Fresh batch of favorite tweets!

Freshness dated December 16, 2011

On Random Thoughts

I feel the need to point out that “A-mile-a-minute” is only 60 mph. Go a mile a minute on a California freeway and you’ll likely get shot.

We put signs on all of our neighbor’s lawns saying, “Bear poop welcome here.” Ours has a big steamer with a circle and slash.

I measure sales of my ebook by the number of electrons moved per purchase. Sounds way better to say I sold 56 billion electrons today.

I think I’m going to start saving the coffee concentrate that’s in the bottom of my cup on Monday morning. Might be good spread on toast.

Tis better to give than receive, so I’m wrapping all my gifts this year with my phone, gas and electric bills.

Digging around the house but finding very little to re-gift this year. Quick, someone give me a fruitcake.

Critical acclaim for I’ve Become My Parents: “I paid for 8 years of college and this is what you do with it? What, you couldn’t be a doctor?”

Tis the season to sit through 2 hours of school holiday concert only to see my kid in 30 seconds of songs. Oh joy!

I got a great email offer to be a paid mystery shopper. I’m gonna take it. I’m tired of waiting for my check from the rich dude in Zambia.

Colleague can’t read anything w/o suggesting a change so I put one glaring mistake in everything. She fixes it, leaves the rest alone.

I appreciate that you tried to make this wool shirt not scratchy, but when you failed I’d rather you didn’t still market it that way.

We’re this waiter’s first table he’s ever served. Does that increase or decrease the likelihood that he’ll spit in our food?

Me being an awesome parent b4 my son’s concert: No matter if ur happy or not with how u do, we’re proud of you. Him: Do I NEED 2 know this?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaak

I wonder if the girls in the spambot avatar pics have their own Twitter feeds. I bet they use a picture of R2D2 for their avatar.

Take ’em to Nordstom. Charge $100 to take them back out of the store. They’ll pay. MT @Twinfamy: Anybody know of a way to monetize crying?

I guess my shrew wasn’t that tame after all; he just killed a mocking bird.

Well, in that case, I’m an asshole. No really, I am. Really. RT @MoistPork: I think people who are assholes maybe just need a hug.

Someone should buy the comment spammers better translation software.

I have the same problem w/ my son, and it’s a nice kennel, too. MT @polarbearscooby: Its killing me to hear Daine cry because she doesn’t wanna nap in her kennel.

 On Fruitcake

Top 5 uses for holiday fruitcake: #5 – Hang it over the door to drop on potential burglars.

Top 5 uses for holiday fruitcake:  #4 – Use it to smash diamonds into powder and snort.

Top 5 uses for holiday fruitcake:  #3 – Mount one on each end of a bar and use for bench pressing.

Top 5 uses for holiday fruitcake: #2 Put it under the wheels of your trailer to keep it from rolling away.

Top 5 uses for holiday fruitcake:  #1 Use it to barricade the door in case zombies attack.

On Search Terms Used to Find this Blog

Person who found my blog searching: “when should you read old diaries”:  After about 8 beers.

Person who found my blog searching “how do you read tweets to somebody else”: I recommend out loud.

Person who found my blog searching “are braces for kids overrated?”: Not by kids, that’s for sure.

Person who found my blog searching “what happened to missile command?”: Have you heard of Viagra?

Person who found my blog searching “thing you can learn from your mom”: So, really? You think there’s only ONE thing? Really?

Person who found my blog searching “sucking puke off bathroom floor”: Sorry, I don’t do fetishes.