Parenting advice: 18 things Google thinks I know

Welcome to this week’s instalment of WTF Wednesday, where we treat others as we wish to be treated ourselves: we never ask others what they were doing last night between 11:00 p.m. and roughly 2:00 a.m.

I’m still travelling in a land far, far away this week. My Internet access consists of a rock on which I sit outside a building with unprotected (and really, really slow) wireless. Needless to say, I’m not online all that often these days. I know I owe you folks for replies to comments and I promise I’ll read every one soon. I’ll be better connected next week and am looking forward to catching up.

In the mean time, I’m giving you a cartoon that I did just before I left, scanned and brought it with me. It has nothing to do with today’s WTF Wednesday question(s), but you’ll just have to deal with it.

Today’s questions come from my blog’s analytics page, which tells me what search terms people used that led them to I’ve Become My Parents. People ask Google lots of questions and Google thinks IBMP has the answers, which just goes to show you that Google isn’t nearly as smart as people think. Here are 18 questions, all asked within the last week:

1.    Should you tell your parents you have been through puberty?

Definitely. Because the zits, moodiness, new bras (girls), Playboys under the bed (boys), constant talking and texting, boys circling around outside your bedroom window like gnats, and 2-hour stints locked in the bathroom just won’t scream it loud enough.

 2.    How to talk to pubescent boys

Carefully; they could explode at any minute.

3.    Helping your daughter through her first boyfriend

Teach her to say “It’s not you; it’s me.”

4.    Why do parents keep kids in diapers?

It was a while ago, but if I remember correctly, it was because we don’t like poop and piss all over our living room.

 5.    Fun things to do when you have two pain in the ass kids

Leave them with grandma and do whatever you want.

 6.    How to scare your parents

Offer to do the laundry; they’ll freak and call 911 to report that their child has been abducted and replaced with a look-alike.

 7.    Should teenagers wear diapers to school?

Sure, but only on public holidays when no one is around.

 8.    Should parents read twitter?

Yes, but only one feed: @IBecameMyDad.

 9.    How to get your dad to give the talk

For boys, tell your dad you think you just got your period and you’re worried that your uterus is broken.

 For girls, forget it; he’s too scared to even touch the subject. Dad’s talk will be this: “If one of your little bastard friends tries to lay a hand on you I’ll rip his head off.”  Better ask mom.

 10. Should parents creep on twitter?

Is there something else we could do on Twitter?

11. Do you become your parents?

Really? Do you not read anything on this blog?

 12. Do parents talk to your daughter’s boyfriends?

Communicate, yes; talk, no. We communicate lots of things using props like shot guns and baseball bats. We don’t really need to talk.

 13. How to talk to date’s parents

Lie.

 14. How to remove ear lobe hair

Just the normal act of lighting the barbecue usually does it for me.

 15. Should I diaper my kids for vacation?

No. You deserve a break from all that diaper changing. Best to leave the hotel room window open, though.

 16. Why do people name their kid Bernie?

Because there are already too many kids named Egbert.

 17. How to keep kids from interrupting

Keep the closet door locked from the outside.

 18. Does getting a dog prepare you for kids?

Totally. In fact, kids are way easier because they can’t chew through their leash like dogs can.

Problem solved! You’re welcome.