Spam. We’ve all heard of it. Email spam, text spam, Twitter spam, spam and eggs. Spam, in most cases, is just plain annoying. Remember FAX spam?
But maybe we’re thinking of it the wrong way. Have you ever stopped to read the spam those robots worked so hard to prepare for you? Well, I do and I’m glad. Here’s why:
It’s been an awesome 6 months so far, thanks to the IBMP readers. The blog is growing and getting more recognition. One important group whose attention IBMP has captured is known as the Comment Spammers. What is comment spam? If you have a blog you know these guys: they clog up our reader comments with ads disguised (poorly) as compliments. They’re hoping you’ll be so thrilled by the awesome review of your blog that you’ll click on the link they so conveniently supply and then, still drunk on the sweet antifreeze of their complimentary comment, you’ll want to give them your credit card to purchase some crap that you’ll probably never receive.
Most of the time our spam checkers catch them before they go live so readers don’t get to see them, which in some ways is a shame because they’re usually so lame that they’re pretty funny.
But some day, sooner rather than later, I want to sell the IBMP book, and one thing agents and editors love to see is strong critical acclaim for the work. So I now temporarily shed my charming, really sexy and truly genuine modesty in order to let these comment spammers speak on my behalf.
Critics from around the world agree:
I’ve Become My Parents is the Comment Spammers’ smash hit of the century!
“Last many days I am searching some good article and I am very glad to find your article. This is very essential and informative information for me. I would like to say your post is superb and relevant my topics. “ — MLM Software India
——–
Choottdon raves:
“Customers that are scout’s honour agitated here speeds that a viewer can discern their locale, necessary to consider how self-indulgent the servers are.”
Translation: “Wow, IBMP is totally awesome. While I’m usually completely self-indulgent, I’d love to be your server. Scout’s honour.”
——–
“friend i find your blog very informative.” –— MLM SOFTWARE NOIDA
“Различные торренты, игры, музыка, фильмы.. [url=http://r-torrent.ru/] торрент скачать наша раша 5 сезон” — Telotweft
(OK, we don’t exactly know what that means but we’re pretty sure it says, “Try the olives, they’re fresh off the trees. Oh, and IBMP is good.”)
———
ugg boots sales says:
“This is a truly good study for me, Must admit that you are 1 of 1 of the right bloggers I actually saw.”
——–
“Good write-up” — P2P4U Man United
“Hi this is kind of of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors” — Riots
“That is my first post on this board. I would be happy if somebody could help me with that issue.” — MoodyMadleine
——–
How the gods behave with their power proves their moral vacancy:::Monkey see monkey do calls IBMP:
“The Meaning of Life”
——–
“An Good post with nice ideas.” — promotional company gifts
“I was looking around for a long time for something that would probably fit the bill and it took me a while yet today I count on communicating with those who find themselves like-minded.” — michellep6i1
“Welcome everyone.” — MoodyMadleine
“I just found http://www.bloggerfather.com by suddenly dropping by online, and found it is so sweet. Keep up the great work!” — tutoringsg
(OK, so that’s not IBMP, but I’m sure they feel the same about IBMP.)
——–
…and See Justin and Selina nude Video exclaims:
“Justin Bieber and Selena tit poped out you can see this @ my web site”
——–
With critical acclaim like that, who wouldn’t want to publish I’ve Become My Parents, purchase the film and TV rights, action figures, line of children’s underwear, bobble heads, snow blowers, Lego series, IBMP Easy Bake Oven, bottle openers, multi-vitamins, doggie sweaters, haemorrhoid cream, electric garage door openers, fireplace sweepers, and Toddler Tantrum Emergency Kits?
OK, I may be getting a bit ahead of myself; I don’t even have the doggie sweaters designed yet.
Fellow bloggers, feel free to provide some examples of critical acclaim for your blogs below. I’m guessing that I’m not the only one the spammers like…
BrainRants
November 10, 2011
You and I have the same review panels.
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
I bet they like you too. Nice folks, really.
Thomas Stazyk
November 10, 2011
Hotfemaletennisplayer sent me this rave review:
William Orville Douglas~ Literature should not be surpressed merely because it affects the moral code of the censor.
