Past Words Of the Day
The I’ve Become My Parents Dictionary of Parenting Terms
If you like what you’re seeing here, download the IBMP Dictionary of Parenting Terms — it’s packed with way more than 150 funny and all-too-true terms like these. There are even 26 never-before-seen cartoons! It doesn’t get better than that, eh? It’s an ebook and it’s available at Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble right now! You do not need a special ebook reader! Just download a free app for your Mac, PC, tablet or smartphone.
Every day I post a new word in the sidebar. Well, most days anyway. These ones already had their moment of fame and now, like so many 80s bands, they just sit around waiting for someone to ask what happened to them. Well, this is what happened to them:
HORMONES: Chemicals that transform immature children into smelly, distracted, lustful immature children.
TEN MINUTES: The average life expectancy of a toddler’s toy.
YES: A child’s standard response to, “Did you remember your homework?” Usually followed by a trip back to school to get the homework.
VALENTINE’S DAY: The holiday that teaches kids that no matter how much you hate that kid in your class, you still have to give him candy once a year.
CEREBRAL ADORETEX: The part of a parent’s brain that causes them to say things like, “My sweet little billy would NEVER do that.”
WAIT LOSS: The hours of time each week wasted by parents as they wait for their children.
LATER: A mythical time when what children say they’ll do actually occurs. Not yet proven to exist.
BED: Furniture that repels children on weekend mornings but won’t let them go on school days.
HOW CUTE: What parents say the first time their toddlers do something. Followed by SOMEBODY SHOOT ME the subsequent 1,000 times.
JACKET: What a freezing, whiney 8 year-old insisted he didn’t need to wear.
IMAGINATION: A skill developed by young children to invent games and later used to invent excuses.
YOUR TURN: A phrase spoken by one parent to the other, meaning “The baby just had explosive diarrhea.”
UNTIED: An obsolete term that used to refer to shoelaces (see UNVELCROED).
VOLUME CONTROL: A feature that would come standard if parents designed children.
SHHH: A sound made by parents and interpreted by toddlers to mean, “Say that again only this time with a louder, whinier voice.”
CARTOONS: Half-hour children’s toy infomercials separated by commercials for more children’s toys.
PUBERTY: A process that transforms immature children into bigger, moodier, sweatier immature children.
IMAGINATION: To a child, the same as reality only more convenient.
BLAME: Something that, like toys, children never want to share.
TOILET: A fixture used by young boys to estimate roughly where their pee should go.
JOKE: What a child insists he was doing once he realizes how upset his parents are.
BACK SEAT: A 10 year-old’s idea of where the garbage can is.
POTTY TRAINING: A learning process in which parents develop the skills necessary to give up and try again in 6 months.
INCESSANT: The type of noise a 10year-old boy makes.
PATIENCE: A quality that, like sanity, children lack and parents quickly lose.
JACKET: Outerwear that children refuse to keep on when it’s cold and refuse to take off when it’s warm.
ONE: The number of children it takes to destroy a house in five minutes.
VACATION: A trip that takes families years to afford, months to plan, days to pack for, and a lifetime to recover from.
ZERO: The number of intact pairs of mittens a parent can expect to have within a month of purchase.
X-RAY: A device used on toddlers to locate a parent’s jewelry.
QUIET: A product which, if packaged, could be sold to parents for enormous amounts of money.
OUTSIDE: A code used by parents to mean “anywhere but here.” Example: “Hey, why don’t you kids go play outside.”
ZERO: The number of intact sets of mittens a parent can expect to have within one month after purchase.
UNDER: A term associated with a child’s belongings after cleaning one’s room. Common uses include “under the bed” and “under the rug.”
GIRLS: What boys do with the other 90 per cent of their brain.
CEREBRAL ENCORETEX: The part of a child’s brain responsible for reciting the same joke ten times within an hour.
CEREBRAL DEPLORETEX: The part of a child’s brain that causes them to hate certain foods without ever trying them.
CEREBRAL IGNORETEX: The part of a child’s brain that causes them to hear only what the kid wants to hear.
SNOWBAWL: A painful mixture of snow and rocks thrown by excited children trying to have a snowball fight after the first half-inch of snow of the season.
PRE-PARENTAL PLANNING: The tendency for kids to make plans with friends before asking their parents.
TWICE: Average number of times a child leaves school each day. Once when the bell rings and once after returning for what they forgot.
FLOORSTALL: A child’s attempt to delay the inevitable by dragging himself slowly along the floor as if gravity increased threefold.
SLEEPOVER: What parents are thrilled to say “yes” to until they learn it’s at their house.
ILL-USION: A child’s sickness in which the only symptom is a desire to stay home and play all day.
PASTA POUTING: When a child drops to the floor like a wet noodle because they don’t want to do something.
