It’s just not as cute when it’s someone else’s kid’s snot

What do I do when dealing with a snotty sick kid who wants a hug? (Not your kid)

Kasia, we’ve all been there:

Dinner guests are over. You’re sitting in the living room after the meal and their 2 year old little angel toddles over, finger deeply planted in one nostril and a viscous strand of green, bacteria-laden snot trailing out of the other and tracing the kid’s track back a good 20 feet.  The free hand swipes across the unoccupied nostril layering a fresh coat of slime over an already thick green crust.  Hoping not to encourage her to come over, you do your best waiter impression and avoid eye contact at all costs. But she’s coming anyway. Her arms go wide. She smiles and two thick cords of snot stretch from upper to lower lip. Her parents think it’s just so cute that she wants a hug from their friend. You, on the other hand, are trying to remember whether you had your flu shot yet this year.

As with any dangerous situation, the best line of defense is to avoid getting into it in the first place. Clearly, you’ve already made a serious error; always try to avoid inviting friends with toddlers over for dinner without first determining the kid’s nasal status.

There are times, however, when peering through your friends’ windows to get a glimpse of a toddler’s face in order to determine whom to invite to dinner just isn’t practical. It’s for just this situation that I always keep a full-body hazardous materials protective suit on hand.

Now I know what you’re thinking: why would any self-respecting host want to wear such a cumbersome hazmat suit at a dinner party? Well, they wouldn’t. And that’s not what I’m suggesting. Get one for the kid. If it can keep all the crap out, it’ll keep all the crap in. And when it’s full, you just empty it and slap it back on.

There are other benefits as well. For instance, if you get the lead-lined version, the hazmat suit can totally slow down the average toddler. You can put them down at one end of the living room before dinner and by the time you finish dessert, they’ll have made it halfway across the room at best. It’s also a lot harder for the little devil to torture the dog.

Problem solved. I’m glad I could help!

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