I gave a talk this week to a senior’s society. They were very nice people. Until someone pointed out that I’m only five years away from qualifying to join.
Bastard.
I’m not ready to be a senior citizen; my parents are senior citizens.
Statistically speaking, it’s likely that I’ve already lived over half of my life. There was a time when, if I wanted something bad enough, I could make it happen. There were no limits to the possibilities. I had the time, energy, optimism and a whole lifetime ahead of me to work on it. Mostly, though, I was too stupid to know my limitations. Dream it and I could make it happen.
It is strange now to know there are some things that, no matter how much I want to, I will never do before I die. It’s too late to become a fireman or an astronaut. I’ll never be an Olympic athlete, and my dream of running the Boston Marathon backwards while carrying a llama on my shoulders has been extinguished by the realization that I may never actually own a llama.
But I will get a discount at Denny’s in just five short years, so there’s that.
When I do enter the realm of seniority, I intend to do so riding a unicycle. It just seems like a good way to let seniority know I don’t take it seriously. I’ll ride in backwards, spinning around once or twice. Maybe I’ll juggle bowling pins at the same time. I’ll wave to all the other seniors with their walkers and canes as I wobble around on my one-wheeled party machine.
The truth is I’ve already started the metamorphosis from middle-aged to senior. I’m now frightfully far-sighted; I’ve caught myself answering the question, “how are you?” with a long diatribe about this pain and that; the word “prostate” comes up far too often. In fact, if there is no God, the strongest proof point will be the human male design in which the prostate wraps around the urethra. If God does exist, she’s surely a female.
By the time Denny’s officially declares me a senior, my son will be turning 18. With any luck, he’ll be moving on to live a relatively autonomous life and my wife and I will be empty-nesters. We’re planning on increasing the odds of this by downsizing to a 1-bedroom home and selling our couch. I love my son dearly and cherish every moment with him but, I have to admit, a life with no kid in the house does sound inviting.
Perhaps I’ve been focusing too much on what I’m losing than what I’m gaining as I get older. It’s not like I’m already on my way out anyway. These days, people are senior citizens for 25 to 40 years or longer. I’ve still got a lot of my life left to live. And I’ve got a lot to learn about being a senior from my parents. They’re active, interested and interesting. They do cool things like travel, paint and take pictures. They meet with friends over coffee, not when they happen to have a window of time, but when they darn well feel like it. They also get to be grandparents, a status with all the benefits of being a parent yet none of the responsibility and poop. If I can pull it off half as well as they do, I think I’ll be just fine.
I’m not ready yet, but I’ve got 5 years to learn to ride that unicycle.
ishroon
April 13, 2015
Hahah I absolutely enjoyed reading this! What an excellent way to address this issue.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
April 13, 2015
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for stopping by!
Wunderwaldverlag
April 13, 2015
Reblogged this on Wunderwaldverlag.
A.PROMPTreply
April 13, 2015
This is a great post – true and yet a hilarious view of where you’re headed. I’m sure you’re going to bring new meaning to the words senior citizen!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
April 13, 2015
Thanks, A.PROMPT!
Fat Bottom Girl
April 13, 2015
Having just turned 46 last week, I’m a ways away from qualifying for any discounts, but am distinctly aware I am now “middle-aged”, or somewhere near, but only if I plan on living to 90, and I’m not so sure I need to stick around quite that long.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
April 13, 2015
Well happy birthday! And thanks for taking the time to comment.
Dad
April 13, 2015
Yup…been there, done that!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
April 13, 2015
…and survived! Good to know it’s possible!
Mama
April 13, 2015
The unicycle sounds like an effective route to a broken hip which may, in turn speed a long the transformation via the addition of a zimmer frame…sorry to be a party pooper. May I suggest a jazzy bow tie instead?
Gina Valley (@GinaValley)
April 13, 2015
My sister has a llama you can borrow if you want to. ;o)
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
April 13, 2015
I don’t know, Gina. I’m just a bit worried about whether it would be covered on my insurance.
George
April 13, 2015
Yeah, it’s an interesting time for sure. People keep trying to make me invisible but I keep retaliating.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
April 13, 2015
I see you, George! Well, actually I see your avatar, but stil…
memyselfandkids.com
April 13, 2015
Wow, you could be a commercial for Denny’s – it’s clearly helping you overcome your worries about age.
Good luck with the unicycle.
I like the comic.
Good stuff here.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
April 13, 2015
Well, I’m sure looking forward to discounts on million-carb breakfasts for dinner.
Nolsie
April 14, 2015
Just don’t ride your unicycle through a cafe front window like seniors tend to do, and you should wear a nappie (diaper) under your Lycra because, well, you know, just in case. Loved your post!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
April 14, 2015
Ha! Great advice! It’s all about safety, comfort and style, you know.
letbleepinghogspie00
April 17, 2015
But you know how they say 50 is the new 40 etc ? So, if you have 5 years, that actually means you have 10! or something like that. I don’t know, man. I’m not good with math.
