Fresh batch of favorite IBMP funny tweets!

Posted on February 11, 2012


Will work for peanuts
It’s time once again to give a second life to some of my favorite tweets over the last few weeks.

Remember, if you’re still trying to make sense of all this twitterishness, you can pop over here for a quick primer on how to read a tweet.

Hope you like today’s batch!

On random thoughts

Why is it so important that the ride come to both a full and complete stop? I would have been content with either, really.

If I don’t have a Dickens inside me, does that mean I can’t get scared?

Would somebody tell my son that yes, all the other kids DO give their dads nightly foot massages?

I’m not failing; I’m lowering the bar such that others may experience the joy of reaching it.

OK, off to my annual visit to the gym during which I swear that this time I’ll do it more often.

Finally a job that meets my high expectations!

I’m practicing the moonwalk in anticipation of Newt’s second term. I hope they have good DJs in space.

Dr says to cut back on caffeine, alcohol, spicy foods, big meals, chocolate and stress. Only 1 of those I can control. So I’ll quit work.

My son’s response to my advice on girls: “How do you know this stuff–you never had a girlfriend until you were like 40 or something.”

If Prometheus hadn’t angered Zeus, women wouldn’t have been created and daddy bloggers would rule the Internet. #littleknownfact

My dog has such bad gas even HE can’t spend much time with his head down there.

Google is to information as the microwave is to food: you can have it quickly but it may be a bit inconsistent and tasteless.

My dog. Hands-down. RT @DKLblog: Parents with more than one child: Do you have a favorite? Be honest.

I don’t shy away from controversy. I’ll give you my opinion regardless of how many nasty letters I throw away unopened as a result.

Penguin jokes are demeaning to tuxedo makers and should be stopped.

It’s not that I’m one of THOSE parents, but I helped my son rig his Kub Kar with a nitro engine.

My 10yo: “Dad, be a dear and get me some cheese.” Um, no.

I think I’ve got a Macarena/Chicken Dance mashup going on in my head…may just implode.

My son, angry: “Darn it, I CAN’T run away.” Me: “Why not?” Him: The babysitter’s coming tonight and I don’t want him to not get paid.’

As a Jew, I’m honored that the one word we’ve contributed to the Twitter lexicon is “kvetch.”

If they can make self-cleaning ovens why can’t they make self-cleaning diapers? Where are all our geniuses?

I don’t understand how curling can be an Olympic sport but drinking can’t.

When did the Discovery Channel become the All-Stupid-People-All-The-Time Channel?

If someone gives you a hard time breastfeeding in public, pull out a giant penis-shaped bottle and start using that.

On Groundhog Day

 Groundhogs only work one day a year. How sweet is that?

My dog woke up and saw his shadow yesterday. He’s going to lick his balls for another 6 weeks.

I’m taking donations for the Society for Blind Groundhogs. Poor guys can’t get honest work.

Saw my shadow this morning. Going back to bed. Wake me in 6 weeks.

On search terms used to find this blog

Someone found IBMP searching “i like to help my parents about the house,” followed by some Russian word that I assume means “I’m full of crap”

Person who found my blog searching “handsome gene”: Sorry, but mine’s non-transferable. Besides, I think it’s kind of broken…

Person who found my blog searching “kids love you unconditionally”: Let me guess, yours is under 8yo…give it some time.





Posted in: Tweets