they killed the budding entrepreneur in me. They lost a life of being kept in luxury by their need to keep me on the straight and narrow, Sometimes a little deviance is healthy.
I've Become My Parents
June 11, 2011
Wow, dealing in hot holy goods. That’s gotta be worth triple the sin points!
Daddy Knows Less
June 12, 2011
Don’t bring a cheat sheet to your Chemistry final. I lucked out because my teacher knew I knew the formula that I had written on it but I freaked out and was worried I would forget it. So i wrote it on a little piece of paper, hid it under my hand, and I got caught. But she only deducted 10 points from my grade instead of giving me a zero. Or maybe the lesson is, suck up to your teachers as best you can. She was probably the best teacher I ever had and my friends and I had a very cordial (motherly/son – get your mind out of the gutter) relationship with her.
I've Become My Parents
July 8, 2011
Ah yes, the old “formula on the paper hidden under the hand” trick. Did that ever actually work for anyone? It’s a good thing you had also employed the “suck up to your teacher throuought the year” plan as well. It’s always a good strategy.
Thanks for the words of wisdom!
Angela@BeggingTheAnswer
June 12, 2011
This ought to be required reading for every college freshman! Also, you might think that you can avoid curfew by staying out really REALLY late on the premise that you’ll just come home really REALLY quietly while every one is asleep. But this is a really REALLY bad idea.
I've Become My Parents
July 8, 2011
I REALLY think you’re right. Sneaking in late never worked for me. Ever. Sounds like it didn’t work for you either. 😉
Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Helen Willis
June 13, 2011
Very funny! I’d just like to add….
Don’t get a plastic bottle and go in your parents drinks cabinet and take a bit out each bottle. Ok, so your folks may not notice that a little bit has gone but trust me vodka, gin, vermouth and whisky do not mix well and this will lead to dizzy spells and lots of puking. See point 4 above. Even after pints of vomit Mum and Dad will still know, it will be leaching from every pore.
Toothpaste and or mints are not a tobacco cover up. YOU WILL STINK OF THE STUFF!
Oh yes not forgetting the opposite sex, what you think means everything at that age, it really really doesn’t. Honestly it doesn’t. Trust me I know. I think I’m wasting my breath with this one.
I've Become My Parents
July 8, 2011
Where the heck were all you people when I was growing up? And why did we all have to learn this stuff the hard way?
I have noted that vodka, gin, vermouth and whisky make a bad combination. What if you substitute the vermouth for tequila? I wonder if that would make it better…
Thanks, Helen, for the laugh!