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Looking for past Words of the Day? | I've become my parents →
May 18th, 2011 → 3:57 pm[...] Skip to content HomeAbout this blogFavorite tweets from othersFavorite tweets of minePast Words Of the Day ← Just kiss [...]
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Definitions you should be aware of. | Confessions of a Cat Woman →
November 4th, 2011 → 3:11 pm[...] Parents’ definitions of words. [...]
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Definition von „disease vector“ / definição da palavra „disease vector“ « stelirafi →
November 8th, 2011 → 12:27 pm[...] Dort werden Schulkinder als Krankheitsüberträger definiert. Es hat noch viele lustige weitere Definitionen immerhin was zum ein bisschen [...]
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“Words of the Day” | contributingeducation →
December 2nd, 2011 → 1:30 pm[...] THIS is hilarious. [...]
banbamama
June 24, 2011
I still have a dessert space
I've Become My Parents
July 3, 2011
As do I, and I think it’s bigger than the other!
audreywilsen
June 30, 2011
I so wish I had carried a notebook around with me those 4 years I worked in a kindergarten in Oslo, to make notes like this. Priceless!!
I've Become My Parents
July 3, 2011
I bet! I’ve only got one kid and look at all the stuff he helps me generate.Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
lovethebadguy
June 30, 2011
OMG! These were hilarious!
Yes, I definitely remember arguing about the “Dessert” portion of my stomach, as well as the frequent “StayAwakeOvers” that my cousin and I used to have.
The “Why Chromosome”, the “Prepunctual Cortex”, “Dr Hykyll” and the “Cardboard Box” – everything is so familiar!
…Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to go apologise to my mother…
I've Become My Parents
July 3, 2011
Ha! Tell your mother I sent you…
Thanks for your comments. I’m glad this stuff looks so familiar to you…or, maybe I’m sorry it does…anyway, thanks for reading!
cath
August 27, 2011
Sad to say, I’ve lived through all of these with my kids and am now into the second generation repeats. I had to laugh while reading them. Our six year old granddaughter recently said, when we told her she looked tired: “I’m not tired, I just look that way.” From the mouths of babes…
Thanks for a wonderful post!
~cath
Forbidden Fruit
September 18, 2011
Quotables!
Parenthood has certainly turned you into a comic
I've Become My Parents
September 19, 2011
It’s a survival mechanism
minlit
November 4, 2011
Ah, the universal truths….
Do you know this one: Ambidisastrous. Most parents of young children tend towards this condition to some extent. It means the ability to do things with either hand, badly.
minlit
November 4, 2011
….Also, the nautical mile. The distance run when your naughtiness is discovered.
I've Become My Parents
November 7, 2011
My son must be a marathon runner, then!
I've Become My Parents
November 7, 2011
Haha! I love it!
d@rk_@ngel_kn!ght
November 4, 2011
HI! Can I share this? I haven’t trying sharing thru my WordPress blog yet but I hope I’ll get it right though by pressing that “share” button up there.
I've Become My Parents
November 4, 2011
Share, share, share. Yes please!
andraya
November 4, 2011
Don’t show this to my parents; they might get ideas.
I've Become My Parents
November 7, 2011
Don’t worry, it’s just the internet. Who’s gonna see it?
Best Knickers Always
November 6, 2011
I love it! Made me laugh out loud with my 21 year old son saying ‘shush mum, be quiet’!! Genius!
I've Become My Parents
November 7, 2011
Thanks! And the best part? I got to participate in annoying your 21 year old son!
missoulagrace
November 6, 2011
Best thing I have read in a while. (As a parent of a three year old, the two pages of my book I get to a night don’t count. For anything.)
I've Become My Parents
November 7, 2011
Trust me, I know the 2 pages/night thing. Thanks a bunch for the comment!
preepal
November 7, 2011
I’m still in school myself, but I still find this funny. It is a little embarrassing but hilarious nevertheless!
I've Become My Parents
November 7, 2011
I’m glad you came by! No need to be embarrassed, we’ve all been there
stelirafi
November 8, 2011
We liked your blog so much, we shared it with all of our relatives in Germany, Switzerland and Portugal. At the moment we have a living proof at home of a “disease vector” who has played too much “cold and flu”
I've Become My Parents
November 8, 2011
Thanks for sharing the blog! Sorry about the expert “cold and flu” player in your home
Just try not to let them play too often!
looloo
February 15, 2012
In French, we say “before, I had principles, now I have children”…
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
February 15, 2012
Ha! How come the French speakers have all the great sayings? And I suspect that you only share certain ones with the rest of us.
Thanks for that laugh, Looloo!
LookingfortheSweetSpot
March 26, 2012
Love this!! My favorite is “Later” – ha! “not proven to exist”. I knew it!!!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
March 29, 2012
Sad, but true. Thanks for stopping by!