Well, it’s been a couple busy weeks in Twitterville. The @Ibecamemydad Twitter feed continues to grow in popularity. Recent studies suggest that the rising unemployment rate in several countries correlates perfectly with the rise in followers of my feed. Read into that what you will, but clearly people have a lot of time to waste. For those of you who don’t have a lot of time to waste,once in a while I package up my favorite tweets into a single concentrated time-wasting package and post them here.
And just a reminder: if you are still wondering what a tweet is and how to read one, you can always check out this simple guide to deciphering a tweet.
On random thoughts
Why isn’t parenting part of the X Games?
We have a Future Therapy Fund. When we say things like, “Every time you say ‘I’m bored’ a bunny dies” we pay into it. Well worth it.
Told my son that every time someone says “I’m bored” a puppy gets swallowed by a dolphin just before they both get run over by a jetski.
#publishingeuphemisms “Genre-busting” Unmarketable but another editor pissed me off recently so I’ll recommend it to them.
#publishingeuphemisms “My muse” — The poor sod I plagiarized.
My son’s solution to being unable to find his shoes this morning when late for school: Sit on the floor and hope I’ll look. Um…no.
Honestly, if you’re going to put a window in my office the least you could do is install blinds. I can’t get any sleep in here.
7ElevenCanada Thanks for the follow. Any chance you can tweet me over a slurpee (1/3 Coke, 1/4 Mtn Dew, 1/5 red stuff, 1/5 blue stuff)? Thx!
I’m considering giving up on my Skype-based babysitting idea.
Today’s anatomy lesson: CEREBRAL ENCORETEX: The part of a child’s brain responsible for reciting the same joke ten times within 10 minutes.
My latest invention is called Quiet. It’s not perfected yet but when it is, I’m marketing it to parents for serious money.
Can my profile pic still look professional if my hand isn’t on my chin or holding my glasses? I’m standing up for handless profile pics.
This is what it looks like when the #pharma industry raises its middle finger at its customer. yfrog.com/es4stvnj #Zantac
I’m go After some long, serious soul searching, I think I’ve found The Answer. I need to get rich.
I’m going on tour to lecture and sell books about my new discovery on how to be happy. I’m calling it the “Just Get Rich” tour.
Don’t be fooled: the Internet does NOT know everything. I asked it where I left my car keys. No help at all. #Imcrushed
Thanks and hello to all the new followers this week! And I apologize in advance for, well, pretty much everything.
I spend more time going back to the gym to get what I left there than I do actually using the gym. #absentminded and #outofshape
For your safety and the safety of others, please wait until this tweet comes to a full and complete stop before RTing.
My kid is too busy cultivating a sense of “Aw” to develop a good sense of awe.
WE? How are WE doing today? WE are not having lunch; I am. You are serving it. I have no idea how you’re doing. Any other questions?
There should be a name for that 5-minute period after you fart in your office when you sit praying nobody comes by to talk to you.
What if contention were an invertebrate?
So the North Pole is apparently a Coca Cola establishment. I wonder who they had to sleep with to get THAT contract. #Santasaslut
Scientists estimate that 76 per cent of the planet’s potent greenhouse gas methane is produced by my dog’s ass. #sciencefacts
Yup, I can function without coffee. So can a cockroach. But at least they have the good sense not to operate dangerous machinery.
On search terms used to find this blog
Person who found my blog searching “using why in a sentence”: Ask my son; he’s the master at that.
Person who found my blog searching “how to scare the neighbor’s kids”: If you need to look it up, don’t bother, you’ll be lame at it.
Person who found my blog searching “what to do when your parents don’t like you”: Try not being an a**hole. #justtryingtohelp
Person who found my blog searching “my child won’t shut up”: I’m pretty sure there’s an app for that.
Somebody found my blog by searching “worst looking chicken.” Guess I can check that goal off my list.
On products parents would buy
Velcro toddler pajamas/shag carpet combo set. #productparentswouldbuy
DIY Home Taser kits. #ProductsParentsWouldBuy
“I’m not your frickin’ garbage can” T-shirts #ProductsParentsWouldBuy
Mittens with built-in GPS locators. #ProductsParentsWouldBuy
Home gravity-neutralizing device for mealtime. #ProductsParentsWouldBuy
Self-cleaning backseats #ProductsParentsWouldBuy
Peanut-free peanuts. #ProductsParentsWouldBuy
Cookie-flavored broccoli #ProductsParentsWouldBuy
Soundproof playroom padding. #ProductsParentsWouldBuy
Self-changing diapers. #ProductsParentsWouldBuy
Noise-cancelling ANYTHING #ProductsParentsWouldBuy
Child-sized blinders for when passing the toy isle at WalMart. #ProductsParentsWouldBuy
Auto-ejecting teenager beds #ProductsParentsWouldBuy