WTF Wednesday Archives

The IBMP WTF Wednesday: Questioning life’s most pressing answers.

Every Wednesday, the editors (me) here at IBMP choose a parenting question to answer. One of our parenting experts (me) is assigned the task of applying their unique experience as someone who has actually had parents AND been someone’s child to answer the reader’s question. This is where past questions and answers are left to die posted for the benefit of other readers who are exeriencing the same issues. It’s a public service.

This is where I’d probably put all my degrees, accomplishments and accolades, but I don’t need those to call myself an expert; I have a blog. It’s a good thing, too, since I don’t actually have any of those.

Feel free to ask a question in the comments section and we’ll get right on it.

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March 7, 2012

Welcome to today’s installment of WTF Wednesday, where you can get designer advice at warehouse prices as long as you don’t mind mostly seconds, irregulars, size XXXL, or advice that went out of style in 1983.

We’ve been getting a lot of great questions lately. If you’ve asked one recently and it’s not been answered yet, hang in there. If this is an emergency, put the computer down and call Dr. Phil.  Otherwise stay on the Internet and we’ll answer your question as soon as we can.

Today’s question is one of the many questions asked via search engines that point the advice-seeker to IBMP, which only proves that the Internet knows good advice when it sees it. Our Googlist asks,

Dear IBMP,

How do you tell your parents you’re going through puberty?

My first response to this question is to rephrase it and ask how you tell your parents that if they can’t tell you’re going through puberty then they’ve got some serious situational awareness issues. Seriously, it’s pretty hard to miss.

But hey, I’m not here to judge your clearly lame parents. If they need to be told their kid’s undergoing a massive metamorphosis from a young irresponsible child to a large, smelly, hormone-drenched, moody irresponsible teen, the least I can do is help their unfortunate offspring.

There are several ways to tell your parents that you’re going through puberty.  All of them have been thoroughly tested over the years by countless zit-faced pre-teens and proven effective with even the most unaware parents.

I know you’re trying to decide whether to tell them in person, text them, post it on their Facebook wall, or leave a note.  But you’ll need to step outside your comfort zone if you want to do this right. Try these instead:

1. Bedroom door sign. There’s nothing that screams, “Wake up, your kid’s going through puberty!” louder than a KEEP OUT! sign on your bedroom door.  The wise parent will quietly slip a copy of Your Changing Body under the door, retreat to the living room, and wait about a year and a half.
2. The Internet search history technique. This one’s simple: resist the urge to clear the computer’s Internet browser history. You’re probably searching the web for answers about how to french kiss and trolling for online underwear ads anyway. If you don’t clear the browser history, one of two things will happen:
   • Either your parents will recognize the obvious sign of puberty that you’re now starting to think with your groin, or
   • your mother will assume it was your father on the computer and your family will be torn apart, thus making your concerns about whether your parents know you’re going through puberty seem rather silly in comparison.
3. Inexplicable bathroom time. Another surefire way to signal to your parents that your gametes are beginning to ripen is to spend at least a half-hour in the bathroom alone with the door closed, 2-3 times per day. It may seem like a lot, but something tells me you’ll figure out a way to pass the time in there.
4. Forego the shower.If you want to ensure your parents are aware you’re going through puberty, why not take advantage of all the senses? One cannot smell good and be going through puberty at the same time. This is especially true for those pre-teens who are burdened with the Y chromosome.and finally,
5. Become a total dick. As you proceed through puberty, your emotions become controlled entirely by chemical hormones in your blood.  The role of these hormones is to make you a moody, bitchy, emotional wreck and to ensure that your parents, whenever possible, suffer the consequences. Your parents should begin to clue in to your pubescent state the first time you burst into tears, storm to your room and slam your door shut in response to the question, “How was your day?”

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

I’m guessing our readers have some suggestions of their own. Love to hear them in the comments!

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February 29, 2012

Welcome to another installment of WTF Wednesday, where if you can find the same advice advertised elsewhere for less, we’ll congratulate you and totally mean it.

This week, we’ve decided to tackle three questions about food. One about kids who can’t stop eating it, one about kids who don’t eat enough of it, and one about kids who only eat one thing.

Our first question comes from James Hudyma (A.K.A. @SasdaDad). He runs a blog called EduDad and asks,

Dear IBMP,

My son is always hungry. He stomps around the house shouting, “More! More!” What can I feed this kid to keep him full?

OK, first of all, you know you’re supposed to feed your kid daily, right?  If you forget once in a while it’s probably OK, but you should really make an effort to feed him every day. If you go away for the weekend, consider asking a neighbor to stop by once a day to feed him.

The other option is to get one of those timed food dispensing devices, fill it and leave it in the kitchen. They are widely available. I’ve seen them at just about every parental supply store I’ve visited – Petsmart, Petco, all of them.

If you find your child is still hungry, you can increase his feeding to up to 3 times per day.

If that doesn’t do it, then you may be feeding the wrong stomach. It’s a well-known fact that children have two stomachs.  The regular stomach is the smaller of the two. The IBMP Dictionary of Parenting terms describes the dessert stomach as the one that always has room regardless of the status of the regular stomach. If you’re trying to fill the dessert stomach, well just forget it—it’s not going to happen.

Here’s the big secret: your child’s hunger is not determined by what he’s already eaten; it’s determined by what’s available to eat. Want proof? Walk past a candy store at any time of day, after any meal. Not only is he suddenly hungry for candy, but he may actually implode if he can’t get it.

So if you want your son to declare himself full, target the regular stomach: fill the fridge with broccoli, put carrots in the cookie jar, fill the cupboards with celery and walnuts. Trust me, with those as the only choices, your son will call himself full in no time.

Our next question comes from Alexis Dubief (A.K.A @troublesometots). She runs the blog Troublesome Tots, and writes,

Dear IBMP,

Is it OK to feed my kids exclusively peanut butter? We offer them a variety but invariably they only eat the foods with peanut butter on them. Peanut butter and milk. yep.

Sure it is.  Our son was on a gummy bear only diet for a while about a year ago. Granted, gummy bears have more variety, with the various colors and flavors, and they’re lower in fat, but peanut butter’s still not bad. Just make sure your kids check for Allergy Alert bracelets before kissing their friends.

Our final question comes from Jacqui the Chick (A.K.A @chicktuition). She runs the blog Chicktuition and writes,

Dear IBMP,

I’d like some advice on how to get a 7 year old boy to try new foods…including ones that are good for him.

Hahahahahahaha! Oh, wait, sorry. That was unprofessional.

If you’re worried about your children not getting a good sampling of all the various food groups, remember that, according to the IBMP Dictionary, candy is the fifth food group on a ten year-old’s food pyramid.

The good news for you is that there are ways to get your child to try new foods. The most effective way is known as gummifying the food. It’s simple really: put the word “gummy” in front of whatever it is. For example, broccoli becomes gummy broccoli, enchiladas become gummy enchiladas.

If for some reason that doesn’t work, then your child just might not be hungry enough. Give it a day or two of no food and that wheatgrass juice will start looking pretty good.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

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February 22, 2012

Welcome to today’s installment of WTF Wednesday, where if you find the same advice at a lower price anywhere else, we’ll give you triple your money back (minus a $20 re-stocking fee, $10 service charge, $13.50 shipping, $50 handling fee, and some beer money).

