My favorite tweets
Roughly every week or so I toss up a sample of the IBMP Twitter feed that you can consume all in one sitting. They’re in nice bite-sized 140 character chunks. I can’t say that makes them easier to digest, just that they’re quick to pass through the system.
Wondering how to read a tweet? Check out this simple guide.
Freshness dated December 16, 2011
On Random Thoughts
I feel the need to point out that “A-mile-a-minute” is only 60 mph. Go a mile a minute on a California freeway and you’ll likely get shot.
We put signs on all of our neighbor’s lawns saying, “Bear poop welcome here.” Ours has a big steamer with a circle and slash.
I measure sales of my ebook by the number of electrons moved per purchase. Sounds way better to say I sold 56 billion electrons today.
I think I’m going to start saving the coffee concentrate that’s in the bottom of my cup on Monday morning. Might be good spread on toast.
Tis better to give than receive, so I’m wrapping all my gifts this year with my phone, gas and electric bills.
Digging around the house but finding very little to re-gift this year. Quick, someone give me a fruitcake.
Critical acclaim for I’ve Become My Parents: “I paid for 8 years of college and this is what you do with it? What, you couldn’t be a doctor?”
Tis the season to sit through 2 hours of school holiday concert only to see my kid in 30 seconds of songs. Oh joy!
I got a great email offer to be a paid mystery shopper. I’m gonna take it. I’m tired of waiting for my check from the rich dude in Zambia.
Colleague can’t read anything w/o suggesting a change so I put one glaring mistake in everything. She fixes it, leaves the rest alone.
I appreciate that you tried to make this wool shirt not scratchy, but when you failed I’d rather you didn’t still market it that way.
We’re this waiter’s first table he’s ever served. Does that increase or decrease the likelihood that he’ll spit in our food?
Me being an awesome parent b4 my son’s concert: No matter if ur happy or not with how u do, we’re proud of you. Him: Do I NEED 2 know this?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaak
I wonder if the girls in the spambot avatar pics have their own Twitter feeds. I bet they use a picture of R2D2 for their avatar.
Take ‘em to Nordstom. Charge $100 to take them back out of the store. They’ll pay. MT @Twinfamy: Anybody know of a way to monetize crying?
I guess my shrew wasn’t that tame after all; he just killed a mocking bird.
Well, in that case, I’m an asshole. No really, I am. Really. RT @MoistPork: I think people who are assholes maybe just need a hug.
Someone should buy the comment spammers better translation software.
I have the same problem w/ my son, and it’s a nice kennel, too. MT @polarbearscooby: Its killing me to hear Daine cry because she doesn’t wanna nap in her kennel.
On Fruitcake
Top 5 uses for holiday fruitcake: #5 – Hang it over the door to drop on potential burglars.
Top 5 uses for holiday fruitcake: #4 – Use it to smash diamonds into powder and snort.
Top 5 uses for holiday fruitcake: #3 – Mount one on each end of a bar and use for bench pressing.
Top 5 uses for holiday fruitcake: #2 Put it under the wheels of your trailer to keep it from rolling away.
Top 5 uses for holiday fruitcake: #1 Use it to barricade the door in case zombies attack.
On Search Terms Used to Find this Blog
Person who found my blog searching: “when should you read old diaries”: After about 8 beers.
Person who found my blog searching “how do you read tweets to somebody else”: I recommend out loud.
Person who found my blog searching “are braces for kids overrated?”: Not by kids, that’s for sure.
Person who found my blog searching “what happened to missile command?”: Have you heard of Viagra?
Person who found my blog searching “thing you can learn from your mom”: So, really? You think there’s only ONE thing? Really?
Person who found my blog searching “sucking puke off bathroom floor”: Sorry, I don’t do fetishes.
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Freshly posted: more of my favorite tweets | I've become my parents →
May 16th, 2011 → 9:48 pm[...] up to be just like me. Skip to content HomeAbout this blogFavorite tweets from othersFavorite tweets of mine ← Just kiss [...]
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Just updated the Favorite Tweets of Mine page! | I've become my parents →
May 20th, 2011 → 11:27 pm[...] up to be just like me. Skip to content HomeAbout this blogFavorite tweets from othersFavorite tweets of minePast Words Of the Day ← No, really, [...]
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Fresh batch of favorite tweets just posted! | I've become my parents →
May 24th, 2011 → 3:10 pm[...] son needs to know before he grows up to be just like me. Skip to content HomeAbout this blogFavorite tweets of minePast Words Of the Day ← Thanks for stopping by…Please tell me what [...]
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Just updated My Favorite Tweets and added a guide to reading tweets! | I've become my parents →
June 7th, 2011 → 11:55 pm[...] son needs to know before he grows up to be just like me. Skip to content HomeAbout this blogMy favorite tweetsHow to read a tweetMore of my favorite tweetsPast Words Of the Day ← [...]
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Just updated My Favorite Tweets page! | I've become my parents →
June 26th, 2011 → 10:29 am[...] he grows up to be just like me. Skip to content HomeAbout MeAbout this blogContactMy favorite tweetsHow to read a tweetMore of my favorite tweetsPast Words Of the Day ← [...]
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Freshly posted: a new batch of favorite tweets! | I've become my parents →
July 9th, 2011 → 10:59 pm[...] he grows up to be just like me. Skip to content HomeAbout MeAbout this blogContactMy favorite tweetsHow to read a tweetMore of my favorite tweetsPast Words Of the Day ← [...]
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Fresh batch of favorite tweets! | I've become my parents →
July 22nd, 2011 → 10:36 am[...] he grows up to be just like me. Skip to content HomeAbout MeAbout this blogContactMy favorite tweetsHow to read a tweetMore of my favorite tweetsPast Words Of the Day ← [...]