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
Gotta love the “if I send this guy a rant about my philosophical bent I’m sure he’ll want to read and will certainly agree.” spam!
kroessman
November 10, 2011
You am so amazing … site is awesomes super magnificent! Penis enlargement, baby Jesus bless your marriage. Seriously though, this blog has fast become one of my favorites, since I started reading when you were recently freshly pressed … I now get the daily emails when you post, so I can show the articles off at work and annoy my coworkers. Right on!
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
Haha! I want nothing more than to be the reason people annoy the hell out of their coworkers! That made my day. Thanks!
philosophermouseofthehedge
November 10, 2011
Funny blog. May the fort be with you.
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
Unfortunately the fort is crumbling out in the backyard due to significant neglect. It’ll still be with me, but in a state much closer to it’s original molecular form…
worrywarts-guide-to-weight-sex-and-marriage
November 10, 2011
I haven’t had any comment spam, but I’ve had some pretty weird searches end up at my blog. Today’s were “eyeglass dispensers,” “fat woman killed,” and “fullsexgirlsanddoog.” Not quite sure what a doog is.
Love your creativity and fresh ideas.
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
Thanks for sharing that! I’m pretty sure a doog is something that has full sex with girls. I’ll do some internet research just in case. If my wife asks, can I tell her it’s not for me, I’m helping a friend?
worrywarts-guide-to-weight-sex-and-marriage
November 10, 2011
That made me laugh! 🙂
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
Glad it did. 🙂
Holly Jahangiri
November 10, 2011
kroessman’s comment was way more amusing than most of the spam I’ve read, but it IS fodder for the creative (and snarky) writer. This is wonderful – truly. Can I be your agent?
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
Hehe. Sure, Holly. Send me something to sign, ‘kay?
I got a kick out of kroessman’s comment as well.
Thanks!
davidwallacefleming
November 10, 2011
I thought that all these comments in my queue were just sincere fans… I’m going to have to revaluate things. Hmmmm.
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
Yeah, um, sorry dude. Maybe in your case they they are, though. Maybe I just pissed off 15 really sincere people. And with my luck, they probably were just getting ready to offer me heaps of money just from the goodness of their hearts. Figures.
Thanks for reading!
Daddy's in Charge?
November 10, 2011
You funny man. Me like. I’ve got deal for you at daddysincharge.com
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
I just emailed you my credit card information. Figured it was easier than going all the way over to your site. Hope that’s OK.
sharkables
November 10, 2011
Oh, I can’t wait for the day when my pithy writings bring me hordes of adoring spammers… isn’t that the sign that you’ve made it?
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
I’ll know I’ve made it when my spammers are getting spam. No, wait. That doesn’t make sense.
Anyway, be careful what you wish for 😉
lifeloveandbaby
November 10, 2011
This by far was my favorite! I’m too new to get spammed yet – but now I have something to look forward to!
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
I’m sure someone out there would just love to send you some quality spam. Shall I give my spammers your contact info? 😉
Lorna's Voice
November 10, 2011
These guys (robots) get around. I have a cadre of similar spam comments. I keep them just for a chuckle. Funny post, but I don’t think robots have our sense of humor, so I think they’ll keep it up. 😉
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
Can’t we send some humor bots out into webville to disarm the spambots? Must be some way to do that…
Richard Monroe
November 10, 2011
I’m very interested to know if you got any spam from pharmaceuticals companies on your last post since you mentioned xanax. Something like, “love your blog, your kids sound horrible, cheap xanax here”.
cheers
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
Haha! Funny, but I didn’t. Usually if you tweet stuff like that the bots come from every corner of the twitterverse. Hey, wait a minute…you’re a pharmaspambot aren’t you? 😉
Thanks for coming by, sir!
katie
November 10, 2011
Wait…you’re saying there *isn’t* a group of “newly english learning” fans of my blog??
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
Oh, no, no, no…that’s not what I’m saying. No, for YOUR blog, they’re totally genuine. It’s only my blog where they’re faking it. Really. Sure. Right.
dcmcmillen
November 10, 2011
Wow. A treasure trove of rave reviews. And like a sucker I got my family and friends to write reviews for me. *smacks forehead*
Um. I did fully disclose that my book reviews were written by friends and family. http://dcmcmillen.com/2011/08/21/totally-biased-reviews-of-the-nauti-lust-series/
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
That’s OK. 75% of my commenters are people my mom paid to say good things about the blog. The other 25% are the spammers that want to get paid after saying nice things about my blog.
