The best parenting advice you’ll never get

All your parenting questions answered (badly)

The IBMP WTF Wednesday: Questioning life’s most pressing answers.

For a while, readers of I’ve Become My Parents submitted questions about parenting and the team of experts here at IBMP would answer one every Wednesday.  That team, led by and entirely made up of me would apply my unique experience as someone who has actually been someone’s child to answer the reader’s question. This is where past questions and answers are left to die posted for the benefit of other readers who are exeriencing the same issues. It’s a public service.

This is where I’d probably put all my degrees, accomplishments and accolades, but I don’t need those to call myself an expert; I have a blog. It’s a good thing, too, since I don’t actually have any of those other things.

Oh, and I think my lawyer wanted me to tell you not to take any of this advice ever.

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On getting your kids to do stuff, stop doing stuff, do stuff quicker, quieter or more nicely

Four tricks to getting your kids to do it the first time you ask

How to stop your daughter from getting that piercing

Surviving a department store tantrum

An IBMP exclusive: getting your child to pick up their toys

When your son thinks anywhere close to the potty is good enough

How to potty train your child in time for Senior Prom

A no-fail way to cope when your child won’t shut up at the movies

What to do when your kids decide annoying you is more fun than playing with their toys

Kid eating too much or not enough? The simple solutions (sort of).

How to keep your child from interrupting you: 5 easy solutions

A parent’s guide to dealing with your child’s first boyfriend or girlfriend

How to travel with toddlers and have fewer people hate you

Learn to guilt trip your kids like the masters

On why things are the way they are and what you can do about it

What does it mean when your 4 year old son walks around saying that there is a party on his penis? Should you call a doctor or a party planner?

Why your child looks at you like you’re an alien

Why your kids will French kiss the dog but not share a water bottle

It could be worse; your child could be listening to Barney

Reverse psychology and other ways of being a jerk without your kids knowing it

Why your son doesn’t care if he has clean clothes

Getting into the mind of the serial messy room offender

The “I’d Laugh at the Irony if it didn’t Piss Me Off So Much” Paradox

Why your child should be in diapers until middle school

Why dog ownership is good preparation for having children

The real reason you cannot help parroting your parents

We reveal why children like to embarrass their parents

It’s just not as cute when it’s someone else’s kid’s snot

On stuff you should probably know

How social media will save your relationship with your children

Should you let your child read your old diaries?

Six important considerations before deciding to have children

Five benefits to keeping your child on a leash

Stuffing your toybox with Happy Meal toys

Get the most out of embarrassing your children: plan ahead

Why give “The Talk” to your pubescent pre-teen when the Internet can do it for you?

Picking a name for your child’s private parts

Fun things to do with annoying kids

How to convince your kids that you’re the smartest person they’ll ever know

How to sneak junk food without getting caught by your child

When good baths go bad

Masturbation. There, I said it out loud.

Exhibitionist potty training: the pros and cons

Should I be psyched if my daughter recognized the opening chords of “Highway to Hell”?

On stuff your parents won’t tell you

How to tell your parents you’re going through puberty

Yes that’s right: your parents are lazy

We’ll love you unconditionally if you just give us these four things

How to scare your neighbors and slow puberty at the same time

The evolution of embarrassment: why parents embarrass their children

Five secrets to talking to your date’s parents

How to decide whether to tell your parents you’re going through puberty

21 ways to scare your parents

Advice Variety Packs

How to tell your parents you would rather watch Glee than play Grand Theft Auto

Parenting advice: 18 things Google thinks I know

Is a messy room good for your immune system and 17 other really big questions.

Making the Internet a better place one bad answer at a time

Problems solved. You’re welcome!

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14 Responses “The best parenting advice you’ll never get” →
  1. You’re so clever. Thanks for sharing.

    Kaukab’s daughter

    Reply
  2. These are hilarious!

    Reply

  3. ThinLine

    November 6, 2011

    I love your Dr.-Spock-would-be-horrified take on parenting. Here’s my question: how do you handle it when your toddler decides to have a tantrum in the middle of a department store?

    Reply
  4. I loved this so much I was inspired to dedicate a post to your cleverness. (Well, more like I borrowed your cleverness to boost my otherwise drab drivel masking itself as a blog). Hope you don’t mind the added traffic! You can check it out here: http://lifeloveandbaby.com/2011/11/29/why-hate-when-theres-xanax/

    Reply
  5. so funny just what I needed after hours of trying to put baby to sleep… thanks!!

    Reply
  6. Everyone knows how to bring up children except the people who have them..,,

    Reply
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