Making the Internet a better place one bad answer at a time

 

 

Welcome to this week’s instalment of WTF Wednesday, playing a soothing blend of today’s best bad advice and yesterday’s favorite crappy suggestions.

Here at Advice Central, we get a lot of questions via Twitter, the blog’s comment section, email, and the occasional carrier pigeon. (Thanks for all the pigeons, by the way, they’re awesome slow-roasted with butter and a bit of garlic.)

Today, we’re answering several questions that were submitted via search engines like Google. Every time Google recommends a website, the owner of that site can see what search terms were typed that eventually led the unsuspecting fool there. For example, last week someone typed “moron chicken” into Google and up popped I’ve Become My Parents. The connections are, of course, obvious (I have been called both at various points in my life, although never at the same time).

All of the questions below were typed into search engines who pointed the answer-seeker to I’ve Become My Parents for expert advice. And if Google thinks I know, then it must be true.

1. How do you know when you’re going through puberty?—Did you think about sex more than 3 times while reading this answer? Well now you know.
2. How to talk to a date’s parents—From a safe distance.
3. What are ways to keep children quiet?—Most of my readers recommend duct tape.
4. Why does my child annoy when bored? —He’s not bored. He was bored until he realized that annoying you is loads of fun.
5. What to do with annoying children—You really should have Grandma on speed dial by now.
6. What to expect from your father—Take a good look at Grandpa. Now you know.
7. How to tell your parent you’re in puberty—Dude, they knew before you did. Trust me on that.
8. Why do parents embarrass their children?—It’s in our DNA. For more on that, visit this post.
9. Is everything ok? – if you call sitting in front of your computer asking Google if everything’s OK OK, then yes, everything’s OK.
10. RIP sayings for grandpa—Here lies Grandpa for whom we apparently cared so little that we had to search Google for something to say about him.
11. Why is my kid not eating?—Maybe he’s tired of mac and cheese. Try learning to cook.
12. How to tell your parents you might have torn your ACL—Try this: “Mom and Dad, I might have torn my ACL.”
13. Ways to embarrass your children on twitter or facebook—I created a Twitter Group called “people whose asses I’ve wiped.” Worked for me.
14. Where’s my phone? —What makes Google think I know where your phone is? While you’re online, ask Google if it’s seen my contact lens.
15. How to be in touch with your sensitive side—I always used a Playboy and my right hand. You do what works for you.
16. Why do I have to love my parents unconditionally? —Because there’s no way your parents would be able to meet any one of your conditions.
17. How to scare my parents—Start being nice. That’ll freak them out.
18. When do children start becoming embarrassed by their parents? —Interestingly, it’s usually about the same time that mom and dad begin to realize they’ve become their parents. Coincidence?
19. i havee girl problems at school, i think sh likes me what do i do? (sic) —First learn to type; girls hate bad typing.
20. What if I sound like my parents? —You’re screwed. Sorry.
21. How to know what our parents are doing in their room—Most people spend considerable effort trying not to think about that. If you really want to know, though, it’s a good bet he’s snoring and she’s trying to remember why she married him.
22. What’s more fun than playing with your kids? —Getting in touch with your sensitive side.
23. Why are my parents suddenly being nice to me?—It’s probably a virus. Give it a week or so and if the condition doesn’t improve have them checked by a qualified professional; your parents may have been replaced by some kind of extraterrestrial being sent to Earth to cause confusion among kids.

Problem solved! You’re welcome.