Getting the most out of the time you waste on Twitter: this month’s funny tweets

Regular time is finite, but wasted time is infinite and renewable. It’s highly transferable. Contagious, even. Case in point: Twitter.

I put considerable effort into wasting time on Twitter. The time I waste on Twitter is then available to be re-wasted by anyone that wishes to follow my tweets. But, if you use Twitter, then you know that a person only sees any given tweet if they happen to be wasting time on Twitter at the very moment you are. Your tweets are gone after just a few seconds.

Now, it’s one thing to waste time on Twitter; it’s another thing for all that wasted time to go to waste.

In an effort to artificially prolong the life of tweets that, some might argue, should have been allowed to die with dignity, I sometimes re-post them here. It gives me satisfaction knowing that my wasted time isn’t going to waste. Instead it’s allowing others to waste time they might otherwise have spent with their children, or not getting fired, or saving the world or something.

You can find me on Twitter as IBecameMyDad.

So here’s a bunch of 140 character time-wasters from the last month or so. Enjoy.

Oh, and if you aren’t sure what all those “@”s, “#”s and “RT”s mean, here’s a cheat sheet on how to read a tweet.

……………

If you ask me, there is no wrong side of the bed. What got me grumpy was getting up.

I save a ton of money sending my son to school with inexpensive crap knowing he’ll trade it for something better.

No, I’m not sick. It’s allergies. I’m allergic to the viruses invading my sinuses.

I lay awake at night worrying that all of you will get a life and I’ll be the only one left on Twitter.

I’ve got a new 12-step program for those who’ve become their parents. The 1st step is fatal, though, so It’s really just a 1 step program.

You know when I “Like” you on Facebook it’s totally platonic, right?

You know what’s awesome about my son being in puberty? Yeah, me neither.

My definition of “inspired” was inspired by the real definition of inspired. Thought you should know.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce that my heart weighs more than average.

While it pains me to have to type this, I must say that I have arthritis in my fingers.

My son installed a mod for Minecraft that lets him marry so he can “have kids & boss them around & make ’em do chores.” That’s my boy!

Yeah baby! I’ve got the Barmy Rootstock action figure! http://pic.twitter.com/SmLc1cgz

Follow your dreams. Unless you’re dreaming that you’re a lemming. Then, you might want to reconsider.

Starting an email with “Having trouble reading this email?” is just another way of saying, “This email is spam; delete without reading.”

Retro-themed coat racks? http://pic.twitter.com/aV15ymij

OK, let me get this straight: a home gro-op pot grower has been given a 12 month sentence to be carried out where? At home. Hmmm…

Get someone else to do it. RT @NikkiKearney What’s the #1 piece of advice you have for being productive?

The twenties are a time of independence funded largely by a dependence on mom and dad’s money.

Newton said gravity affects us all the same way. I’m pretty sure he was younger than 40 when he came up with that crap.

My son is going to his first dance on Saturday. All my childhood anxieties are resurfacing. I’m sure I’ll wake up tomorrow in my headgear.

Picking my son up from his first real dance. Probably enough hormones in that gym to cause a contact puberty for innocent passers by.

My son’s back from his dance. Doesn’t seem traumatized. Maybe he doesn’t take after his dad so much after all…

At my son’s school dance, the girls were all on the left of the room and boys on the right. I wonder if boys are on the left in the UK.

You know, there’s a footnote on the 10 Commandments that says the one about lying doesn’t apply when your MIL is involved.

My life as a father would be much easier if kids believed in cooties right through high school.

We set all our clocks at home to measure time in dog years to better account for the time it takes to get anything done.

Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I’m sure the CEO of Velcro Inc. is out to eliminate knot-tying ability from children around the world.

I’m going to buy 8 left mittens this year. Might as well prepare for the inevitable.

Really? Caillou didn’t make the list? MT @BabbleEditors: Children’s characters made into sexy Halloween costumes? http://ow.ly/etSQ2 

I do have enough social skills to know I should apologize for my lack of social skills.

I’m not saying God doesn’t exist, I’m just saying that wrapping the prostate around the urethra was a questionable design.

I heard that tornadoes are the number one form public transportation in Kansas.

This is not a beer belly. My stomach is just big-boned.

When life gives me lemons, I like to spike my lemonade with a little vodka. I’m a mixologist, metaphorically speaking.

My wife and I tried the whole baby wearing thing, but it was always unclear whether we had to turn him inside-out before washing.

It’s not what I think that matters; it’s what I tell YOU to think that matters.

Why do none of the parenting advice sites include chloroform in their list of essentials?

 

Tweets about the Space Jump

That whole space jump thing was shot in the same sound stage they did the moon landing in.