Today’s question comes via Twitter from Anntrea (@doodlesandJots). She also runs the Doodles and Jots blog.

Anntrea writes:

Dear IBMP,

URGENT! Need ideas how 2 spend winter vacation week off from school, stuck at home & it’s 2 cold out, been to library & movies

Oh yeah, we’ve all been there:

Mom, we’ve been stuck at home for 25 minutes now. I’m bored.

Why don’t you play with one of the ten thousand toys you got for Christmas?

I’m tired of that stuff. I’ve already played with it all.

Play with the boxes, then.

No!

You used to like the boxes.

I still do but my stuffies are sleeping in them and I don’t want to wake them.

Play with your sister then.

I don’t have a sister, Mom.

Well times like this I wish you did. Go play with the dog then.

He won’t go near me since the last time I played with him.

Right.      His fur’s growing back nicely, though, don’t you think?

…..

It’s an unfortunate situation that is all-too-common among those with children in their homes. The clinical term is Bored Kid Syndrome (BKS). BKS is in the class of illnesses known as Serious Unmentionables Caused by Kids and Youth (SUCKY). It includes such maladies as Parental Deafness, Offspring-induced Premature Baldness, and Patience Deficiency Syndrome, and it affects parents of all socioeconomic statuses.

But, there are solutions. You don’t have to live your life fearing rainy days.

This is where a less experienced advice blogger would recommend yoga, meditation or prescription sedatives to calm your nerves and take the edge off. But that treats only the symptoms and not the root problem.

According to the IBMP Dictionary of Parenting Terms, “I’m bored” is a term used by children who decide that annoying their parents is more fun than playing with their toys.

To cure BKS, you need to make even staring at the ceiling seem several times more attractive to your kids than annoying you.

For example, our son was taught at a very early age that every time someone says the word “bored” a puppy gets swallowed by a dolphin that’s in turn run over by a jetski towing a freshly killed mermaid.

If that’s not your style, you can always suggest some great rainy-day games to try and divert your children’s attention from the tremendously satisfying act of pissing you off with declarations of boredom.

I know what you’re thinking: we’ve played all the games we have and I’m as sick of them as the kids are. Fair enough, but there are some games you may not have tried.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Let’s See Who Can Finish Dusting First. This is a fun family game in which each child is given a dusting rag and assigned a room of their very own to dust. The child who finishes first and with the fewest missed spots gets to do another room of their choosing.

Be Silent Or You’re Grounded. This challenging strategy game is played just as the name implies. The object is to see who can last the longest without getting grounded for speaking, whining or singing off-key.

Bathe Brother Billy. This game requires two players: the child who takes the bath and the older sibling who washes the bather’s hair, dries them and helps them get into their jammies.

The Salt Grain Sorting Game. Your child or children must sort all the grains of salt from your shaker in order from smallest to largest. The task must be completed within 81/2 hours or a tabletop fan is turned on and all grains must be recovered and re-sorted.

Clean and Sort Mommy’s Shoes. Children must take the pile of unsorted shoes in your closet(s), clean them and sort them. Trust me, guys, this is harder than you think.

My personal favorite is Hide and Go Seek Coffee. In this game, the children hide. Once the kids are comfortably hiding, you go seek coffee at your favorite coffee shop.

Finally, if you’ve tried all these things and you’re still having trouble, consider replacing your working spouse’s calendar with one that declares “Take Your Child To Work Week” coincidentally on the same days your child has no school.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

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February 15, 2012

Welcome to another installment of WTF Wednesday, where the advice is free but following it might cost you more than just your reputation.

Today’s question was submitted by John Brown (a.k.a. @jbrown3079) of Twitterville Indiana. He’s also the owner of Bellbottom Blog. We don’t yet know if the other 3,078 JBrowns on Twitter endorse his question but he does indicate that he’s asking for “a friend.” This leads us to conclude that A) he has at least one friend, and B)Stuffing there are a lot of JBrowns on Twitter.

Mr. Brown3079 writes:

Dear IBMP,

Should “Happy Meal” toys take up the majority of space in a toybox? Asking for a friend.

Now see, folks, that is a good friend. He could have asked a question for himself but he took his valuable 87 Twitter characters to help out a friend instead. Because, of course, we all believe that he’s asking for a friend, right?

Well, John, like all good answers, this one starts with, “Well that depends.”

It depends, for example, on whether you want to support the hard work of Chinese factory slaves workers who, after a few weeks of work might earn enough to buy a Happy Meal themselves. If so, then a well-stocked toybox of fine imported Happy Meal trinkets is a good choice.

It also depends on your preferred ratio of working toys to broken toys. If you like it roughly equal to the ratio of straight men to gay men at a Cher concert, then yes by all means fill that box with Happy Meal freebies.

Or if you like having a backup plan in case you forget to buy cheap party favors for your kid’s birthday and need an emergency supply, then fill that toybox to the brim with Disney movie marketing crap from McDonald’s.

Those Happy Meal toys have other value as well. If not for Happy Meal toys, we’d have no mementos to remind ourselves of crappy kids’ movies that came and went over the course of an afternoon. The non-degradable, un-recyclable marketing collateral known as Happy Meal toys will be around long after we’ve all died from congestive heart failure and diabetes complications resulting from eating Happy Meals. It’s a legacy you can be proud of.

Also, a kid that is content with a toybox of Happy Meal toys clearly has remarkably low expectations when it comes to playthings. While all the other kids are whining about needing that $300 Lego set, your kid is just trying to collect all four Spy Kids Decoder Rings. That is certainly a reason to celebrate.

Whether you choose to stock your child’s toybox almost exclusively with Happy Meal toys is a personal decision. Hopefully we’ve given you all the tools you need to make the right decision for your household.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

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February 8, 2012

Welcome to another instalment of WTF Wednesday, where we put the F in WTF.  That’s right, we’re responsible for the word “For” in “What’s That For?” (What were you thinking WTF stood for, anyway?)

Here at Advice Central, we get a lot of questions via Twitter, the blog’s comment section, email, entered into search engines to find the blog, and the occasional carrier pigeon.  (Thanks for all the pigeons, by the way; they’re awesome slow-roasted with butter and a bit of garlic.) This week’s question comes by carrier electron all the way from Googleville. Personally, I think it’s a silly question because the answer is so obvious, but we don’t judge the questions at IBMP. After all, there is no such thing as a stupid question, just a stupid person. It’s not the question’s fault it’s so silly. So here’s the question:

Dear IBMP,

Are my parents lazy?*

The obvious answer is YES. Yes your parents are lazy.

I don’t even know your parents, yet I am so confident in my answer. That’s the mark of a true Internet advice-giver.

I can be that confident because it’s true of all parents. That’s right, don’t act so surprised; the evidence is everywhere.

