Welcome to the eighth instalment of WTF Wednesday, where I have have a blog and that makes me qualified to answer your questions.
Today’s question comes via Twitter from John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) at Daddy’s in Charge? and was seconded by Scott (@ThisDaddys_Blog) from This Daddy’s Blog who write:
Dear IBMP,
Is there a way to get your son to pee in the center of the toilet and not all over the seat and nearby wall? I blame my wife.
OK, just to be clear, I think if there’s an expert in the house that should be teaching your son to pee properly, it’s probably the parent with the penis, so I wouldn’t be blaming the wife for this one.
I have no idea how single mothers handle this one but there are adult toy stores that carry products mothers can use for teaching purposes.
Now, in our home we’ve avoided this problem entirely by not letting our son know that standing is even an option. Today, at 10 years old he still thinks there’s an automatic valve that shuts off as soon as boys stand up. The only real issue it has caused is explaining what those funny bowl-shaped things on the wall in the public men’s room are for. The first time he washed his hands in the urinal was a bit awkward for sure.
Clearly, you’ve chosen to tell your son he can pee standing up so we’ll make the best of that.
I’m guessing that you’ve tried the obvious things like floating a target in the toilet. That never works; it’s just way too much fun to pee on the wall. You need to get serious so let’s not mess around. Here’s your solution:
The trick is to create an electrified perimeter around the toilet bowl. In most cases, that stream of pee need only stray into that perimeter once and your son will be fully cured. Or cauterized. Maybe both. Either way, you won’t have any more pee on the wall.
Problem solved. You’re welcome!
Oh, and by the way, make sure you turn the thing off before your wife stumbles into the bathroom in the morning and sits down. I think she’d appreciate it.
Got a question? Fire away in the comments section.
I've become my parents 
Jen
November 23, 2011
LOL excellent advice! If I ever have boys they will NEVER know that weeing standing up is an option, and if they get bullied later in life for washing their hands in urinals… well I guess that’s just character building! xx
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 23, 2011
Just don’t tell them it was my idea, ‘kay?
Chirp and Flutter
November 23, 2011
LOL! Yes, as a single mother, teaching the ONE boy in my house to pee standiing up AND teaching him to not pee on the seat, wall, floor, trash basket, or shower curtain (etc..) has been a struggle for the past 4 years! It did help, when he was in a rush to sit down and poop, that he sat down on a cold, wet, pee covered seat and realized it was his own pee! LOL
But whatever you do, (question asker) DO NOT blame the wife! She has enough blame put on her for other things! Plus she is most likely still having to wipe the stinky, pooh butt of said boy… so lay off! 😉
You are a genius my man! I love your blog! Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 23, 2011
Thanks, Ms. and Flutter! I should probably point out that it doesn’t really get any better as they get older; the scale just increases. Sorry. 😉
Floor drains are always an option…
Daddy's in Charge
November 23, 2011
I never knew it could be so easy! Thank you! As far as them standing up though, it’s a must. How else would they be able to write their names in the snow? Duh. Also on long car trips the lack of needing to sit down really comes in handy, althoughi don’t like it when they pee on the cars tires. As for the electric perimeter, I might just leave it, that would be pretty funny to see.
Great advice as usual doctor, I mean blogger, whatever same thing!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 23, 2011
Thanks for your question, sir. It obviously resonated well with other PoPPs (Parents of People with Penises).
We solved the car problem with an old college party device: the beer bong. A funnel with a tube lets him remain seated and we don’t even have to stop. We just crack the door a bit and let the tube hang out. Sucks to be the car behind us, though…
Shelomita
November 23, 2011
LOL! That’s a good idea…need to try that one!
whatimeant2say
November 23, 2011
Great advice. I almost wish I had a son so I could try it out!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 23, 2011
Wanna borrow one for a while?
Danielle
November 23, 2011
Wow…I could have used this advice 2 boys ago. I was a single mother of a boy, I don’t remember HOW I did it, Must have been THAT devastating. YIKES!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 23, 2011
Blanked that experience right out, eh? I get it. Thanks for reading, Danielle!
Lorna's Voice
November 23, 2011
My babysitter taught my son this fine art. All I had to do was reinforce it. I am a blessed woman.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 23, 2011
I hope you paid that sitter really well. In fact, there are a few people reading this blog that would love their number!
Amberr Meadows
November 23, 2011
Hilarious. Unfortunately, I think my nephew won’t ever get it. His dad promotes him peeing on any outdoor surface that men like to use. Glad I have a girl. 🙂
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 23, 2011
I likes myself a good fire hydrant personally 🙂
worrywarts-guide-to-weight-sex-and-marriage
November 23, 2011
Another great post. Honestly, if it were not for WTF Wednesday, I wouldn’t know what day it is. I’m sure you have received a zillion Versatile Blogger awards in the past, but I payed forward another one to you. Love your blog!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 23, 2011
Thanks for that! You’ve made my day! 🙂
lrorschach
November 23, 2011
Any solutions to the kid that poops on the floor and hides it under the carpet? As a nanny, I’m still haunted/trying to solve that one.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 23, 2011
Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew. Really? He does that? Ew. I say charge an extra $500 every day it happens and the kid’s folks will probably find a way to solve it for you.
GOF
November 23, 2011
Superb advice. Electric fence energizers have a multitude of uses including the one you suggest and should be more widely used.
(I think the Mythbusters actually did an experiment to test the result of peeing on electric train tracks…..result; the flow apparently breaks up mid-stream so no conductivity……..I have no idea why I thought you needed to know that.) 🙂
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 23, 2011
That’s good information. Everyone finds himself in a train station desperate for a pee at one point or another. Thanks for that! 😉
EduDad
November 23, 2011
Reminds me of that Ren and Stimpy episode. http://youtu.be/_wW6rENTfaU
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 23, 2011
Ha! Haven’t seen those guys in a long time 🙂 Thanks for passing that on my friend.
ptigris213
November 27, 2011
Obviously, you folks all live in the city. All a boy needs to do is pee on an electric fence (the one that keeps the horses and cows in) once to never, ever pee without aiming again.
Just put a hot wire up around the toilet. You can even get the ones that have portable controllers. Just put the wire up around the toilet, plug in the controller and voil a’, your boy will
learn to put the pee in the potty. It only takes one solid zap…………
Of course, the females in the family will have to disconnect it first……….
There’s another benefit: if you have a dog that pees on your furniture, the hot wire will work on him, too.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 27, 2011
Great advice from a professional! Although, our city-dwelling dog doesn’t seem to have a pee on the furniture problem. Maybe it’s just a country dog thing 😉
Thanks so much for your contribution to solving the potty problems of IBMP readers!