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
This spammer comment just came in from one of my regulars: Mini Ugg Boots
We bear in mind such as Im continuously looking through cause of inviting items to pore more than near by numerous subjects, however i be successful to include your install amongst my scans each and every life time since you provide birth to persuasive entries that I look on in order to.
Daddy's in Charge?
November 10, 2011
Please explain what language that was.
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
It’s code. I could tell you but then I’d have to kill you.
kroessman
November 13, 2011
TRANSLATION: Please understand … I am always looking for things to think about, across the spectrum of human thought. However, I can only be successful if I include your site amongst the many sites I read each week, since you are way smarter than I and therefore obviously think of better stuff than I would have.
Hope that helps … I have a Masters in Idiot Languages 😉
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 16, 2011
Dude, you’re a genius! I’ve got a bunch more for you to translate if you ever got bored.
…just wondering…can you translate 10 year-old as well? Cause I’d pay serious buckage to find someone to help me make sense of my kid!
Brenna
November 10, 2011
I’ve only gotten one of those and I deleted it. I was clearly not as forward thinking as you are. Damn.
I've Become My Parents
November 10, 2011
The good news is that you’re likely to get a lot more!
Kate Policani
November 10, 2011
You are my favorite blogger of the day! Awesome!
I've Become My Parents
November 11, 2011
Well, that makes you my favorite commenter of the day! Thanks!
Tara Fly
November 10, 2011
HAHAHA!!! I love me some spam! I wrote a similar blog post last month about the contents of my spam folder:
http://taraflyart.com/2011/09/regency-cat-art-spam-comments-seo/
Have you ever received the sales pitch for Convention Ovens (suffering from synonym replacement syndrome) that brags about “occult followers” and “gangly meat”???
OMG If you haven’t read it yet, I’m warning you…. it’s a keeper! You might want to hang a poster of it on your wall. 😛
I’ve actually written alternate lyrics to “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” using sentances and phrases from the oven spam. I’m trying to summon the courage to record myself singing it, and post it on YouTube.
Perhaps I’ll just post the lyrics instead, with an online karaoke link, and let everyone else sing it for me! 😛
I've Become My Parents
November 11, 2011
Awesome post! Thanks for sharing it. I’m bummed that I haven’t received the Convention Ovens spam. I could totally do with some gangly meat comments.
So…are you going to share your lyrics with us? Well, are you?
Thanks for coming by Tara!
Tara Fly
November 11, 2011
Hahaha! Okay… I promise to post my version of the Convection Oven spam on the blog this weekend. (There are hundreds of variations floating around, thanks to aforementioned synonym tool!)
And I just might post the lyrics, too, and let everyone take a crack at it. 😉
Thanks for reading ~ I just love your blog! =^,,^=
I've Become My Parents
November 12, 2011
Looking forward to it!
Tara Fly
November 14, 2011
Alrighty… you asked for it. I’ve finally posted my Spam Christmas Carol lyrics – and me singing them!… but without the video of me wearing a reindeer nightgown. I know you’ll survive the disappointment. 😛 Cheers!
http://taraflyart.com/2011/11/reasons-not-to-sing-christmas-carols-in-november/
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 16, 2011
It’s a new Holiday Classic! A must-see this holiday season!
Shame about the reindeer nightgown, though. Maybe you’ll do it for the 3D boxed set Director’s Cut edition. 🙂
Daddacool (@daddacool)
November 10, 2011
The very best piece of spam I’ve ever had, cut and paste for you to strive to receive the like of:
“I am glad to be a visitant of this sodding blog ! , regards for this rare information! .” -Brady Spaeth, who from the url appears to be into urban fashion retail.
I've Become My Parents
November 11, 2011
I don’t seem to ever get visitants. And, while no doubt many have mumbled “sodding blog” under their breath while reading it, I don’t remember anyone letting me know they felt that way in writing. I shall strive to attain the quality of comment spam that you, sir, have so admirably achieved!