Think about it:

• All your parents do in-between driving you to soccer, hockey, swim lessons, Cubs and Tae Kwon Do, is sit around on the field in the rain or on hard benches and watch while you do all the work.
• You’re the one that has to go to school to learn stuff for 6 hours a day (give or take a few recesses and lunchtime when you eat the sandwich Mom made for you in the morning before she woke you up for the breakfast she cooked). What are your parents doing while you’re dealing with that? Nothing of any importance I’m sure. The only reason they both go to work for 8 hours each day is because they like it so much.
• Last time you thoughtlessly unwrapped a candy bar and stuck the wrapper in your mom’s hand to throw away, what was her response? I bet she was too lazy to do it herself and made you do it for her.
• How many times have your parents used the “that’s your responsibility” excuse for not driving back to the school to pick up the homework you left on your desk?
• Ask yourself this one: when you get up at 5:00 on Sunday morning and wake your dad, insisting that he get up and make you breakfast, does he get up with a smile and get to work? Or, does he grumble and moan about wanting to sleep in until at least 6:00? See? Lazy.
• You’re the one that has to eat that nutritionally complete homemade hot dinner before you’re allowed to have one of the cookies that mom spent all afternoon baking. Your parents just sit around and eat them whenever they want.
• Have you noticed they never clean your room? They’ll clean theirs and every other room in the house for hours at a time, but they’re too lazy to clean yours.
• After 6 hours of doing laundry, your parents just lounge around on the couch cutting coupons for the shopping trip they need to make after you’ve gone to bed.
• Just because Dad threw his back out repainting the house and moving the furniture so he could vacuum behind it, he thinks he has an excuse for lying on the floor on his back for hours.
• And then there’s Grandma who, even though she’s had 95 years to practice, has that stupid machine do all her breathing for her and makes the nurse empty her colostomy bags because she’s “too weak” to get off her ass and do it herself.

So, yes, your parents are lazy.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

*See, this is the kind of search term that leads the truth-seeker to IBMP. It’s never stuff like, “If Prometheus hadn’t tricked the gods out of the best portion of the sacrificial meat to give to the mortal man, would women still eventually have been created, or would daddy bloggers rule the Internet?”

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January 31, 2012

Welcome to this week’s installment of WTF Wednesday, where our advice is made with 100% real ingredients in mind.

Today’s question comes to us via the magic of Google’s Let’s Track Every Move People Make On The Internet program. Earlier this week a thoughtful child found I’ve Become My Parents by typing this question into Google:

What are 4 things parents need from their children?

Well, Google certainly sent you to the right place. But then Google does have a dark sense of humour.

I got a question a few weeks back that I think is relevant here: “Why are my parents suddenly being nice to me?”  I know what you’re thinking: it’s because they want something from you, right? Wrong. Think about it: we always want something from you yet we are rarely actually nice to you. If your parents are suddenly being nice to you it’s because they’re afraid of something. That’s totally different and will no doubt be the subject of a future post.

So what do we want?

Ask anybody’s child and you’ll quickly learn that there are many more than four things that parents want from their children.  Oddly enough, the list of things parents don’t want is equally long. Someone should ask me that question some time because I think it would lead to a quite satisfying rant, and I could use the release.

To understand what your parents want, you need to understand the concept of unconditional love. We love you unconditionally. And we’ll keep loving you unconditionally as long as you give us what we want. So, in exchange for our unconditional love we expect the following four things:

1. Money. Look, we didn’t work our asses off all our lives so we could retire broke. We did it out of unconditional love for our kids. And all we expect in return is that you’ll start sending us cheques on a monthly basis beginning the moment you finish high school (college if we’re feeling particularly patient, but we expect bigger cheques).
2. Your unconditional love. Yes, we ask that you love us unconditionally as we do you. We expect that you’ll demonstrate that love by doing what we want, when and how we want it.
3. We need you to quit your whining. “But Daddy, I just washed your car yesterday.” “Daddy, none of the other kids have to give their parents nightly foot massages.” Honestly, it gets old real fast.
4. We need you to make up for all our shortcomings. This is one of the main reasons we have kids in the first place: we messed up and you’re our second chance. Find out what your parents sucked at and make sure you’re really good at it. My kid needs to kick ass at sports and I’d be totally thrilled if he dates college girls when he’s fifteen. All he really needs to do, though, is date any girl and he’s made up for a lot. If she actually knows she’s on a date and is happy about it, that would be even better.

Your parents love you very, very much, anonymous Google searching person. There is nothing more magical than a parent’s love for their child. Remember that and smile next time your arm’s down the toilet searching for Mom’s ring.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

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January 25, 2012

Welcome to WTF Wednesday, where advice is completely free for the first six months if you commit to a ten-year contract and agree to pay whatever I decide you should during that time.

This week we were cleaning out our closet and found a few answers under a pile of dust bunnies and long-lost socks. We thought we’d share our good fortune with you and apply them to a few extra questions this week.

The first question comes from Christina Majaski who tweets as @cmajaski and owns the in-your-face-funny blog Solitary Mama. She writes:

Dear IBMP,

How old is too old to hang around the house naked?

Parenting involves a lot of nakedness. It even starts with nakedness (unless you’re one of those who prefers not to waste time bothering with all those buttons and clasps). I’m not an expert on nakedness per se, but I have been naked before.

There are a few ways to interpret your question; I’ll answer both.

At what age should a person stop hanging around the house naked? That’s really up to the individual and how much they value their neighbors’ friendship. As a general rule, you know you are getting too old to walk around the house with fully aerated loins when your neighbors offer to buy you blinds for your windows.

What about parents? When is your child too old for you to be wandering around the house naked?  You know your children are getting too old for you to walk around the house naked when one or both of the following conditions exist:

1. Your son begins charging his friends for sleepovers at your house.
2. Your daughter begins paying her friends for sleepovers at theirs.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

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Our next question comes via Twitter from Kasia (@PolPrairieMama), owner of the blog Polish Mama on the Prairie. She writes:

Dear IBMP,

Is it OK to breastfeed in public?

See, this is what sets IBMP apart from all those wannabe advice sites: I don’t shy away from controversy. I’ll give you my opinion regardless of how many nasty letters I throw away unopened as a result.

The answer is unequivocally no. I’m a 40-something year old man for goodness’ sake. I would never breastfeed in public. My wife is embarrassed just to be seen with me in public let alone to be seen with me groping her like that.  I make sure to only breastfeed in the privacy of my own home. Sometimes I’ll even draw the blinds that my neighbors bought for me last summer.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

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The final question is one we get here every week without fail. Most of the time, it is typed into search engines and the fortunate Seeker of Wisdom is directed to I’ve Become My Parents for expert advice.

Dear IBMP,

How can I slow down puberty?

Clearly, the writer is a parent hoping to squeeze the last few moments of hormone-free peace out of their children.

You’re asking the right guy: as the parent of a pre-teen, I’ve read every puberty book on the planet (that’s right, I get them for the articles, not just the pictures).

Based on my extensive research, there’s this thing called the hypothalamic-pituitary-gonadal axis (HPG) that initiates puberty. It’s the HPG’s fault that your kid’s about to go all Paris Hilton on you. There is no known physical way to slow puberty. No food; no exercises; no pills.

The only chance you have of slowing puberty is to use psychological tactics to trick the body into thinking its very survival is dependant on avoiding puberty. You need to scare the living crap out of your child’s hypothalamic-pituitary-gonadal axis.

The good news is that it’s quite simple. You already have the answer to scaring the puberty right out of your pre-teen:  just keep walking around the house naked.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

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January 17, 2012

Welcome to this week’s installment of WTF Wednesday, where the quality of our answers is matched only by the inverse of the quality of your questions.