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How to Ditch your GF « The Best Self-Help T-Shirt Catalog Ever! →
November 16th, 2011 → 10:22 am[...] has a blog called I’ve become my parents. In this blog, there is a section called My FavoriteTweets where he takes a humorous look at the Google search terms that bring people to his [...]
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Dadblog Theme Songs: I’ve Become My Parents @IBecameMyDad | EduDad →
April 21st, 2012 → 6:28 am[...] supply of what I call the “short ‘n’ funny” that can be found by the batch on his blog. Aside from blogging and tweeting, he writes and illustrates [...]
dsantos2011
June 29, 2011
Your blog is awesome. I lost count how many times it made me laugh. Wait…I wasn’t even counting. Anyways, great stuff.
I've Become My Parents
July 3, 2011
Thanks very much. I’m glad it worked as intended for you!
Sara no "H"
July 10, 2011
I love reading! You crack me up.
I've Become My Parents
July 10, 2011
Thanks Sara with no “H”! I’m glad you’re enjoying reading the blog!
Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)
August 26, 2011
Great stuff man. Very funny tweets. I do my own version as well called Tweetcycling. Did one a few posts ago.
I've Become My Parents
August 26, 2011
Tweetcycling…I like that! I’ll hop over and have a look for that post. Thanks for coming by!
Lisa Galaviz (@lgalaviz)
August 29, 2011
If dogs had thumbs, they would be up to no good. I have a feeling that if they had thumbs and could talk, they would be less like man’s best friend, and more like irritating children. Mine would be constantly asking for walks and treats.
Lisa Galaviz (@lgalaviz)
August 29, 2011
Everyone should do this. How did I miss out on all this great Twitterness? Sleeping? Working? Crap.
Lisa Galaviz (@lgalaviz)
August 29, 2011
If my dog could talk, it would also be constantly telling me in a very loud voice how those kids walking across the street with their backpacks and band instruments are up to no good.
Lisa Galaviz (@lgalaviz)
August 29, 2011
How many comments is it polite to make on this thing? Less than four?
Penelope J.
September 5, 2011
LUV! LUV! LUV! U made my day!
I've Become My Parents
September 5, 2011
Hearing I made your day sure makes mine, so consider us even!
cath
September 18, 2011
loved the facebook comment! laughing loud enough to wake the husband in the other end of the house…which tells you I am reading blogs and twitter and googling…and laughing…not a bad combination to replace a sex life with…
I've Become My Parents
September 19, 2011
Always happy to be part of replacing someone’s sex life…
tinkerbelle86
September 23, 2011
very funny!!
I've Become My Parents
September 23, 2011
Thanks tinkerbelle. Love your shades, by the way…
rumpydog
September 23, 2011
Cool tweets!
I've Become My Parents
November 7, 2011
Thanks!
BrainRants
October 4, 2011
You get 5 *’s from me this installment was outstanding.
I've Become My Parents
November 7, 2011
Awesome!
BrainRants
October 13, 2011
Jeez man I live for your blog stuff
I've Become My Parents
November 7, 2011
Honored!
Cherszy
October 13, 2011
You cracked me up dude… again! So, don’t worry, I’m not gonna kick your ass. Keep these coming!
I've Become My Parents
November 7, 2011
Whew, safe!
lisa
October 21, 2011
How exactly are you using the word, ‘snot’?
I've Become My Parents
November 7, 2011
Grossly.
Paula
November 3, 2011
Hysterically funny (as always)
you always make my day!
I've Become My Parents
November 7, 2011
Thanks so much Paula!
wheredreamscollide
November 3, 2011
2 hrs drinking coffee + 2 hrs pacing + 2 hrs staring at page + 1 hr watching TV + 2 hrs lunch + 1 hr writing = Full-Time Writer #amwriting
true story.
I've Become My Parents
November 3, 2011
I guess you’ve been there and done that, eh?
wheredreamscollide
November 3, 2011
Yeah, been there.. still doing it.. and when they say freelance, they are actually pretty much lying to your face-and I wish I get half hour to watch TV. I get like to see snippets while I pass by it, on my way to the kitchen.
I've Become My Parents
November 7, 2011
Yeah. Sorry.
Christina Majaski
November 3, 2011
Still waiting for the Spanx and suspenders. You wanna keep your fans happy, right
I've Become My Parents
November 3, 2011
I have fans?
OK, fine. I’m wearing Spanx and suspenders right now as I type this. Here, let me take a picture to prove it….damn, seems to have a dead battery. Guess you’ll just have to take my word for it.
EduDad
November 5, 2011
Good stuff. Pretty cool to see myself in this batch @SaskaDad (shameless promotion). Honestly, you have a great blog. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed.
I've Become My Parents
November 5, 2011
Hey there. Thanks man. And thanks for all the great Twitter conversation, too!
Laura@Catharsis
November 5, 2011
LOVE. Wanted to check out my tribemates (Small but Sassy). Glad I found you (or our chief found you, or–how the hell does that thing work, anyway?). This is hilarious.
I've Become My Parents
November 7, 2011
Thanks Laura! It’f fun doing the tribe thing, but I’m still trying to figure it out too!
assanab
November 17, 2011
I digital dig. have for a long while, just never shared……
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 17, 2011
Cool. It’s nice to know you’re reading and coming back. Thanks for that!
worrywarts-guide-to-weight-sex-and-marriage
November 17, 2011
Clever as always!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 17, 2011
Well thanks…as always! I do appreciate your visits.