Masturbation. There, I said it out loud.

Posted on July 24, 2012


Buttons gives the talk

Welcome to this week’s instalment of WTF Wednesday, where advice is just an opinion you didn’t ask for.

This week’s question was sent to us via Twitter by WannabeAStayAtHomeDad, who tweets as @WannabeSAHDad and has a blog called, surprisingly, Wannabe Stay At Home Dad.  He writes,

Dear Barmy,

How do I teach my 8 year-old son when/where it’s appropriate to touch himself you know where?

Well, like everything in parenting, it’s really about what seems right for your family.

Hahahahahahahahaha! That’s funny: “what seems right for your family.” Hahahahaha!

OK, let’s get serious: this wouldn’t be an advice blog if I didn’t point out that the only options you have are those that I present for you. And I present you with 2:

Option 1: The heart-to-heart.

The father-son talk. Man to man. Or as they say in German, “Mano y mano.” (bilinguisticalism is an important skill for advice-giving experts).

At 8 years old, your son is ready for this conversation (Although the strip club where you plan to take him for your little chat may think otherwise). It involves face-to-face communication, lots of eye contact and several stiff drinks (For you, not him. You want him to remember the talk; you, on the other hand, will certainly want to forget it.)

I haven’t given this talk as I chose option 2 below, but here’s how it worked in my family when I was growing up:

Dad spontaneously, yet with an oddly nervous tone, invites you for a nice dinner—just you and him for some bonding time.

You reluctantly put down the Atari game you’re playing (look it up, kids) and head out with dad.

You sit down, review the menu and order.

You wait for the food, each staring at the TV behind the other. Dad says, “Whoa, did you see that play?” You say, “I’m watching baseball and the game hasn’t started yet.” Dad nods but you don’t see it because you’re watching TV.

Fifteen minutes later, the food arrives. Conversation during dinner is a fascinating mix of “Pass the ketchup,” and “How’s the burger, son?

When the check arrives, dad pulls out his credit card, hands it to the waiter and you both watch TV until the waiter returns. The baseball game has finally started.

Dad signs the receipt, puts his wallet back in his pocket and says, “So, son,” as he stands up from the table. “Masturbation,” he pauses, maybe for affect but more likely from hearing that word out loud for the first time.  Then, “It’s OK.”

You look down from the TV and realize that he just said something, then stand up as well when you realize he’s ready to go.

As he holds the door open for you, he places his hand on your shoulder and says, “Good talk.”

Option 2: The most efficient and arguably more effective method.

Giving the talk on the Internet

Problem solved! You’re welcome.

Posted in: Advice (bad)