This week’s question comes from Julia Warrender, owner of Life With a Parasite and tweeting as @jwarrender, who writes:

Dear IBMP,

When you learn your child is one of “THOSE” people who won’t STFU during a movie, what do you do? “I know he fell down, sweetie. I’m watching the movie too. Now shhh, please” doesn’t seem to be working. Should I use more profanity in my instructions, or pretend she’s her father and ignore her?

OK, I should probably stop laughing and answer your question, so here goes.

First, let’s clarify for those readers who aren’t as hip as Julia and me what STFU means. It’s an acronym that means Stay There and Fill Up, which really makes no sense to me.  I don’t know why she said that. I don’t see anything wrong with a kid that occasionally likes to stay at a movie and fill up. It’s just not a big deal.

But let’s consider for a moment a different question, one that I think is much more relevant than her silly one: What do you do if your child just won’t shut the fuck up at a movie theatre? Now that’s a good question. Julia, I hope you don’t mind if I answer that one instead.

We’ll start by analyzing the options you’ve proposed.

Treat her like you would her father and ignore her

The logic of pretending she’s her father seems, to the untrained eye, as quite solid.  And trust me, guys are actually quite thrilled to be ignored as we don’t really want you paying attention to what we’re up to most of the time anyway. But in order for treating her like her father to be believable, you need to do more than just ignore her.

Think for a moment about your typical movie experience with her father. You will need, for instance, to ask her to stop texting during the romantic scenes. That will probably confuse the hell out of your daughter who probably doesn’t own a cell phone. On the upside, though, it might shut her up for a minute while she tries to figure out what you’re talking about.

Also, in the name of realism, you’ll need to guard the popcorn as if she’d scarf it all down in 5 seconds if it were left unprotected. That will probably just piss her off and could escalate into a full-scale mid-movie tantrum—something you want to avoid unless you enjoy being pelted with Junior Mints and Mike and Ikes.

I would also suggest saving the ignore her technique for when it’s really most beneficial, like when she’s screaming about having to pee right when you’re finally next in line at Starbucks.

The Shhh Technique

Unfortunately, the Shhh Technique isn’t especially effective either. This is largely due to the fact that the “shhh” sound, to a young child actually means, “Say that thing again only this time with a louder, whinier voice.”

Adding profanity to the Shhh Technique

The addition of profanity (or more than you’ve been using already) to the Shhh Technique is frequently employed in the movie-viewing context. Whispering profanities generally results in the child responding–at three times the volume–with something like, “Mommy, you just said Fuck. Why’d you say fuck, mommy? Isn’t fuck a bad word, mommy? You should never say fuck mommy, you said so yourself. Fuck, fuck, fuck, mommy said fuck. That’s bad luck. Hey mommy, I made a rhyme, wanna hear it again?”

By this point, the Usher will be headed your way, penlight in hand, ready to escort you and your darling little angel out to the parking lot.

Fine, so what actually does work?

Voice-activated in-helmet radio communication devices

You’ve seen these things in use by bikers to talk with their passengers. With the face guards down, you and your daughter can chat at a moderate voice level without disturbing those around you, unless they want to see over your huge bulbous headgear. There are no downsides except an inability to see or hear the film you’ve paid for.

Get a job working in the projector booth and participate in Bring Your Child to Work Day.

This has the added bonus of earning you minimum wage while attending a movie with your child. Also if your child gets bored of the movie, they can always make shadow puppets to keep them entertained.

Umbrellas and foul weather gear

The Ignore Technique isn’t entirely ineffectual. The key is to know whom to ignore. In this case, it’s the rest of the audience, who are throwing everything they can possibly spare at you. The trick is to be prepared with the proper clothing and a large golf umbrella. While an umbrella at the movies will undoubtedly result in greater quantities of airborne refuse, it will also effectively deflect just about anything coming your way. The foul weather gear will take care of anything that skirts in under the umbrella.

Use the snack bar as it was intended

There’s a reason the theater sells popcorn in 50 gallon drums. A full mouth is a happy mouth, and a happy mouth is quiet. So go ahead and buy that $30 vat and let her have it.

Another good snack bar option is the jujube. When applied properly, this candy-like substance can glue a young child’s teeth together for well over an hour. And it’s perfectly legal in most countries.

The surefire method

In my 10 years of intensive experience with one of those children, there is only one surefire method that is guaranteed to solve your problem:

Stay home. Netflix was invented for people like us who have children like them.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

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January 11, 2010

Welcome to another edition of WTF Wednesday where we give really good Bad advice.

This week’s question comes from Matthew Peregoy, a.k.a, @realmattdaddy,  proud owner of  The Real Matt Daddy blog, who writes:

Dear IBMP,

Do you think that it’s okay to use a toddler backpack leash thingy?

Matt, like all useless information, the answer to your question begins with, “Well, that depends…”

I have a friend who used one because her autistic child wouldn’t hold her hand and, when combined with a lack of awareness of surroundings, it was a safety thing.  Fair enough, but what about the rest of us?

Let’s explore this in a bit more detail.

There are some clear benefits of using leashes on toddlers. One of the more obvious is that keeping a boy on a short leash from an early age is great preparation for eventual married life.

A leash can ensure that your child can have hours of “outside” time while tied to the tree in the front yard without fear that they’ll run off chasing other children or pooping on neighbors’ lawns. Just be sure to leave a bowl of water for them. It would be cruel and demeaning to leave them out there on a leash without water.

It also allows you to spend more quality time with your child. This is possible because you can tie them up in front of the restaurant while you enjoy your meal. As you know, leaving a child in a hot car can completely ruin their hair. Our solution, of course, is usually to leave them at home with a 2-litre bottle of Coke and the TV remote while we go bar hopping or visit relatives for the weekend. The leash gives you the freedom to take them along.

A leash can even be good for your health; it makes it much easier for your toddler to keep up when you’re out jogging. That means you don’t have to keep doubling back to tell her to hurry up.

So, you can see there are some pretty good reasons to use a leash.  If you do choose to use one, consider training your toddler to do a consistent sit/stay before taking your child out on the leash for the first time.  And bring a lot of treats—that will help your toddler work on heeling. With time and patience, you’ll be walking a well-trained child that all your friends will envy.

As for whether it’s okay, you’re in shape, enjoying some good family time, and your child’s getting lots of fresh air. What could be wrong with that?

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

Got a question for WTF Wednesday? Drop it into the comments below!

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January 4, 2012

Welcome to another instalment of WTF Wednesday where you provide the questions and I provide other stuff.

Today’s question comes to us from nevercontrary who writes:

Dear IBMP,
I am about to start potty training my daughter. Any tips, advice, or suggestions?

Nevercontrary, it’s interesting that you’re looking for ways to get your child to use the potty because in about ten years you’ll be struggling to find ways to get them off it. But teen toilet hogging will have to be addressed in a future post.

Some of the most common potty training tips are repeated all over the web. These people, while well-meaning, are sadly misguided. I once was an actual child so I know a thing or two about child stuff. Plus I get accused of acting like one all the time. You can’t argue with those credentials. Well you could but I’d probably just delete your comment in the interest of, well, me.

Are you ready?

