Hi folks. This post was originally published over 3 years ago when I’ve Become My Parents was still just a puppy and had about 18 subscribers. I was thinking about this post recently when my son actually agreed to go out on a tennis court with me and hit some balls. Granted, more balls went over the fence than the net, but he actually enjoyed himself. What’s the big deal, you ask? Well, read on. And when you’re done, I’d love to hear your thoughts about kids and sports, crazy sports parents, and wussy ones like me.
Son, it’s time we talked about sports
“Hey Dad, at the class picnic I was sitting there thinking everyone hated me and Danny came up to me and said I was ‘hard to hate’. Isn’t that a funny thing to say?”
The way you said that yesterday, son, totally caught me off guard. You said it as if the “everyone hated you” part was just some brief bit of context and the real point of the story was that Danny said something funny. That’s like saying, “My doctor just told me I have 6 months to live and he had a piece of lettuce in his teeth.” Um, HELLO?
So I hope you’ll understand if I stopped listening to the rest of the story after hearing that you thought everyone hated you.
I didn’t think they still did that thing where kids all stand in a line and the two biggest jocks in the school get to pick who they want on their teams. I thought they stopped using the Line of Shame technique back when they did away with the dunce cap. Apparently I was wrong.
It turns out that they were picking teams for volleyball—a game you’ve never played—and nobody wanted you on their team.
Why? Because they don’t want to lose. That seems fair enough. Give a ten year old the choice and I’d expect they’d pick the kids most likely to help them win. OK, I get that but there are some things you need to know:
First of all, you can’t suck at something you’ve never tried. The suckometer can’t even detect suckiness until you’ve at least tried something first. Saying you suck at volleyball is like me saying I suck at brain surgery. I’m actually not a bad surgeon–because I’M NOT A SURGEON.
And, besides, not picking you isn’t the same as hating you even though it usually feels like it is.
But you know what concerns me most? It’s that you were totally resigned to the idea that you just aren’t good at sports. At the age of 10 you’ve decided that you just aren’t a “sports guy”.
So here’s my little dadfable for the day:
One upon a time in a land remarkably similar to where I grew up, there was this kid. We’ll call him…me. This kid we’re calling me joined Little League because some friends did.
Now, it turns out that for a lot of dads, the size of their penis is demonstrated by how well their kids do in sports. So most of the other dads had taken two weeks off work to run their Li’l Sluggers through an intensive Baseball Training Home Bootcamp. I guess the idea was to ensure that their kids had already mastered how to play baseball before joining the program that’s supposed to teach them how to play baseball. In this way, the dads would ensure that their penis size was duly noted and they wouldn’t have to buy a Hummer.
My dad’s pre-training training, on the other hand, consisted of stopping at Wal-Mart on the way to the first practice to buy a glove.
And you know what’s awesome? It took a bunch of tries, but I actually hit the ball on the first day of practice! With the bat, even!
I made it to second base, which is pretty cool in either of its connotations (we’ll talk about that some other time). I was feeling pretty good; with some practice, I could probably do this baseball thing.
Now, I knew enough about baseball to understand that the idea is to run from base to base and then get back to home plate. So when the next guy hit a high fly ball, I bolted for third feeling pretty damn good about myself while the other kids cheered me on yelling, “Tag up, tag up.” Assuming that was some kind of cry of encouragement, I kept running, rounded third and made it across home plate, pumping my fists in victory.
So I was rather confused when my teammates told me I was out and had ruined their day, and quite possibly the rest of their lives. It turns out that if the other team catches a fly ball and you’re not standing on a base, you’re out. Any idiot that attended their dad’s pre-season baseball bootcamp would have known that tagging up means to keep a foot on the base and wait to run until you see whether they catch the ball.
The rest of the team treated me like the lamo they thought I was for the rest of the season. And the problem is so did I. I had plenty of time to ponder that while I picked dandelions in left field. I didn’t touch another bat after that rather painful season was over. And for the most part, I avoided just about all other team sports. I just wasn’t a “sports guy”.
I’m no Aesop, but there’s a moral in there somewhere, and it has nothing to do with penis size (well, maybe a little).
The bottom line is that you don’t suck at sports, and neither did I. But I did suck at trying new sports for a very long time after that.
And trying new sports is worth practicing.
So how about we go hit some balls?
Sarah Day
July 22, 2014
Oh, if you can only get them through those painful experiences. Like being the last out in a championship game *sigh*. I’ve noticed my boys will often take personal responsibility for a loss (regardless of how they played) but they always credit others with a win.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
July 22, 2014
That’s a mature thing for kids to do–and not easy. Thanks for commenting!
cordeliasmom2012
July 22, 2014
Never having had a child in sports, I can’t respond to the subject of the post. But I would like to say that this is a good example of why you now have a wee bit more than 18 subscribers today. With my first blogging anniversary coming up next month, I’m hoping by the time I get to 3 years I will have gathered as many followers as you have now. This post gives me hope.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
July 22, 2014
Thanks, and let me be the first to wish you a happy anniblogary…blogiversary?…anniversabloggy?…aw, never mind, happy anniversary of your blog!
Charles
July 22, 2014
It was a good post back then and it is a good one now… We buy our stuff after the season starts so I’m right there with you. Enjoyed it!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
July 22, 2014
Thanks Charles.
djmatticus
July 23, 2014
Had never heard of it referred to as “the line of shame” before. How accurate. How sad.
I was always one of the last kids picked, which had nothing to do with my sports abilities and everything to do with my shunning of cliques. Funny how the teams that picked me were always surprised by how good I was… Though, really, popularity should be correlated with skill, right?
