It’s not my fault that you take no responsibility

OK son, it’s time to take some responsibility for your actions.

You say it so often it’s become a single word: itsnotmyfault.

Well guess what: that’s actually five words.

Let me break it down for you:

it    n. The thing I’m pissed about.

is    v. Short for “is the opposite of what you’re telling me.”

not    adv. A word you use to deny reality.

my    adj. A word usually associated with stuff you want, as in, “Hey, that’s my cake,” or stuff you refuse to accept responsibility for, as in, “It wasn’t my ball that broke the window.”

fault    n. One of the few things you’re willing to give away without expecting something in return.

Just once I want you hear you say, “sorryitsmyfault.”

Just once.

You’ve always got excuses for why nothing is your fault:

The dog pushed me.

The stupid video game is broken. That’s why I keep losing.

I couldn’t turn in my homework because you didn’t put it in my backpack.

Everybody else’s clocks are wrong.

It wasn’t broken when I was playing with it.

Well you shouldn’t have put your computer on the table where someone could jump up on it and knock it off.

Well the teacher’s wrong.

I didn’t forget; you didn’t remind me.

But I think the most interesting excuse came in the form of a diagram you presented Mom and me after forgetting to return a book you borrowed:

Oh, I get it: nothing’s your fault because, as it turns out, you have no brain. Now, I’m not saying that’s a bad excuse—it certainly could explain quite a lot. But there are a just few holes in that logic so forgive me if I don’t accept it.

You do forget a lot of stuff but I’m pretty sure there’s a brain in there. In fact, it’s a damn good one.  You’d be better off using your brilliance as an excuse for forgetting stuff. I bet Einstein couldn’t remember his own address. That’s because he was so busy figuring out what the hell equals MC² that wasting his brainpower on remembering his address just seemed kind of silly.

You and Einstein actually have a lot in common: messy hair, ability to ride a bike, you’ve both used chalkboards, and you forget stuff a lot. But Einstein was smart enough to know he should write reminders down somewhere. You just blame it on someone else when you forget.

If you doubt that I truly have experience in this area, let me show you the first self-portrait that I ever drew:

Yup, that’s me. Good thing I’m not better at drawing or my anonymity would be compromised.

Look, you’re absent-minded. More accurately, you’re 10 year-old-minded.  I should know–I’ve been told I am too. But dude, take some responsibility for yourself. I did: I hired an assistant to remember stuff so I wouldn’t have too. Then I could say, “It’s totally my fault; I hired a bad assistant.” See? That’s called taking responsibility.

If you want even more proof that you’ve got no monopoly on forgetfulness, here’s the first post I ever did on this blog: I’m not a stoner but I play one in real life.