Things you should know | I've become my parents

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Please dad, I promise I won’t run over any hookers

March 21, 2013

You started by crashing your Hot Wheels but that wasn’t enough. You discovered Minecraft and quickly realized that you could build entire cities out of TNT and blow them up. That was cool, but just not the same as crashing cars. You discovered cheesy car crash games for your iPod and had to download every […]

When did dances get this complicated?

March 4, 2013

It’s great to be back! If you’ve just joined us (thank you, by the way), the Editor in Chief, Executive Editor, Head Writer, Creative Director, Best Boy and the entire Pencil Sharpening Team here at IBMP took a break from the Interwebs for a few weeks. Upon returning, I was pleased to see the universe […]

While I’m away: a puberty post from the past

February 11, 2013

…………… Hello, and thank you for contacting I’ve Become My Parents. We are not available to write a post right now. Your post-reading is important to us. Please stay on the blog and a post will be with you just as soon as one becomes available…. Ding chucka chucka ding dingity ding thwapata bing thwapata […]

Human anatomy, the dessert stomach and yaks. Trust me, it’ll make sense when you read it.

February 3, 2013

DINNER n. – the smallest amount of food that must be eaten in order to qualify for dessert. I’m sorry, son, but dinner is a necessary evil if you want dessert. It’s like suffering through Aunt Hattie’s lipstick-kiss before you can open the gift she brought you. Or bathing. Although both of those things only […]

How Disney made me a liar

January 18, 2013

The floor under the seats of the local movie theater where I grew up was really quite remarkable. Decades of non-diet soda coated the concrete with a thick layer of sweet syrup. It was like flypaper that caught only popcorn and blobs of gum. I know this because I spent a lot of time under […]

Because I said so

January 8, 2013

Son, you used to use the word “why” constantly: “Why is the sky blue?” “Why do dogs lick their weewees?” “Why are you sleeping on the couch again?” You had an insatiable curiosity. Now, “Why?” is reserved for use only after I ask you to do something. For example: “Cheeky, please clean your room,” “Why?” […]