I won’t be one of the dads taking two weeks off to do pre-training ahead of my son starting a new sport. But, that’s because I already have him immersed in sports. It’s just a part of my life and now a part of his life…
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
July 23, 2014
I think I was always picked last because of the panicked look on my face. Of course the lederhosen, knee socks and suspenders I wore in the German band might also have had something to do with my popularity issues.
Thanks for your comment!
djmatticus
July 23, 2014
The lederhosen was exactly why I didn’t join the German band. Well, that, and my school didn’t have one… A shame, really.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
July 23, 2014
<——This could have been you!
djmatticus
July 23, 2014
How cool would that have been? Curse my rotten luck for not having a German Band in school!! *shakes fists at the fates*
Mary
July 27, 2014
“Now, it turns out that for a lot of dads, the size of their penis is demonstrated by how well their kids do in sports”
Hilarious! I’d never realised that one – very enlightening!.
rhonwynalyna
July 29, 2014
This was awesome! Hope you don’t mind, but I’m gonna print it and have my own son read it! That way he knows that it isn’t just HIM, but a universal thing that people just go through. He’s willing to give up, now, without even trying. I’m hoping your words will help him get out of this catch 22 way of thinking.
theboltonskydiaries
September 10, 2014
I’m terrible at sports- and not the “I’m terrible because I try once and I’m terrible at it way,” but the actual, I’m ok at the very beginning and then after a while when people start to improve I stay the same sucky beginner self. I think that has everything to do with the fact that I couldn’t give a shit and really really don’t want to try. BUT, to get to my point, my husband is SUPER sporty- he just loves it all- if he could be on a soccer field all day playing he would. I am happy for my kids (future, given I only have one now) because I know he will play everything with them, and I’m glad you’re doing that, too. But it is a great lesson to learn that losing doesn’t equate to self worth, and being picked last doesn’t mean everyone hates you. I think the line is still a worthy lesson in life skills that our kids desperately need in a world which repeatedly tells them that they’re awesome at everything and trying is all that matters, when in reality (and they get hit with this pretty hard when they leave home: see: my younger dumb brother) life is hard and it’s a bitch. That’s a lesson worth learning early.
secretlykindoffunny
September 15, 2014
I don’t have kids. But I appreciated this. Thanks for re-posting.
naptimethoughts
September 23, 2014
It’s okay, I’m sure your penis is just right for you. 🙂
Tahmid Haque
September 24, 2014
Hey! I think your blog is awesome, so I’ve nominated you for The Sunshine Award. You have no idea what that is. So, click on the link and find out compadre: http://the-life-of-ty.com/2014/09/24/the-sunshine-award/
emiliasimon
September 24, 2014
Living in an artsy community that doesn’t place a lot of emphasis on sports, I can say that the competition among parents is all relative, no matter what the activity. Where I live, it’s not about how many hits or goals or whatever your kid gets; it’s about ‘how many instruments does he play?’ or ‘which drama camp is she going to this summer?’ or my favorite ‘you mean your child’s NOT doing chorus?’ Don’t know how any of this correlates to penis size, though. . . 🙂
missteex
October 8, 2014
I have nominated you for the Liebster Award for new blogs. I hope you will accept the nomination! You will find a link to your site, along with information about the award, if you click on the following link: http://othersideofregular.wordpress.com/
Tour de Ireland - Emmet Ryan (Veloem)
November 3, 2014
Good post. I don’t have kids either but always good to know!
kingterrence
November 22, 2014
“One upon a time in a land remarkably similar to where I grew up, there was this kid. We’ll call him…me. This kid we’re calling me joined Little League because some friends did.”
I don’t mean to seem like an idiot critic, but that’s the only grammatical error I seen, and if I have one in one of my stories, I would wish for someone to tell me.
I’m uh…a young one…HS. But, other than that, I hear you, it all makes sense. I’m glad you have received this psychological revelation.
helpandadviceforu
December 26, 2014
Hi, my blog is there to help people (mainly teens) with their worries and their troubles. A big like an agony aunt, but a bit more friendly i guess… I would love it if you had a look on my page and followed and if you have any worries, just comment or contact me directly using the links provided on my page!!!! It would make my day if someone looked! Thanks if you do!
calingasankj
January 28, 2015
Reblogged this on kjs 2cents and commented:
Such a good read. Great humor and very entertaining.
Phil Taylor
February 1, 2015
This was great. It deserves to be Freshly Pressed.
devotionalsp
February 11, 2015
That was a great post and humor. I don’t have a son to put in sports but I do have a daughter. When I attempted to have her play soccer she focused on eating oranges on the sidelines. I let her finish the season and then never put her in sports again. She was content to play as little as possible so I started bringing her extra oranges on my snack day. Thanks for sharing.
thelibrariansfv
February 13, 2015
I really enjoyed this blog, its very relatable to a lot of young kids’ lives and many dads i suppose. I recently published a blog about the Angel Stadium so it was nice to see the “tag up” reference! I’ve been through a life of sports growing up through elementary school and middle school and it was quite a fun ride. I wasn’t the best at baseball although I was pretty good. However, I never made the all-star team, but according to my teammates one year, I should’ve made the team. I was very good at soccer though and on the all-star team every year I played. So this post of sports + humor was very enjoyable for me, great post! #thelibrariansfv #TannerMindrum
blondiepumper
February 22, 2015
So true. I have 2 sons, one loves sports, the other hates them. The one that loves sports throws himself into playing soccer and baseball for recreation teams in the most difficult positions because it makes him feel in control. (goalie and catcher, respectively) I do hate that some parents put their kids who have all kinds of extra training in with boys like mine. Then those boys pick on my son, instead of trying to help him sharpen his skills.Just my 2 cents
Manfaat Tomat
March 10, 2016
Right away I am going to do my breakfast, once having my breakfast coming yet again to read additional news.