If Red Bull gives you wings, why’d the guy need a parachute? #SpaceJump

He jumped from 127k feet, but has he ever had to raise a tween? Call me when he’s done that.

Hey Red Bull, I’m surviving parenting without the benefit of a full-body suit protecting me from the harsh environment. Just sayin’.

Tweets about the second debate and binders full of women

Only thing better than watching the #debate is NOT watching the debate and watching all you live tweet about it.

As the one guy not watching the #debate, did he say where he buys these binders full of women? Asking for a friend.

Wait, wait, slow down everyone. I’m trying to take notes on who’s for whom so I can pit you against one another later. #debate

OK, my live-tweet recap: Mitt has a binder full of women, if gays were allowed to marry, fewer people would die, and something about Libya.

I’ve got to get a bigger #binder.

I wonder if @Staples had a rush on extra large binders last night. They shld make sure people know u have to fill ’em with women yourself.

I bet Big Bird has a binder full of chicks. #Debate

I feel so lame now for keeping women on a clip board. #bindersarethenewclipboards

Has anyone told Mitt that there’s an app for that? Seriously, binders, in this day and age? #debate

Apparently, my wife didn’t think it’s funny that I punched all her clothes with a 3-hole punch. #binders

OK, but it’s going to take the cooperation of a whole binder full of women. RT @gypsynester: “Live the life you’ve dreamed.” -Henry Thoreau

We must all stand up for men’s rights to be kept in #binders. Enough of the injustice!

Remember when we were growing up and we used to doodle all over our Pee Chee Folders filled with women? http://bit.ly/ct9Xc 

Live tweets during the province-wide earthquake drill

Province-wide earthquake drill in 13 minutes. Prepping to run down the middle of the street, arms flailing, screaming “Rapture”. #realism

Earthquake drill in 2 minutes. I’m going to pretend my office was demolished and go home. #realism

Wait. Can’t go home because I’m pretending the bridge fell down. Going for coffee.

Live-tweeting my first earthquake drill. So far, still alive. Report back soon.

Earthquake drill 2nd report. Still alive. Wet. Coffee’s still on my desk getting cold–situation getting serious.

Earthquake drill report 3. Preparing to head back inside. Will begin search for coffee.

Earthquake drill report 4. Coffee effort has shifted from rescue to recovery. Extracting cold liquid. Difficult time.

Earthquake drill report 5. Lessons learned: Bring an umbrella on days when earthquakes are expected. Take your coffee with you.

About the third debate

What a waste of a debate. One day later and I have no goofy statements to tweak, then quote out of context. #WhyDoIPayTaxes?

I don’t usually watch sports but I think I’m going to fire off random sports-related tweets just to feel part of something.

Between you and me, I only get about a third of my jokes.

Just cleaned about 5 years’ worth of french fry grease from my keyboard. Turns out I DO have a “Z” key after all. Cool.

If you decide to clean your keyboard, make sure to unplug it first. I just sent 6 emails to “kglff” and did a Google search for “poiurdg”

Facebook just showed me an ad telling me to browse “faithful singles.” Seems like a waste of time if they’re faithfully single.

Anyone else gonna give Gangnam Style a couple of months before running out and taking lessons?

Before you say, “My child would never do that,” stop and think about this: You’re wrong.

You know that game where one person stands on the street looking up and soon there’s a whole crowd staring upward? Yeah, that’s Twitter.

Comic Sans? RT ‪@RachelleGardner: Agent @JanetKGrant advises authors: be bold, not bland! What does this mean? http://bit.ly/QBIGfz 

Everyone else starts selling stuff; Apple unveils stuff.

What part of “Well, maybe, it sort of depends” don’t you understand? #morons

If I lived in a glass house, I’d throw stones because hey, don’t judge me.

Do you think kids are born without knowledge of the adverb, “quickly,” or do they lose it by the time they’re 2?

My followers’ dads could beat up your followers’ dads.

I wonder how much higher the GDP would be if nobody had to wait for their PCs to boot up and shut down.

Anyone know where an 11 year-old boy keeps his logic and reason? Mine seems to have misplaced them.

FYI, I’m am always on budget. I keep it right on my chair.

This tweet is based on a true story.

On this day in 560 BCE, a boy told his mother, “Well, I don’t remember breaking that gourd.”

Marbles. Marbles? Um, hello, um…has, um, anyone seen my marbles? Maaarbles…MAAARBLES? Anyone? My marbles? Round, glass? No?

Hate small talk? Go to the Halloween party as a tweet. “I’d love to chat but I’ve only got 140 chars to last all night…”

I like that someone found my blog by searching “public ass crack.” It’s nice to have a well-defined niche.

Every time Donald Trump speaks a puppy gets beaten up with a dead dolphin.

In my house, “I don’t remember” means, “How much trouble will I be in if I admit doing it?”