How to tell your parents you’re going through puberty

Posted on March 7, 2012

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Going to my room for puberty

Welcome to today’s installment of WTF Wednesday, where you can get designer advice at warehouse prices as long as you don’t mind mostly seconds, irregulars, size XXXL, or advice that went out of style in 1983.

We’ve been getting a lot of great questions lately. If you’ve asked one recently and it’s not been answered yet, hang in there. If this is an emergency, put the computer down and call Dr. Phil.  Otherwise stay on the Internet and we’ll answer your question as soon as we can.

Today’s question is one of the many questions asked via search engines that point the advice-seeker to IBMP, which only proves that the Internet knows good advice when it sees it. Our Googlist asks,

Dear IBMP,

How do you tell your parents you’re going through puberty?

My first response to this question is to rephrase it and ask how you tell your parents that if they can’t tell you’re going through puberty then they’ve got some serious situational awareness issues. Seriously, it’s pretty hard to miss.

But hey, I’m not here to judge your clearly lame parents. If they need to be told their kid’s undergoing a massive metamorphosis from a young irresponsible child to a large, smelly, hormone-drenched, moody irresponsible teen, the least I can do is help their unfortunate offspring.

There are several ways to tell your parents that you’re going through puberty.  All of them have been thoroughly tested over the years by countless zit-faced pre-teens and proven effective with even the most unaware parents.

I know you’re trying to decide whether to tell them in person, text them, post it on their Facebook wall, or leave a note.  But you’ll need to step outside your comfort zone if you want to do this right. Try these instead:

  1. Bedroom door sign. There’s nothing that screams, “Wake up, your kid’s going through puberty!” louder than a KEEP OUT! sign on your bedroom door.  The wise parent will quietly slip a copy of Your Changing Body under the door, retreat to the living room, and wait about a year and a half.
  2. The Internet search history technique. This one’s simple: resist the urge to clear the computer’s Internet browser history. You’re probably searching the web for answers about how to french kiss and trolling for online underwear ads anyway. If you don’t clear the browser history, one of two things will happen:
    • Either your parents will recognize the obvious sign of puberty that you’re now starting to think with your groin, or
    • your mother will assume it was your father on the computer and your family will be torn apart, thus making your concerns about whether your parents know you’re going through puberty seem rather silly in comparison.
  3. Inexplicable bathroom time. Another surefire way to signal to your parents that your gametes are beginning to ripen is to spend at least a half-hour in the bathroom alone with the door closed, 2-3 times per day. It may seem like a lot, but something tells me you’ll figure out a way to pass the time in there.
  4. Forego the shower.If you want to ensure your parents are aware you’re going through puberty, why not take advantage of all the senses? One cannot smell good and be going through puberty at the same time. This is especially true for those pre-teens who are burdened with the Y chromosome.and finally,
  5. Become a total dick. As you proceed through puberty, your emotions become controlled entirely by chemical hormones in your blood.  The role of these hormones is to make you a moody, bitchy, emotional wreck and to ensure that your parents, whenever possible, suffer the consequences. Your parents should begin to clue in to your pubescent state the first time you burst into tears, storm to your room and slam your door shut in response to the question, “How was your day?”

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

I’m guessing our readers have some suggestions of their own. Love to hear them in the comments!

Got a question for the experts? Drop it in the comments below. 

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Posted in: Advice (bad)