Great post though, hilarious!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
April 18, 2015
I think it’s like dog years or something.
thelibrariansfv
April 19, 2015
Wow that’s crazy to think about that you’re only have five years until you qualify for that title! Great post, interesting and funny as always. And hey, as long as you’re still blogging in 5 years, I’ll be a happy camper!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
April 20, 2015
That’s kind of you to say. I don’t plan on stopping any time soon…
kaylarue
April 21, 2015
It almost sounds like your parents have the better end of the deal! I would like time to finish my coffee before it turns cold…
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
June 15, 2015
They do have it better. I’d retire today if it didn’t mean I’d be moving into a cardboard box under an overpass somewhere…
8centpublishing
April 26, 2015
I hope I’m still able to ride at least a bike by the time I’m 80 haha. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ll ever be able to ride a unicycle, but hey, I have like 5 dozen years or so! Great read, and I can especially relate the the comic.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
June 15, 2015
Oh, you’ll be able to ride a bike when you’re 80. It’s just like…no, I won’t go there, it’s too easy…
5kcane
April 27, 2015
what a way to put things in to perspective!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
June 15, 2015
I’m great at putting things into perspective; it’s getting things back out again that causes me all the trouble…
lawsonheys1
May 1, 2015
Reblogged this on lawsonsramblings.
Mr. Giggles
May 11, 2015
Reblogged this on Keep Laughing.
himanimahawar
May 14, 2015
Reblogged this on milehimanimahawar and commented:
trying to promote something don’t know how to do…
kedarpinge
May 21, 2015
This is was amazing. Although I’m just 19 and I may not be able to relate to it completely, keep going man, brilliant stuff
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
June 15, 2015
Thanks. I’m always happy to see younger folks enjoying the blog. Get back to me in 30 years and let me know how this post resonates then…
8centpublishing
May 25, 2015
Excellent post. I’ve still got quite a few years before I start to worry
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
June 15, 2015
Take your time. Really.
crazycurlylife
June 3, 2015
Lol
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
June 15, 2015
TYVM
lastthingin
June 8, 2015
😄
pardonmyblogs
June 9, 2015
Is it weird that I feel old after turning 18 last week? haha I’ve been an avid reader of your posts for some time now. Thanks for this post… I always enjoy 🙂 Please read my latest blog (https://pardonmyblogs.wordpress.com/2015/06/09/the-categories/) for a short and witty, comical outlook on the types of people you find clubbing on a night out… It would be much appreciated 🙂
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
June 15, 2015
Um, well, yes, I suppose it is weird that you feel old after turning 18…but happy birthday anyway!
shubhiganesh
June 12, 2015
great humour ..u are not old at all!!!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
June 15, 2015
Thanks…and, well, thanks!
btg5885
July 3, 2015
I refuse to join AARP for the same reason. Every other month they send me a card with how to sign up and I cut the card up. Good post, BTG
Zyriacus
July 7, 2015
Forget about that unicycle. Only thing it will give you is a femoral neck fracture. Just use these five last years to collect as much cash as possible to guarantee a carefree life. (Where “carefree” means you can afford the care.)
mikol09
July 15, 2015
Reblogged this on mikol09 and commented:
Here is another one 🙂
Haddon Musings
July 15, 2015
This is a great post. If you can’t laugh at life it isn’t worth living. My subtitle on my blog is from Comicus in History of the Worl Part 2. Your writing reminds of Comicus.
BunKaryudo
July 21, 2015
We’ll we’re all heading in the same direction, so what can we do but smile and make the best of it? I agree with you about the prostate. The thing’s a menace — like I have nothing better to do with my day than spend half of looking at a restroom wall.
Sadly, I also have to agree that neither of us are likely to become firemen, astronauts or Olympic athletes anytime soon. (Scratch that. Anytime ever.) On the other hand, if you’re still interested in that Boston Marathon thing, I do happen to have a second-hand llama that I might be willing to let go for the right price.
ldsmith626
July 23, 2015
Reblogged this on Larry Smith Jr..
todduffey
August 14, 2015
YES! The child’s dream BECOMES the senior’s amnesiac nostalgia! The awkward circle of life! Well said!
virgodeva
September 16, 2015
Well, I did finally hit the big 50, when I expected to be on my unicycle, but turned out 18 year son old moved back in from boarding school and is wearing eyeliner and lipstick, so the “you’re not going out like that” comment REALLY
resonated, hey he’s not on drugs, he’s doing o.k. at commuinity college, and if one more person tells me, “hey, it is what is,” I’m going postal. Love your work!
teaismyjam
September 16, 2015
This was truly a marvellous post!
you mamaged to crack a smile out of me and i’m usually like a woman who has just had botox.
Nightwriter11
October 13, 2015
Wonderful post. I really enjoy your writing and humor. You have won over a new follower.
When you have a chance drop by my blog to see if my warped humor makes you smile. Great blog.
thelonelyauthorblog
iwannabealady
March 12, 2017
I was going through the blogs I follow and found you again. You’re a great writer. I hope you don’t let it go. Go get a unicycle to practice and let us know how it goes!