The first thing to ask is whether your child is ready. There is a tendency to want to rush into a diaper-free life. But ask yourself these questions:

• Do you own a toilet? This should be one of the first things to be considered.
• Will Grandma be jealous that she’s the only one still wearing diapers? We often forget to consider the feelings of others in our haste to ditch the diapers.
• Can your child swim? Remember, safety should always be your prime consideration.
• Are you prepared for a dramatic increase in the amount of laundry you’re doing? You’re trading diapers for dirty sheets and underwear.
• Is your child embarrassed to go to the prom because his diaper gets in the way of his cummerbund? This may be a sign that the time has come.

We’ll assume that you have determined your child is indeed ready to begin the process.

Proper conditioning is essential

Potty training is serious business. There’s a reason it’s called potty training; it’s not potty practicing or potty wussy-half-assed-maybe-I’ll-use-the-toilet-and-maybe-I-won’t-ing. It’s training. And like all training, it requires years of conditioning and strong coaching. It requires both mental and physical readiness.  And most of all, it requires a good laundry machine.

Many people make the mistake of thinking potty training begins with an introduction to the toilet. This comes way later. Conditioning begins much earlier. The first focus of your conditioning should not be about peeing or pooping at all; it should be about not doing it. Sound counter-intuitive? Just wait until you’re at the movies and your improperly conditioned and trained potty “expert” declares their need for an urgent dash to the loo. That’s when you’ll realize that long before tossing the diapers in the bin you should have been working on stamina.

Stamina involves several muscles, good pain tolerance and the gradual stretching of the appropriate systems (primarily the bladder and the colon). The ideal time to begin conditioning is when your child is still young enough to be unable to remove duct tape from key body parts. The goal is to gradually increase your child’s stamina. I recommend moving on to the next stages of training only after your child is able to sit through the average length movie (about 2 hrs; 6 hrs with commercials and trailers).

The right gear

Once you are confident in your child’s stamina, you are ready to begin the training program.  For this stage, you will need the right gear. Invest in a bidet. You’re getting rid of diapers; you do not want to trade that for wiping dried poop off your child’s backside and washing three pairs of underwear a day. What? Did you think your child is somehow going to spend more time and effort on wiping than they do eating their broccoli? You’re asking a 3 year-old to wipe their ass – good luck with that.

You will also want to invest in an infrared hand sterilizer. Think about it: how does your kid do when wiping up spilled milk with a paper towel? Now trade the milk for poop and the paper towel for a tiny piece of water soluble tissue. Oh, and cut his finger nails, please.

Some “experts” will tell you to use night-time diapers and others will tell you to ditch them. They’re both wrong. The mistake there is assuming that your child will be sleeping in his or her bed. It’s an amateur mistake. During the training period, your child should sleep in a fishnet hammock suspended over the toilet. It’s better for the environment as you’ll use fewer diapers and wash fewer sheets. In the morning, the entire package –hammock and child — can be submersed in a full bathtub thus eliminating the need for laundry and providing your child’s morning bath simultaneously.

Using incentives

Everybody talks about incentives: buy them their own special potty, give them their favourite treat if they poop in the potty, praise the heck out of them. That kind of positive reinforcement is probably not harmful so go ahead. But it seems to me that the best incentive a child could have would be the threat of having to change their own diapers. Hell, that’s what’s got you so anxious to potty train your kid, so it’s bound to be a pretty good incentive for them, too.  After dealing with one of those nasty blowout jobs on their own, they’ll be sitting on the pot every time.

Watching Daddy wee

The watch and learn approach is also popular among the supposedly knowledgeable websites. In this approach, a parent models toilet use for the trainee. The child is invited to watch a parent and see how the pros do it. At this point, I don’t think there have been enough studies of adults whose parents invited them to watch them crap to know whether the years of therapy that resulted were worth the extra week of potty training time that it saved.

There is another problem with the watch and learn approach: do you really want your little boy taking lessons from Dad on how to properly use the toilet? Between the problems with aim and the failure to ever put the toilet seat back down, this does not seem to me to be the ideal learning scenario.

Practicing with targets

Finally, let’s talk about targets. They are a potentially fun way to get your little guy to focus on putting the pee in its proper place. This, of course, assumes that he has any ability to aim whatsoever. It’s fine to have a target but if your accuracy is in the plus or minus one meter range it really only assures that the toilet is at the center of the large puddle on the floor. You see, trying to aim a 3 year-old’s penis is like trying to sneeze on a dime: it’s highly accurate but far from precise. Sure, you’ll hit the toilet – and the sink and the mirror and the bathtub and the toothbrushes and the towels…

Now go get ‘em coach!

Potty training is a difficult endeavour but it’s not impossible. Keep your eyes focused on the goal, be consistent and you’ll find your son is well on his way to being fully potty trained in time for the Senior Prom.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

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December 28, 2011

Welcome to this week’s instalment of WTF Wednesday where I don’t need to be an expert; I just need to know more than you.

This week’s question comes from a good friend who writes:

Dear IBMP,

Is getting a dog good preparation for having kids?

Yes, of course getting a dog is good preparation for having kids. They have many things in common and a properly chosen dog will, with just a few exceptions, teach you just about everything you need to know about having kids. And they don’t live as long so if you mess up you can always start again within 10 to 12 years. Your average kid lives a lot longer so you’re pretty much stuck with them once you bring them home.

Let’s take a quick look at some of the things you can learn from a dog about raising children:

1. Young dogs have lots of energy. So do children. Both species will tend to use that energy for evil instead of good if left unchecked.  Learning to properly crate them and walk them regularly will ensure a happy, healthy child and protect your furniture from undue harm at the same time.
2. Both dogs and children require obedience training. Dogs are considerably easier to train but will help you lay a strong foundation in the principles of obedience and prepare you for the more difficult task of training your child.
3. Dogs are always hungry and dog ownership is great preparation for having a growing child. A good rule of thumb is that it takes roughly three great Danes to equal a single male teenager’s consumptive habits.
4. Both species are quite fond of treats and can be easily bribed. Raising a dog is a great way to get used to always having something on hand to bribe your child. Note, however, that it has been my experience that Bacon Bites work better with most children than Snossages.
5. Both numbers three and four lead to the obvious conclusion that the better fed dogs and children are, the better behaved they will be.
6. While dogs are generally better at sharing than children, they do provide the opportunity to practice breaking up silly fights over stupid toys. Dogs will soon teach you that breaking up fights should be done with a long, sturdy stick or a fire hose set on full pressure. Not all parents agree with this technique so be prepared to grab your child and run immediately following its application.
7. Drool. Both species generate copious amounts. Just get used to it.
8. While dogs are better at waiting until you are not around and therefore smarter about not getting caught, both will test your patience when it comes to jumping on the furniture.
9. Dogs are excellent preparation for stepping on toys left in inconvenient and/or dangerous places.  Dogs do not generally play with Legos (one of the worst offenders among children’s toys) but stepping on a squeaky toy while sneaking up the stairs at 2:00 in the morning after a night out with the boys can be far more damaging in the long run.

There are, of course, many more things about raising a child that dog ownership can prepare you for. We’ve only had time to touch on a few here. I’m guessing our readers will be happy to contribute some of their own.

