New favorite tweets from I’ve Become My Parents!

It’s time once again to round up some of the favorite tweets from the @IBecameMyDad Twitter feed from the last few weeks. I was super honored last week to be listed as one of the 9 hilarious Twitter accounts every parent should follow on the Dadcamp blog at Babble.com. How cool is that?

If you’ve chosen to do something meaningful with your life and, therefore, don’t follow the Twitter feed, here’s your chance to see what you’re missing.

And if you’re wondering what that “#” thingy is all about, or what “RT” means, pop over to my simple guide to reading tweets.

On random thoughts

Google is to the Internet as the microwave is to food: you can get what you want quickly but it may be a bit inconsistent and tasteless.

And the headline stating the obvious award goes to:  “Titanic disaster showed need for better iceberg tracking” http://bit.ly/IzlkBH

The primary reason to encourage our kids to procreate: sweet revenge. 😉

When one door closes, another door opens. I get that, but unfortunately the open door is on the 14th floor of a burning building.

Stupidity for the 21st Century. http://pinterest.com/pin/228276274832531864/

My son’s friend thought it was really cool that you could buy dynamite in this gift store. http://img.ly/guyc

I think A&E discriminates against smart people. If your IQ is over 60 they won’t let you on the air. I smell a class action coming on.

Anyone know where I can get the other 56 varieties of Heinz ketchup? I’m trying to collect ’em all.

is the only person who still starts his tweets with the word “is”.

I timed my in-flight movie to end about 15 minutes before landing…on the one flight ever that arrived a half hour early.

Oh, now that’s going to make it hard to read.  http://img.ly/g65m

Is it so wrong to suggest airlines do breath screenings along with baggage scans? My only hope is a sudden loss of cabin pressure. #oxygen

OK gotta get on a plane now. Anyone want me to say hi to the hygiene-challenged guy with the flu? No doubt I’ll be sitting next to him.

If your neighbors are just starting to silently judge you, then you’ve got some catching up to do. Mine carry scorecards.

Hey, my flight’s on time!   …  APRIL FOOLS! Ahahahahaha…You fell for that? Really?  Ahahahahahahahahaha

Modern parenting at its best. http://wy.la/Hpk06t

Studies show studies are often wrong.

Hey, you know that bottle that says, “up to 30% plant based material”? You DO know that “up to” includes .000001 percent, right?

Scallions? Seriously? SCALLIONS? Who the hell puts scallions in pesto? What are you people thinking?

If you live in a glass house and throw stones, you’re an idiot and you won’t take my advice anyway.

Can I kick ’em in the crotch when I get up? MT @adaddyblog: If someone’s strong enough 2 bring u down, show ’em u’re strong enough 2 get up.

When’s the right time to have “The Talk” w your child? After 3-6 beers, depending on your alcohol tolerance.

If your profile pic includes your chin on your hand, then it’s only natural that I assume you want me to hire you for something.

On this date in 1745, a man said to his daughter, “You’re not going out dressed like that, are you?”

Should I come clean and tell my son I didn’t actually play with the Rolling Stones – I played with rolling stones. We had no marbles.

Yesterday, my son asked why, if the Range Eggs are free, they have a price tag that says $3.99…

I can’t find the Homework setting on the iron so I guess my son will be redoing this one. http://facebook.com/BarmyRootstock …

My son has informed us the restaurant we are considering has a dress code. He says, “I’m pretty sure it’s plaid.”

Facebook won’t let me put “Endentured Parent” as my place of employment.

Fish and chips for lunch. If you need me I’ll be under my desk.

The only thing keeping me awake after my plate of fish and chips is the fear of dying of a heart attack in my sleep.

I’m not reading this article. I don’t want to see the “however” part. MT @VancouverSun: Chocolate-eaters have lower body mass http://bit.ly/Hdxr8T

My son has confirmed that broccoli works just as well as alligators for keeping people from crossing moats.

Can anyone tell me how to get wi-fi on this thing? http://img.ly/fIVJ

So after 71 years Dick Cheney finally has a heart.

A look at today’s popular media and advertising and you’d think being born with a Y chromosome was like arriving pre-lobotomized.

Turns out it’s not my fault, I have a defect known as Congenital Y Chromosome.

Humor is like jazz: Not everybody “gets” every style, but that’s no measure of whether it’s good or not, just whether it’ll sell.

The reason my dog wishes he had thumbs: http://ow.ly/i/wpZ9

OK everybody stop tweeting for a minute–I’m trying to concentrate…

OK, I’ve made my decision: I’m going with the Nutella sandwich. Thanks.

They say you’re most apt to relate to a written work if you’re in the state the author was when writing it.  Read this in your underwear.

Dear son, FYI, when I ask what the pain feels like I don’t mean demonstrate it on ME!

I’m doing a seminar called How to Make More Money Doing Seminars on How to Make More Money. Taking prepayments now if you’re interested.

Well that doesn’t seem fair. It’s my birthday so why do they get my free ice cream? http://pic.twitter.com/TZw1yTdv

The key to getting your writing done is…broccoli and alligators.  http://bit.ly/GFLf8m

I think I need a mascot to stand outside my door and wave to passersby in the office. Anyone know an out of work mascot?

……..

On March 21, the Huffington Post ran a story about eleven pounds of pot that was intercepted on its way to St Martin’s Press, a subsidiary of MacMillan. The story resulted in an impromptu swarm of tweets, tagged with the term “#potlit”, sharing titles of literary works as revised to reflect how they might have been written if the authors were potheads. These were my contributions to the timewasting exercise:

Light Up in August  #potlit

Joint Counter Joint #potlit

The Golden Bowl  wait, that’s real…  #potlit

To the Light Up House #potlit

Bongwatership Down #potlit

Where the Red Fern Grow-Ops #potlit

Where am I Going, Where Have I Been? #potlit

Crackhouse-five #potlit

Does it count if I’m pretty sure the author was stoned when he wrote it? #potlit

Oliver’s Twisted #potlit

The Merchant with a Pager on the Corner in Venice #potlit

The Lion, the Witch, and the Whoa Dude  #potlit

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide the Joint Dude, My Mom’s Here  #potlit

Death of a Dealer #potlit

Huge Breakfast at Tiffany’s #potlit

Billy’s Bud  #potlit

Babylon Revisited and other Rastafarian works #potlit

War and, Like, Peace Man #potlit

The Tell-Tale Red Eyes #potlit

From the Earth to the Moon (As is)  #potlit

The Land that Time…um…uh… #potlit

The Red Bong of Courage #potlit

Just Say No #potlit

Wuthering Highs #potlit

Bong With the Wind #potlit

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland….wait, no, that’s #acidlit  #potlit

Great Inhalations #potlit

Moby’s Lit #potlit

Catcher in the Cannabis #potlit

Anything from J.R.R Tokin’ #potlit