Fresh batch of favorite IBMP tweets!

Happy Friday! Here’s the latest batch of favorite tweets from the last few weeks:

Freshness dated January 5, 2012

On random thoughts 

If I ever get a horse I’m going to teach him to push carts instead of pull them. Then putting the cart before the horse won’t be so bad.

Yikes! I just inhaled chai spices by accident. I’ll be cleaning snot off my keyboard for the rest of the day.

Anyone know where I can get fake chickens to raise? I’m working on a new canned product called Spicken.

Don’t know what they fed my dog at the boarding kennel but I’m going to bottle his farts and ship them back #Imdyingoverhere

If it answers to Fido it’s mine. Ran away last week. RT @NBCMiami Leg washes ashore, police search for the body bit.ly/tQaDL9

I’m calling on my Representative to introduce a bill outlawing Christmas music after Dec 25 and before Dec 1.

Returning from a week with the MIL has left me one hell of a lot of blog post material. So at least there’s that.

In case you missed it — this is all you need to know about the holidays at my MIL’s: bit.ly/tsef7t What year is it again?

Hey, um, look, I’m sorry, but I took Santa out for some fun this afternoon. He’s passed out on my bathroom floor. Might be a bit late.

Aaaak! The MIL is hovering and I can’t rewash the coffee cup she just “washed”. Tough choice but I’m pouring…

I think my MIL is personally responsible for keeping 4 full-time people employed at the recycle ctr removing garbage from recyclables.

Has anyone stopped to consider what will happen to Pepsodent when all our grandparents die?

Blech! Just reminded how crappy SoCal water tastes. You guys do know that Nor Cal keeps the good water and sends you the dregs, right?

Go download the IBMP Dictionary of parenting terms or Rudolph goes on strike Christmas Eve. Do you really want that? amzn.to/u8xIlS

This is just asking for someone to steal my garbage. img.ly/c1PQ

On search terms used to find this blog

Person who found my blog searching “awful grandparent humor”: Did you mean “awful grandparent-humor” or “awful-grandparent humor”? Big diff.

Person who found my blog searching “what if god sends you to an alternate dimension”: Say hello to my son for me.

Person who found my blog searching “percent of kids who think their parents are embarrassing”: It’s 99.9999 The other .0001 is Charlie Sheen

Person who found my blog searching “dates you can take your father on”:– In answer to your question: The last one.

On ways to rephrase clichés so they don’t sound like clichés

(Writers are always trying to avoid using clichés. These are some suggestions for alternatives to some of the more common ones– can you tell what the original cliché is for each of these?)

#notquitecliche You can take the skin off a cat using a number of techniques.

#notquitecliche If you like grease then squeak like a wheel

#notquitecliche The shoe isn’t on the same foot.

#notquitecliche They make you give them money by taking it out of your nose.

#notquitecliche Not just on pins or on needles, but on both.

#notquitecliche Not just the regular naked, but the kind of naked that you were when you were born.

#notquitecliche Money is produced through a complicated printing process so you can’t expect to find it growing in an orchard.

#notquitecliche If I ever actually looked at the back of my hand, then that’s how well I’d know it.

#notquitecliche He’s not a dog, but if he were you would hate to listen to him even more than you’d hate to be bitten by him.

#notquitecliche That’s an idea that needs to be baked twice as much as it was.

#notquitecliche Growing like an invasive plant that grows real fast.

#notquitecliche The stuff that comes before the other stuff is the stuff you should do before the other stuff .

#notquitecliche A face that’s butt-ugly but that a mother might not puke upon seeing.

#notquitecliche If someone pokes out your eye then you can poke out theirs, too, but if they knock out a tooth then you should do that.

#notquitecliche If someone gives you a horse, always look at it from the side or back.

#notquitecliche A day behind and having about 100 cents less than you need.

#notquitecliche Be there or be an equilateral rectangle.

#notquitecliche The horse is being put behind the cart.

#notquitecliche Always wearing a puffy purple dress that cost way too much and never wearing a pretty white dress.

#notquitecliche The world is traveling to Hades by hand in a woven container.

#notquitecliche He’s as cold as water that’s below freezing.

#notquitecliche The night was of a dark and/or stormy nature.

 

On New Years resolutions

My newest New Years resolution: spell “bureaucrat” correctly (yes, I used spell check this time, too). #Loftygoals

First day back at work and remembered my keys — nailed that resolution! Forgot my lunch — OK, so 50 percent’s not that bad, right?

I resolve to not get caught as much when tweeting at inappropriate times in 2012.

My New Year’s resolution: I resolve to buy larger pants to accommodate the additional weight I will gain in 2012.

I resolve to take up smoking in 2012, and then to resolve to quit in 2013, 2014, 2015, and 2016.

I resolve to be not quite as vague about some things during certain parts of 2012 as I was at other times before.

I resolve to suck less at some things in 2012.

I resolve to eat more burritos in 2012.

I resolve to sleep under my desk at work more often in 2012.

I resolve to whine more in 2012.

I resolve to wear down a slightly different spot on the couch in 2012.

I resolve not to burn as much toast in 2012 unless I get distracted or something.

I resolve to drink more beer in 2012.

I resolve to swear as much as I do now in 2012.

I resolve to gain fewer than 35 pounds in 2012.

I resolve to not eat less chocolate in 2012.

I resolve to not quit coffee in 2012.

Frodo’s resolution: I will shave my feet more than once a decade.  #GeekResolutions