It is also important to note some of the things that dog ownership will not prepare you for—the differences between dogs and children.

1. Dogs don’t talk back.
2. Dogs are better at sitting and staying.
3. Dogs usually do things the first time they’re told.
4. Dogs clean up after themselves at dinnertime.
5. Dogs wipe their own butt right from the start . . . actually, what do they do? Ew. Never mind.
6. Dogs are grateful for just about everything you do.
7. Dogs love you whether you buy them Legos or not.
8. Dogs don’t ask why.
9. Dogs don’t complain nearly as much as kids do when you put them in the crate during dinner parties.
10. 10. Dogs don’t ever require “The Big Talk” (although a crowbar is sometimes required to pry your dog off of your guest’s leg).
11. 11. Birthdays are much less expensive and way easier to plan.
12. 12. The 10-second rule for food on the ground does not apply for dogs.
13. 13. Dogs are way easier to potty train.

OK, so maybe there are a lot of exceptions but clearly dog ownership is good preparation for having children. Of course, looking back through the differences one begins to wonder why we would want children at all. But then I’m reminded that one thing kids can do that dogs can’t is pick up all the poop in the backyard.  And I’m sure as hell not going to do it.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

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December 21, 2011

Welcome to another installment of WTF Wednesday, where all warrantees have long since expired.

Today’s question comes from Paulkellis (@paulkellis) who writes:

Dear IBMP,

Why is it when we hear our parents’ voices coming out of our mouths, we can’t stop it? Sometimes we don’t even try. So, why are we astonished when it happens?

First of all, for the benefit of our other readers, I should point out that Paul’s Gravatar image includes what appears to be a very sharp sword and I suspect that he knows how to use it. So if I seem a bit sycophantic or otherwise concerned about pissing him off in any way, you’ll understand I’m sure.

Well Mr. Ellis, that is without a doubt one of the best questions ever asked of the crack team here at IBMP. And I’ll just add that you looked truly dashing in that robe thingy you were wearing to whatever beheading you were at when your Gravatar picture was taken.

As for why we can’t stop it when we hear our parents’ voices coming out of our mouths, let me ask this: can you stop the unpleasant effluvium emanating from every pore for days after a triple garlic pesto pizza? Not a chance, right?  And why not? Because your body is so full of garlic even it doesn’t want to be in the same room as you.

My point is that when something is in there and has to get out it will find a way. So the first questions to ask are: Why is it in there? and, Why does it have to get out?

It’s in there because you’ve been absorbing it since you were floating around in mom’s womb and you’d hear your dad say, “When our baby is born I’m not going to be like my parents at all, I swear.”

As you no doubt now recognize, he was full of that joyful yet terribly misguided optimism that comes with watching your wife’s belly grow while listing all the things you hated about how you were raised and that you won’t do. By the way, those of you who are currently in that stage, save that list; it’s a perfect predictor of all the things you will do when you get a bit older.

So think of all that crap your parents do and say as the weird blue liquid they use in commercials and your brain is a diaper. And here’s the thing about being human diapers: you know how they always say we use only 10 percent of our brains? Well, that’s because the other 90 percent is reserved exclusively for storage of all the useless sayings, mannerisms and inflections that we’re absorbing from constant exposure to our parents.

It’s a lot of brain space but it is indeed finite. The average human begins to exceed the capacity of this storage around the age of 30. From that point on, the brain begins releasing these useless and often annoying bits of drivel back into the atmosphere.

You can’t stop it because in order to do so you would need to stop absorbing useless drivel thereby not putting further pressure on the brain to make room for it. That would mean avoiding watching most reality television, anything that has to do with politics, and just about everything on this blog. And nobody wants to give up reality TV.

As for why people are astonished when it happens, well all I can figure is that we’re in denial.  I mean you don’t have to be bloody Nostradamus to predict that you’ll become your parents. There’s even a whole blog about that very topic. If I can remember the name of it, I’ll pass it along…

Problem solved! You’re welcome.

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December 14, 2011

Welcome to this week’s WTF Wednesday where you ask questions and I don’t.

Today’s question comes anonymously through the magic of the internet.

Dear IBMP,

Why do parents embarrass their children?

We recently answered a question about why children feel the need to embarrass their parents. It seems it’s time to tackle the other half of the equation.

To truly understand our species and why we are the way we are, it is sometimes valuable to review where we’ve been. Let’s take a brief look at the history of human embarrassment.

The first known incidence of embarrassment among humans was when one unfortunately absent-minded caveman left his cave without fully securing his loincloth.  While attempting to impress a group of caveladies by juggling two saber-tooth tigers and a large porcupine, his loincloth dropped unceremoniously to the ground. The entire clan took immediate notice and the caveman grabbed the nearest thing available to cover his exposed cavemanly bits. That thing, unfortunately for the caveman, was the porcupine. Even if he had been able to remove all the quills, no cavelady wanted to have anything to do with the poor humiliated caveman.

Cavemen soon learned that embarrassing other cavemen was an effective way of getting the cavegirls for themselves. The ability to embarrass other members of the species became an important trait for being able to outcompete other males for mates.

Once the club was invented, early humans found that smashing a competitor’s brains in was a far more efficient means of getting the girls than giving him wedgies and posting “Kick Me” signs on his back. By this time, however, embarrassing others was deeply programmed in human DNA.

It was around this time in human history that language first appeared. This was a big step for early human parents as it was the beginning of such uniquely human characteristics as whining and pleading. For the first time, parents were being bombarded with high-pitched squeals about needing the new CaveBabe Barbie or Lego Star Wars Episode Negative 17,126.

While very tempting, tossing one’s child to the tigers is not a great evolutionary strategy and early cavegrown-ups were desperate for a way to threaten their children into behaving. Using their recently evolved embarrassment skills on their children proved largely ineffective at controlling their behavior but it sure as hell felt good.

It’s thought that if cavekids had not learned to speak, this parental embarrassment of children would not have been nearly as satisfying and may not have survived as a dominant trait. But they did, and it did.

Modern humans retain this trait. We see it in our parents and insist that we won’t be that way, but it’s in our DNA.

The answer to your question, then, is that we embarrass our children because we’re wired that way.

So kids, I suggest you just get over it; it’s not our fault.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

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December 7, 2011

Welcome to this week’s edition of WTF Wednesday where your questions are my reason to lie through my teeth.

Today’s question comes to us anonymously via the IBMP search term referrals.

Dear IBMP,

What are some considerations when talking to parents?

I’m forced to make some assumptions here.  I’m going to assume, for example, that you are not referring to your own parents. If you are of legal Googling age and still looking for considerations when talking to your parents, I’m afraid you are beyond help.

Assuming that you are looking for advice about communicating with others’ parents, you are most likely in that unfortunate position of being a pubescent teen or pre-teen preparing to meet your date’s parents.

Here at the IBMP Headquarters we take our job quite seriously. It’s for this reason that we only answer questions about which we have considerable expertise. That rules out the obvious: ancient Roman birdcall whistles, some of the finer points of goat’s milk cheesemaking, and programming most modern PVRs. Other than that, it’s pretty much all fair game.

My expertise in the area of dating has been made evident in various posts to date (like this one, this one and this one), and having a ten year-old, I’m quite familiar with the parental perspective on teen dating.  That is to say, you are in luck.

