Another fresh batch of favorite tweets!

I hope everyone’s having a good weekend!

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that every once in a while I post a batch of tweets from the IBMP Twitter feed. You can follow it at @IBecameMyDad if you do the Twitter thing. If you don’t, well here’s a bit of what others with more time to waste are reading.

Cheers,

Barmy

On Random Thoughts

My 10yo son just held his pancake with the knife and cut it w/the fork. Maybe I should reinvest his college fund money.

I need food. I also need to lower my expectations because it still hasn’t miraculously shown up.

When I’m 80, if my pants come within 6 inches of my nipples you have permission to shoot me.

There’s a fine line between ambitious and just plain nuts. Time will tell what side of the line I’m on.

I should be sponsored by a can opener company.

Twitter, I lost a contact lens. If you find it, let me know. It’s small, clear and round. Thanks.

My son has once again informed me that he just won a game I didn’t know we were playing. Wow, he’s good!

I’ve spilled coffee on my computer so many times that it actually runs faster. #CaffeinatedComputersKickAss

Everything I know about intimacy I learned from Love American Style.

How should I feel when someone who calls themselves gluttonsforpunnishment follows my blog?

It’s a known fact that kids think better when they’re chewing gum. ~ My Son

All the King’s men are a bunch of hacks. The King’s horses are clearly the brains on the team.

I just yanked a 3 inch hair out of my earlobe. It’s over; I’m old.

Quick show of hands– how many people read all 46 pages of the iTunes Terms and Conditions before hitting Agree?  Yeah I didn’t either.

If the Air Canada baggage handlers go on strike, will that increase or decrease the likelihood that my bags will be lost?

I’m going to fly a kite during the solar storm. #risktaker

There’s nothing that screams, “Wake up, your kid’s going through puberty!” louder than a KEEP OUT! sign on his bedroom door.

I have two Twitter accounts. For one, Twitter recommends I follow @algore. For the other, it recommends @rickygervais.  #yupImschitzo

If I didn’t have to memorize 10,000 user names and passwords, I bet I could remember where the hell I park my car most days.

Yes, it’s true that Jesus has more followers than I do, but he’s got a 2,000-year head start. I’ve only been tweeting for 8 months.

My son: All Lamborghinis are faster than Ferraris. Me: How do you know? Him: Daaad, it’s something called the Internet.

Customers who bought “How to Pick Up Girls” also bought “Understanding The Low IQ/Genital Herpes Connection.”

If you gave up Leap Day for Lent, you’d be spiritually obligated to call today Friday and your boss couldn’t argue.

You know when your kid answers the phone and says “Daddy’s making a poopy right now, “ then hands you the phone? Well, yeah…

Stuck in my office waiting for a call. Don’t know what’s worse, that I need to pee or that my coffee cup’s empty.

Women are vastly underrepresented in prostate cancer research studies.

You silly, silly people. Go ahead and observe Leap Day, but in 20 years when I’m 5 days ahead of you all, I’ll be the one laughing.

I keep forgetting that in the US people still have “stances” on climate change.

I don’t celebrate Leap Day so I’m taking the day off.

I need an expert in Domestic Extractions to remove artwork that came home from school and old toys without my son finding out.

Studies show that people who check someone’s follower count b 4 engaging with them on Twitter are more likely to have genital herpes.

I tried #WordlessWednesday but I found myself at a loss for pictures. (Twitter joke)

Don’t ask me for recipes. I’m the kind of cook who, upon learning that you can’t stick the can in the microwave, eats his dinners cold.

I’d totally do electroshock therapy but the Dr says it could negatively interact with my lobotomy.

Dammit, it’s noon and I’m still not rich.

If the Academy had seen me in that last meeting, I’d have got an Oscar for Best Portrayal of an Awake Person.

My son just learned how to make coffee. My parenting goals are complete.

Yup, I can function without coffee. So can a cockroach; but at least they have the good sense not to operate dangerous machinery.

If banks really knew their customers, this is the account they’d offer me: https://ivebecomemydad.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/future-therapy-account.jpg

On search terms used to find I’ve Become My Parents

Someone searched “moron chicken” and Google sent them to my blog. I’m offended because, relative to most chickens, I’m pretty smart.

Person who found my blog searching “what’s more fun than playing with your kids?”: Making them was pretty fun.

Someone searched “proof of alternate dimensions” and Google pointed to the  I’ve Become My Parents blog.  Physicists take note.  #physics

Person who fnd my blog searching “considerations B4 having sex”: Is he/she the kind of person that looks that up online? Then don’t.

Person who found my blog searching “how to talk to a date’s parents”: I recommend doing it from a distance.