Phil
November 11, 2011
*sigh*
I still feel foolish for being excited about receiving raving comments before our blog even went live. “Wow!” I thought, “think of all the comments we’ll receive once we’re up and running.
…and with that being said, many thanks a lot for that vital. It involved a long time to get this fabulous website. Take a look at to be a dummy over the internet relating to trying to find items on bing. Anyhow added this site and so a simplier and easier with regard to so when. With thanks Grimy Have a discussion Examples.
[paste and copy rules]
I've Become My Parents
November 11, 2011
Oh, no, that one was totally legit. Not spam at all. You were right to be excited about getting this. Um, whatever it says….
Thanks for sharing it. Truly a classic bit of comment spam!
lovethebadguy
November 11, 2011
Haha! Brilliant.
And I agree, IBMP is “An Good post.” 😉
I've Become My Parents
November 11, 2011
I happy that you writing that on me.
lovethebadguy
November 13, 2011
In other news, I have left you an award over at my blog! 😉
http://lovethebadguy.wordpress.com/2011/11/14/7×749-and-an-award/
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 16, 2011
Whoa! I’m Honored! Thanks for that 🙂
Woohoo!
ldsrr91
November 11, 2011
AH NUTS! Just this week (Monday) I had started a file with this very same idea (gathering spam comments and writing an article on them) and today I come across this and find out that I am late coming to the party again.
Nice work. I will have to try something else, maybe on all the weird tag searches I get on a daily basis? You certainly have covered the bases on this one.
Thanks
LDS
I've Become My Parents
November 11, 2011
Thanks, LDS. I say do your article anyway. Plenty of room for comment spam fun!
And definitely do the tag one!
Heather Monica
November 11, 2011
One spam comment I got practically gave me a heart attack. It was nonsensical, and pointless… but not full of websites and code like they usually are…. and it was anonymous. immediately my hypochondriac brain started spinning a tale of an anonymous agoraphobic reader, alone with their 15 cats, at 2:30am, reading about my two sons fighting with glue traps and laughed so hard they suffered from a stroke and in their increasing delirium tried to post a comment only to send a message that resembled “a fortnight of algorithms, we disparage beneath kumquat alone timing.” dont quote me, it was wicked random…but yeah, Mamma no likey spam.
I've Become My Parents
November 11, 2011
Oh, that was me. I was drunk. Sorry about that. 🙂
Mary the OINKteller
November 11, 2011
hi-larious! Thanks for the laugh! I am very grateful for askimet.
I've Become My Parents
November 11, 2011
Handy little bit of software it is! Thanks.
Ta-Da
November 11, 2011
Most of the comments I get on my blog are spam anyway. Have a tough time figuring out who’s real and who’s a Bot. Give me the strength!
Great piece.
I've Become My Parents
November 12, 2011
Well if it’s from somebody that has Ugg boots in their name, you can bet they’re spammers. But then, who cares, really? I like to email my spammers’ comments to myself, and around the holidays, I like to pretend they’re sending me cards. I print their avatars out and place them on chairs around the table and we have tea parties and laugh for hours. They may be spam, but they’re MY spam! Is that weird?
Tara Fly
November 13, 2011
Tea party spammers! Awesome!
Have you also imported their e-mail addresses into your phone contact list yet? Of course they are your friends! ;D
P. J. Casselman
November 12, 2011
Here’s a comment spammer I enjoyed– I really likes your book Angel Blood: Family Secrets. Is so good your book. I also wrote a book and you should like it because it is about Angels too. (Actually my novel is about pre- King Arthur England around ACE 460 and Nephalim, but whatever…) My book you find here…..Then he posted a website that was a browser highjack attempt. Oh you naughty spammer, you!
I've Become My Parents
November 12, 2011
Nasty trick. A funny attempt, though. By the way, I totally likes the part of your book where the Angels are bleeding and that family had secrets. Best part 😉
Stoopmama
November 12, 2011
I LOVE reading my spam comments. For me, they’re always trying to hawk some Uggs.
I've Become My Parents
November 12, 2011
YES! I swear 80% of my spam is Ugg boot related. Is there some weird connection there?
dojo
November 13, 2011
My way to deal with these freaks:
1. akismet
2. author must have a previously approved comment – this means you’ll be ‘moderated’ after the first comment. Then you’ll have it published instantly. If a comment has even 1 link, it goes into moderation.
