Things you should know | I've become my parents

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Yardwork: there’s a gene for that. I just don’t have it.

August 31, 2011

Quick biology lesson: You know about genes – they’re the little bits of instructions that your body reads when it’s trying to figure out where the arms and legs go, which are the fingernails and which are the toenails, that kind of stuff.* Genes are also what we blame for our behavior any time that […]

Brand new batch of favorite tweets just posted!

August 26, 2011

There’s a brand-new batch of favorite tweets! Come and get it. Yup, it’s true and they’re right here. Find out what bug I wouldn’t be if given the choice… Learn why my son didn’t kill himself over his bedtime… And see how my first-of-its-kind tweet sponsorship went… (hint: it was short-lived) It’s all there on […]

Buck up and take it like a rabbit

August 24, 2011

There’s this term they taught us in psych 101. It’s called learned helplessness. Here’s how it works: if you stick a rabbit in a cage and electrify the floor, the little guy will freak out and jump, trying to avoid the pain. Do it again and he’ll freak out again. But if you do it […]

If you want to get away with it, work on the delivery

August 20, 2011

“With stealth and precision the beast struck from behind – its razor-sharp fangs glowing in the October night. My homework didn’t stand a chance…” “I’d kill myself but I’m not allowed to use knives.” I’m sorry if I started to laugh when you said that, son; I tried really hard to keep a straight face. […]

The janitor’s not a werewolf, and other things you’ve got all wrong

August 5, 2011

Look, son, the world is a confusing place. It’s hard to navigate it with only 10 years of experience under your belt. You’ve got commercials telling you one thing, parents telling you something else, and that kid in class that thinks he has an answer for everything. Who are you supposed to believe? Me. You’re supposed to believe […]

Guilt-tripping your way through parenting: learn from the masters

July 30, 2011

Son, you come from a long, proud line of guilt mongers. Us Jews have been purveyors of fine guilt for thousands of years. It’s one of our primary parenting techniques, and it’s a skill that certainly comes with your genes. This is basically how it works: rather than go through the trouble of teaching our […]