Well happy Sunday! Here’s the latest batch of my favorite tweets from the last couple of weeks.
I should be excited that my coffee is almost ready. Ironically, I can’t get excited about anything until I’ve had my coffee.
Ooh, this conditioner has apricot butter in it. I bet that complements the behentrimonium methosulfate really well.
If dogs have such a great sense of smell then why does mine need to stick his nose in crap that I can smell from half a mile away?
I can’t for the life of me figure out where the coffee comes out. Http://img.ly/cYgY
Apparently Frontier Airlines has determined that wi-fi is completely safe in flight– as long as you pay for it.
Ban airport ambling: slow, unpredictable wandering in airports when I’m in a hurry should be illegal. #cantpassthesepeople
If I were a gangsta rapper I’d call myself DJ Fluffy Fluff. That’s why I’m not a gangsta rapper.
So I just sent off my first query letter. Might wait a week before quitting the day job. #dontwanttojumpthegun
I’m paying the dentist a bazillion dollars to clean my teeth, so why do I still feel the need to clean my teeth before I go?
I don’t think people in glass houses really care about your advice.
Last time I checked, people in regular houses shouldn’t throw stones either.
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t run a grow-op.
Why all the effort to potty train your kids when in 10 years you’ll be banging on the door trying to get them out of the bathroom?
FYI, son, “I didn’t forget; you didn’t remind me” is not a valid excuse.
Dear Arctic, you can have your damn air back.
Does it bother anyone else that millions of sperm die every time a man has sex?
Dental hygienists should not be allowed to eat garlic.
Damn. Got a Kajagoogoo song stuck in my head. May have to purge it with the Barney theme song. I’ll worry how to exorcise that later.
Quick dating tip: Wait to show her you can play “Oh Canada” with your armpit until at least the second date. You’re welcome.
My brain has reached saturation. Now it’s just releasing useless and often annoying bits of drivel back into the atmosphere.
A toddler leash makes it much easier for your toddler to keep up when you’re out jogging. You don’t have to keep telling her to hurry up.
One reason to use a toddler leash is that keeping a boy on a short leash from an early age is great preparation for eventual married life.
Person who found my blog searching “puperty knowing more thatn your parents”: Yeah, well I bet your parents know how to type and spell.
…then there are the people who find my blog searching things like “let them sit in their own poop learning to go potty.”
I know my SEO is working when people find my blog searching terms like “urgent pee.”
Oh, you silly person who left the cookies on the counter in the lunch room. Silly, silly person.
I hate thick plots. Every time the plot thickens I get all, “Ew, the plot is thicker than it was before.”
I think I’m in the wrong tunnel. I’m looking for the one with the light at the end of it.
If you go to any of the blogs on my Blog and Twitter roll, don’t tell them I sent you…I think I owe most of them money.
Person who found my blog searching “how to potty train your child at night”: It’s the same as during the day but you turn the lights on.
Person who found my blog searching “how to make sure your parents don’t find your twitter”: It’s gonna cost you to keep my mouth shut.
Person who found my blog searching “why is your god better then mine”: Mine hands out free ice cream on Sundays.
Person who found my blog searching “what is important to have before u become a parent”: A good hazmat suit.
I just unlocked the “Wasting Too Much Time On the Web Trying to Unlock Badges” badge at I’ve Become My Parents
I built a better mousetrap and I’ve been sitting by the door for hours. Nobody. What a bunch of crap. Last time I believe a cliche.
Blogistically should be a word. As in, “I’ve known her blogistically for a while now.”
I wonder if anyone has died from choking on the proof in their pudding.