Don’t bother; I’m just going to say no…again.

Posted on July 18, 2011

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You ask and I say “No”.

You ask again. I say “No” again.

You say “Please.” I say “No.”

You say, “Please, please, please puhleeeeese.” And I say  “No.”

You give up.

The next day, you’ll ask again.

So I’m going to save you some trouble and lay it out for you as clearly as I can. What follows is a list of those things that, no matter how often you ask, I’ll keep saying “No” to. It never worked in the past and it won’t in the future.

So I’ll just say no to all these things now this one time and we can just consider it done. OK?

  • Buying you that toy that you’ve never seen until today but somehow decided that you’ve “always wanted it.”  Look, despite what you may be thinking, your life does not depend on your owning that cheap plastic toy lizard.

 

  • That $500 Lego Star Wars Death Star. It’s not going to happen. I don’t care if it has 20 minifigures and a bazillion pieces. I’ll give you some cardboard, a pen and some scissors; you can cut one out.

 

  • Ice cream for breakfast. Jeez man, I don’t even let you have Frosted Flakes, why the hell would I let you have a bowl of ice cream?

 

  • A raise. $2.50 is enough money for picking up dog poop. Deal with it.

 

  • Me doing your paper route for you when it rains. Dude, you signed up for it and now you want me to do it for you every time it rains? Nice try.

 

  • Another dog. I can’t get you to take care of the one we have now. Or the fish. Or the frogs. Or the ants you brought into the house, for that matter.

 

  • The Upsell. You get me to agree to buying one cheap toy then immediately try to get an upgrade. Forget it.

 

  • Driving the car. Yeah, right.

 

  • Buying a subscription to Club Penguin. I’m not paying 7 bucks a month for that. I’m just not.

 

And finally,

Any question that starts with, “Dad, I have a question…”

You must have noticed this recurring conversation:

You: “Dad, I have a question.”

Me: “No.”

You: “But-”

Me: “No.”

You: “I didn’t even-”

Me: “No.  . . . So how was your day today?”

You: “Fine. We made a diorama.”

Me: “Cool.”

See, that’s what parents call a tell. Everybody has one. It’s that thing you do that gives away what you’re thinking. Every time you know I’m going to say “no” but you ask anyway, you start with, “Dad, I have a question.”  All the other times, you just come out and ask your question.

So if it’s OK with you, I’d like you to just print this post out and carry it everywhere you go. Then, before you ask for anything, consult this list. It should save us a lot of time.

I’m guessing other readers have a few guaranteed “no”s in their list. If so, please share them.

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