6 important considerations before you start to procreate

Posted on November 1, 2011


They don't really mean it


Welcome to the fifth instalment of WTF Wednesday where there are no stupid questions. I can’t make the same promise about the answers, however.

Today’s question comes from an anonymous person, via one of the search engines, who writes:

Dear IBMP,

What are the things to be considered to be a parent?

It’s great that you’re thinking ahead, Anonymous. The only problem with it is that you have time to realize what you’d be getting into. If we all took the time to think about it before breeding, our species would likely go extinct within a few generations. But you asked and it’s my obligation as a highly qualified expert-like person to help.

I’ve listed 6 important considerations below. That’s the most I can do without charging.

Consideration 1: Take a good long look at that person. Do you really want to have sex with them?

Sure you could adopt or, if you’re a celebrity, you can get one of those designer kids from some underdeveloped country. But the majority of parents still do it the old fashioned way. You did know you’d have to do that, right?

Consideration 2: Have you done the math?

Timing is critical. This is something that surprisingly few people really consider prior to getting to work on a new critter. A large number of children, for example are born approximately 9 months after college spring break. I don’t know why. But that pops them out in December or January, which is a crappy time to be born.

Consideration 3: How much cash do you have? You’ll need more.

New parents frequently find themselves coming home with their new little poop machine and panicking when they realize that these things cost money. It starts with diapers, progresses to new clothes once a week, piano lessons, fixing the dents in the car, replacing broken furniture, college, bail payments, etc.

Consideration 4: How’s your tolerance for odor?

Being financially prepared is one thing, but what makes you gag? To test your preparedness, try pouring some fresh milk under the seat of your car on a warm day. Park it in the sun and return 5 hours later; take the car for a long drive with the windows up. If you can last more than 2 hours, you’re ready.

Consideration 5: How’s your tolerance for pain?

The most accurate test of readiness would be to lay a swath of Legos across a hardwood floor, strap a 30 pound weight on your back, take off your shoes and walk across your new Lego carpet. If you can make it from one end of the living room to the other with only G-rated outbursts, you’re ready.

Consideration 6: Do you like making the same request over and over to no avail?

Children come pre-programmed to ignore all parental requests until a specific set of conditions have been met. These include neck vein protrusion of a quarter inch or more, a parental decibel level of 180 or greater, and threats of significant punishment deemed highly credible by the child.

This is not an exhaustive list, but I’m exhausted making it. I’m sure that readers will have considerations of their own. Some of them are bloggers and that makes them highly qualified to give advice, whether solicited or not.

Good luck in your deliberations and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Problem solved. Glad I could help!

If you’ve got a question you want answered, leave it below or use the Contact page. Yours might just be next week’s WTF Wednesday question.