3. no deep linking. You can promote your blog’s link, not a separate page.
4. each comment is read, post idiotic comments and you’ll have none published.
5. wp-ban for those who are too insistent 😀
Joy Parker
November 15, 2011
I loved this blog and your outstanding examples of the ridiculous, deliciously senseless, you’ve-got-to-be-kidding, and ungrammatical stuff you’ve found in your spam box. I’m always in the mood for a good laugh. You make me proud to have received spam myself on WordPress.
I was hoping that you had your eye on making these blogs into a book someday. I think you’re an amazing humorist and could have a hit there. Good luck!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 16, 2011
Thanks, Joy! Your comment made my day!
I’m preparing to query the book within the next two weeks! Just doing final revisions. Fingers crossed…
P.S.Remesh Chandran
November 18, 2011
Advertisements noted as spam, I think, do not harm us anyway. They just want a link to published in an article. It is in very badly written articles that they have any kind of scope and attention. When we get bored after going through the article, or even by just glancing at the article, we will consider about clicking the link just to see what is in there. In a very good article, especially when it is well written, the whole attention of the reader or viewer would be turned to the subject matter, and if he is delighted at what he or she has just read, will turn to finding out what other good pages the author has published. Most often, these comments come from small establishments and organizations, down and low in business. Sometimes they may be the S.O.S. from them, the last messages before winding up or suiciding. So please help them. They are not the organizations with huge amounts of money whose advertisements frequent the News Papers, Magazines, Television Channels and the Internet. So give them a chance, provided there is proof in their comments that they have at least gone through the articles. Personally, I take a benign attitude and allow them space to live. We have nothing to loose except patience.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 18, 2011
I’m not so sure of that. No doubt, some are simply trying to get the word out the only way they can but I would expect them to at least demonstrate that they’ve read my post. If someone wants me to read something they’ve written or look at a product they have for sale, then they should show me that respect. Clearly, none of the spammers on this post have read my blog.
More significantly, however, is the danger associated with clicking on some of these links. Many are not products or businesses at all, but are malicious sites that can load spyware, attempt to take over your browser, steal personal information, etc. Anyone who sends me an unsolicited link and clearly has no interest in the post that they are supposedly commenting on will NEVER get a click from me. Nor will I expose my readers to such dangers by leaving those links on my site.
Lastly, if the major search engines identify a link on your site as malicious, your site will be tagged and you may lose much of your traffic. It’s not a chance anyone should take.
sitebrains11
November 18, 2011
Some spam comments can give you a computer virus if you click on the links they leave behind… Try out the SiteBrains interactive spam blocker for your blog and you won’t have to deal with comment spam. You can add it to your WordPress blog in less than 2 minutes; http://wordpress.org/extend/plugins/sitebrains-1/
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 18, 2011
Wait, is that spam blocker spam? That’s strangely cool, really. A good example of a relevant link left in a comment. And look, I’ve left it in!
Thanks.
sitebrains11
November 18, 2011
Hi Barmy,
I guess its all about how you look at it… I don’t think the message was spam because:
1) Not exactly commercial – we don’t sell anything, we give our plugin away for free
2) Definitely relevant. We’re here to fight spam.
I appreciate you keeping up my comment and hope that links will help out your readers! It’s to our WordPress.org plugin page, so it should be safe 🙂
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 18, 2011
Agreed. Always happy to support the spamwar. Keep up the good fight, my friend!
Tara Fly
November 18, 2011
OMG! I’m jealous! You have anti-spam spammers courting your blog too. I’m curious if the plug-in would have blocked his message?
But I guess that’s the whole point, eh? If his message gets through, you need his plug-in. Brilliant! ROFL
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
November 18, 2011
It’s complex in the simplest way possible. Can’t go wrong.
Thanks for coming by Tara!
seo
January 31, 2012
My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find nearly all of your post’s to be exactly I’m looking for. can you offer guest writers to write content for you personally? I wouldn’t mind publishing a post or elaborating on many of the subjects you write in relation to here. Again, awesome blog!
P. J. Casselman
January 31, 2012
As real person, me want say now LOL and good stuff around you post. 😛 Funny, but true!
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