The range of scenarios is beyond the scope of this blog depending on how one wishes to interpret “parents”, whether you are the guy or the girl, whether your date is of the same or opposite sex to you and so on.  If the date is of the same sex, is this also a coming out moment for your date? You can see that this gets complicated quickly. We’ll keep it relatively simple and assume you’re the guy picking up the girl and meeting a mom and dad or the step-versions of one or the other.

Your ideal situation is one in which both the mom and the dad are together in the room at all times and your date is by your side. This is the safest situation as the mother will usually help keep the father in line and your date has the power of the stink eye to wield against her parents. Never underestimate the power of teen girl stink eye.

Here are some considerations:

1.  I’m not sure why this is, but your instinct will be to refer to them as “Sir” and “Ma’am.” Don’t. It’s not the bloody 18^th century. It sets up expectations that you’ll never be able to meet, not the least of which is the father’s expectation that you’ll actually ask his permission for his daughter’s hand in marriage.

2. Avoid ever being left alone with the father. Dads of daughters are wired in complex ways. If you find yourself in this situation, your best plan is to pretend you left something in the car and once outside, continue walking.

3.  One good rule of thumb when conversing with the father is to think like you’re at airport security: speak only when spoken to, never volunteer any information unless specifically asked to provide it, and never, ever joke about anything.

4.  Dad’s going to take one of two strategic tacks and either one sucks for you. Either he’ll look you in the eye and tell you that if you so much as touch his daughter he’ll rip your dick off and feed it to the dog, or he’ll get all chummy, offer you a beer and wink while asking if you’re hoping to get lucky tonight. In the first case, nod and look sincere while you pray it all ends quickly. In the second case, do not under any circumstances nod, smile, or otherwise return the chumminess. It’s a trap.  The proper response is something like, “No, Mr. Smith, I don’t drink. I haven’t had a drink since my castration.”

5. My wife suggests: don’t mention the motorcycle or that you can play Oh, Canada with your armpit. Also keep the times you’ve outrun the cops to yourself, and don’t kick the dog if he starts to hump your leg. Don’t hit on your date’s sister, and if you use the bathroom, put the *&#$! toilet seat down.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

I’m sure some of our readers will have recommendations for you as well.

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November 30, 2011

Well, it’s that time again: WTF Wednesday, where your best questions meet my worst answers.

Today’s question comes from Anna Nonamus (@AnnaNonamus). She runs a blog called Because You’re a Moron (I think she was talking about me but I can’t prove it).

Anna asks:

Dear IBMP,

Why do kids have to be embarrassing ass#*&$@s in front of other parents? Or is that just mine?

Ms. Nonamus, I have some disturbing news for you: It’s only yours. Nobody else’s kids ever do that kind of thing. Ask them; they’ll tell you.

OK, maybe some people’s kids do but mine doesn’t.

Well, sometimes he does.

More often than not, really, I suppose.

Anyway, for a question like this, I’ve turned to the expert. According to my son, there are four reasons for this behavior. In order of least to most important, they are:

4. They like the attention from others. Fair enough. My kid would do just about anything to get the room focused on him.

3. To make other people laugh. It seems that kids have learned that parents love to laugh at the misfortune of other parents. (Admit it, you know that’s true).

2. Just to be annoying. Because, in his words, “Parents get all angry and they have a really weird face when they get angry.”

But, according to my son, the biggest reason that kids like to embarrass their parents in front of other parents is:

1.  Payback.

Yup, that’s my son’s number one reason that kids like to embarrass their parents: payback for all the times we parents have embarrassed our kids. Which, according to my son is most of the time.

So there’s your answer, Anna.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

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November 23, 2011

Welcome to the eighth instalment of WTF Wednesday, where I have have a blog and that makes me qualified to answer your questions.

Today’s question comes via Twitter from John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) at Daddy’s in Charge? and was seconded by Scott (@ThisDaddys_Blog) from This Daddy’s Blog who write:

Dear IBMP,

Is there a way to get your son to pee in the center of the toilet and not all over the seat and nearby wall? I blame my wife.

OK, just to be clear, I think if there’s an expert in the house that should be teaching your son to pee properly, it’s probably the parent with the penis, so I wouldn’t be blaming the wife for this one.

I have no idea how single mothers handle this one but there are adult toy stores that carry products mothers can use for teaching purposes.

Now, in our home we’ve avoided this problem entirely by not letting our son know that standing is even an option. Today, at 10 years old he still thinks there’s an automatic valve that shuts off as soon as boys stand up. The only real issue it has caused is explaining what those funny bowl-shaped things on the wall in the  public men’s room are for. The first time he washed his hands in the urinal was a bit awkward for sure.

Clearly, you’ve chosen to tell your son he can pee standing up so we’ll make the best of that.

I’m guessing that you’ve tried the obvious things like floating a target in the toilet. That never works; it’s just way too much fun to pee on the wall. You need to get serious so let’s not mess around. Here’s your solution:

The trick is to create an electrified perimeter around the toilet bowl. In most cases, that stream of pee need only stray into that perimeter once and your son will be fully cured. Or cauterized. Maybe both. Either way, you won’t have any more pee on the wall.

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

Oh, and by the way, make sure you turn the thing off before your wife stumbles into the bathroom in the morning and sits down. I think she’d appreciate it.

Got a question? Fire away in the comments section.

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November 16, 2011

Welcome to the seventh instalment of WTF Wednesday where you spent more time thinking up a question than I spent thinking up an answer.

Today’s question comes to us from Lorna via the blog, who writes:

Dear IBMP,

How do I get my son to pick up his toys? Note: my son is 25 and lives in another city with 2 room mates. They aren’t very good at picking up their toys either, but I’m not their mother, so to heck with them.

STOP! Do not approach the piles on the floor until you have confirmed what they may contain. I do not have a 25 year-old but I have been one and I know what can be lurking in those piles. This is not a job for the squeamish, people with compromised immune systems, people who are, could be or hope some day to become pregnant, or anyone with the slightest bit of self-respect for that matter. Do not attempt to remove any items yourself unless there is a clear and immediate threat to life and– no, actually, just life; I’d let some poor bastard lose a limb before I waded into a free-range 25 year-old’s floor piles to get him.

You have indicated that your son lives in another city. I’m assuming this was due to your decision to pack up, sell your house and move elsewhere without informing him in an effort to keep his dirty laundry from fouling your washing machine. Clearly you’re a smart woman so I’ll also assume you’ve tried the easy stuff like arson, and get right to some other, less obvious approaches to solving your problem.

It will probably come as a surprise, but I don’t actually have all the answers to everything. Here at IBMP, we thought it would be a good idea to bring in some expert advice from an actual serial offender: my son. If we can understand the mind of the serial floor-piler, we may be able to find a way to stop it.

In an exclusive interview with IBMP, my son has revealed for the first time what motivates him to offend. Here’s what he has to say, in his own words, about why he leaves his toys everywhere:

I leave my toys on the floor because I find it’s easier to find and I feel more comfortable with stuff on the floor. Another reason that I leave them there is so I can hide and watch my parents step on my Hot Wheels and slide across the floor, and so I can step on a toy by accident, fall and break my arm or leg and not have to go to school.

Well, I don’t know about you, but that clears up a lot for me.

I spoke to him about your problem, Lorna, and he had this advice for you:

For somebody who wants to stop it, threaten to lock the person in the closet and they can’t come out all day except for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Breakfast, lunch and dinner should be liver and boiled broccoli and for dessert is Brussels sprouts. And you tell them you’ll lock them in a dungeon with a fire-breathing dragon because they’ll probably believe in fairy tales, and you do this until they start cleaning up their room.

When asked what else you should say if the offender is older–say, 25, he suggested you say: “Grow up!”

Problem solved. You’re welcome!

Got a question for the IBMP experts? Ask it below. The advice is free and worth every penny!

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November 9, 2011

Welcome to the sixth instalment of WTF Wednesday where the advice is totally free and worth every penny.

Today’s question comes to us from ThinLine via the blog, who writes:

Dear IBMP,

Here’s my question: how do you handle it when your toddler decides to have a tantrum in the middle of a department store?

Well my first response would be to freak because I don’t have a toddler. But enough about me; let’s talk about my opinions.

The answer depends on whether you have adequately prepared for your trip to the department store or whether you are in the unfortunate majority who have not yet taken the time to prepare an emergency tantrum kit. It only takes a few minutes but the peace of mind lasts a lifetime.

Let’s go over the list.

Duct tape. One roll is sufficient for the average sized toddler but be sure to check it regularly and replace it when it gets  down to about a third.

Bullet-proof vest. It seems a bit extreme until you find yourself standing in a crowded store surrounded by angry people who have either not yet had kids themselves or have managed to forget that their kids were just like yours back in the day.

Xanax. Whether you or the child take it is up to you. It’s also good to have enough on hand to offer to the employee that’s helping you try on those shoes.

iPod with noise-cancelling headphones. This is more so you don’t have to listen to the angry childless people who actually have the nerve to approach you to suggest you and your offspring take it outside.

Until stores wise up and install these kits alongside defibrillators, in the restrooms and behind the counters, you’ll need to be prepared. Now, I’m sure you’ve got emergency tantrum kits in each car, but it’s always a good idea to keep kits at the homes of relatives as well.

But there are times when even the best planning can leave you caught without a kit. In those cases, it’s about damage control.

There are a few techniques you can try:

1. Always try and shop with a kid that’s louder than yours.

2. If you have a stroller, roll your child up next to a childless couple and quietly sneak off. The more they act like it’s not their child, the more people will be convinced that it is.

3. If your toddler is a boy, you can postpone your department store shopping and head to a women’s shoe store. There isn’t a male alive that can manage to stay awake in a women’s shoe store. The kid will be out in three minutes.

Problem solved. Glad I could help!

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November 2, 2011

Welcome to the fifth instalment of WTF Wednesday where there are no stupid questions. I can’t make the same promise about the answers, however.

Today’s question comes from an anonymous person, via one of the search engines, who writes:

Dear IBMP,

What are the things to be considered to be a parent?

It’s great that you’re thinking ahead, Anonymous. The only problem with it is that you have time to realize what you’d be getting into. If we all took the time to think about it before breeding, our species would likely go extinct within a few generations. But you asked and it’s my obligation as a highly qualified expert-like person to help.

I’ve listed 6 important considerations below. That’s the most I can do without charging.

Consideration 1: Take a good long look at that person. Do you really want to have sex with them?

Sure you could adopt or, if you’re a celebrity, you can get one of those designer kids from some underdeveloped country. But the majority of parents still do it the old fashioned way. You did know you’d have to do that, right?

Consideration 2: Have you done the math?

Timing is critical. This is something that surprisingly few people really consider prior to getting to work on a new critter. A large number of children, for example are born approximately 9 months after college spring break. I don’t know why. But that pops them out in December or January, which is a crappy time to be born.

Consideration 3: How much cash do you have? You’ll need more.

New parents frequently find themselves coming home with their new little poop machine and panicking when they realize that these things cost money. It starts with diapers, progresses to new clothes once a week, piano lessons, fixing the dents in the car, replacing broken furniture, college, bail payments, etc.

Consideration 4: How’s your tolerance for odor?

Being financially prepared is one thing, but what makes you gag? To test your preparedness, try pouring some fresh milk under the seat of your car on a warm day. Park it in the sun and return 5 hours later; take the car for a long drive with the windows up. If you can last more than 2 hours, you’re ready.

Consideration 5: How’s your tolerance for pain?

The most accurate test of readiness would be to lay a swath of Legos across a hardwood floor, strap a 30 pound weight on your back, take off your shoes and walk across your new Lego carpet. If you can make it from one end of the living room to the other with only G-rated outbursts, you’re ready.

Consideration 6: Do you like making the same request over and over to no avail?

Children come pre-programmed to ignore all parental requests until a specific set of conditions have been met. These include neck vein protrusion of a quarter inch or more, a parental decibel level of 180 or greater, and threats of significant punishment deemed highly credible by the child.

This is not an exhaustive list, but I’m exhausted making it. I’m sure that readers will have considerations of their own. Some of them are bloggers and that makes them highly qualified to give advice, whether solicited or not.

Good luck in your deliberations and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Problem solved. Glad I could help!

If you’ve got a question you want answered, leave it below or use the Contact page. Yours might just be next week’s WTF Wednesday question.

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October 26, 2011

Welcome to the fourth instalment of WTF Wednesday where we’re questioning life’s most pressing answers.

Today’s question comes from Totsymae (@totsymae) who writes:

Dear IBMP,

I have a 15 year old daughter, constantly asking to get piercings. I allowed an extra ear piercing. What’s the best way to dissuade her from that navel piercing she keeps asking for? I’m really tired of just saying no and need a way to convince her this is not a good idea with solid reasoning.

Well, I can promise you reasoning, but I don’t know how solid it’ll be. I could probably manage somewhat viscous, though.

I’ve given this some thought in case my son decides to go that route. I’d prefer that he retain the same number of holes that he was born with.  Actually, fewer would be pretty cool if I get to decide which ones go and which stay.

There is one surefire way to keep your daughter from doing just about anything: You do it first.

That’s right. Go out and get a big silver stud on your navel and parade around in a short top in front of your daughter’s friends. She’ll never go near a piercing shop again. If you want to be absolutely sure, get a few nipple rings, too.

Mom doing it first just sucks the coolness right out of anything. In fact, the technique will work with tattoos as well. I’d even hazard a guess that it would work with that boy you don’t want her to go out with.*

Problem solved. Glad I could help!

Ask your question below. Maybe yours will be picked next week and all your problems will melt away like they just did for Totsymae.

* My lawyers have just required me to add the following: I do not, in any way, intend to suggest, imply or otherwise create the impression (even though it would totally work) that anyone should seek to date a guy that their daughter is interested in as a means of deterring said daughter from doing so.  Even though I totally know what I’m talking about, readers are advised to consult their doctor, shrink, wedding counselor, BFF or any random person over the age of 11 before even considering doing anything discussed on this blog. Have a nice day and don’t sue me.
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October 19, 2011

Welcome to the third instalment of WTF Wednesday where your parenting questions are sort of answered.

Today’s question comes via Twitter from Kasia (@PolPrairieMama) who writes:

Dear IBMP