Son, you used to use the word “why” constantly: “Why is the sky blue?” “Why do dogs lick their weewees?” “Why are you sleeping on the couch again?” You had an insatiable curiosity. Now, “Why?” is reserved for use only after I ask you to do something.
For example:
“Cheeky, please clean your room,”
“Why?” you ask, as if it actually matters.
I’ve always tried to avoid using the “Because I said so” approach, so I say things like this:
“Because it’s a mess and we can’t vacuum or dust when it’s like this.”
As a result, our conversations look like this:
“No it’s not,” you say.
“Clean it up anyway,” I say, because you don’t actually get to decide whether my request is worth doing.
“But it’s not a mess, so I don’t have to,” you whine back, still under the illusion that my request was just a recommendation to be considered among all the other options for what to do with your time.
Seeing that you clearly need a better understanding of the actual options available to you, I say:
“Do it or you lose screen time for the weekend. Your choice.”
Rather than clarify the situation, my statement causes you to forego all rational thought, drop to the floor and begin rolling side-to-side while kicking at the air and screaming:
“You don’t understand! Why aren’t you listening to me? I don’t have to clean my room because it’s not messy. If my room was messy, I’d have to clean it, but it’s not so I don’t have to. Why don’t you understand that?”
Still hopelessly clinging to logic, thinking that somehow it would work this time, I respond:
“I am listening. I hear you say you don’t have to clean your room because it’s not messy, but it is messy and you do have to clean it.”
To which you respond, at 3-times the volume and 10-times the intensity:
“See? You aren’t listening to me! I told you it’s not messy. If you were listening to me you’d have heard that.”
Using my calm grown-up tone, I say:
“I guess you’ve made your choice then. No screen time this weekend.”
Disproving my theory that you could not possibly get more loud and unreasonable, you shout:
“I did not lose screen time because you don’t understand! I don’t have to clean my room because it’s not messy, so I still have screen time. Why aren’t you listening to me?”
Finally, when we’re way past any chance of salvaging our evening, I remember that there’s only one adult in this conversation and stop trying to apply logic where it just doesn’t fit.
I still don’t like “Because I said so,” so I’m thinking of trying a few of these:
Because cleaning your room is less painful than the alternative.
Because if I have to do it, whatever’s on the floor goes to charity.
Because when your room’s a mess I get irritable, and when I’m irritable you don’t get dessert.
Because I’ll chaperone every dance you attend for the rest of your life if you don’t.
Because negotiating with a tired 11 year-old makes me want to stick a fork in my eye and I like my eyesight.
Because the neighbors won’t want to be awakened by the events that ensue if you don’t.
Because you don’t get to decide if my request is valid.
Because drama is not an adequate substitute for logic.
Because when I say, “I disagree,” you hear, “I don’t understand.”
Because– wait a minute, why the hell am I trying to fit my parental request into your warped 11 year-old logic? I’m sorry you don’t agree that it should happen but do it anyway because I’ve decided you must do it and I’m actually the only adult in this conversation, dammit!
Hey, that sounds a lot like, “Because I said so.” Hmmm…
DiatribesAndOvations.com
January 8, 2013
Sometimes it really is the ONLY answer they need.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
January 8, 2013
I still can’t get myself to come right out and say, “Because I said so.” But I’ve got no problem with, “Because you’ll be miserable if you don’t.”
DiatribesAndOvations.com
January 8, 2013
I admit that I’ve used the phrase on more than one occasion. My mother was the Queen of Because I Said So!
amberperea
January 8, 2013
I love this! I certainly grew up to be my mom and I couldn’t be prouder 🙂
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
January 8, 2013
It’s nice to hear that. Maybe, just maybe, someday my son will be able to say the same. Although I’m quite certain he won’t want to inherit the absent-mindedness, short attention span, procrastination, anxiety and adult acne that would come with growing up to be me!
amberperea
January 8, 2013
Ha ha, we will, though, and he will still be proud! I inherited the good and the bad of being by mother (strength but a touch over opinionated ;)) but the wonderful thing that happens in adulthood is that you learn to respect your parents so much after you have children of your own that every part of them is wonderful in it’s own way.
Queenie
January 8, 2013
Haha! Love it! I remember it well. ‘I told you so’ just didn’t cut it with my son. I spent many a Sunday battling over tiding the bedroom, some days it would take all day to get it done and it never ended well. I ended up putting all his things in bin liners and took all furniture, tv, etc out of his room, leaving just a bed, bedding and boring clothes. He had to earn every little thing back by doing a job around the house everyday. It took a couple of weeks for him to get it all back, but I never had a problem again, it was almost a turning point in his behaviour. Writing this down it does a bit harsh to me, but it worked for my son he ended up appreciating his ‘things’ better!
So good luck and I am glad I don’t have to do that anymore! Xx
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
January 8, 2013
See, that’s kidlogic: I don’t want to clean my room because I think it’s a waste of time, so I’ll spend the entire day rolling on the floor whining about it thereby wasting the entire day.
Thanks for sharing that story…sometimes you have to take drastic measures!
Maybe someday, my son will be sitting in my nursing home telling me he’s going to take away the TV remote if I continue to refuse to allow the nurse to change my diaper…
jeandayfriday
January 8, 2013
I have bitten my tongue a few times before saying “because I said so!” I do feel like sometimes my dudes push me to the breaking point by arguing with me when I ask them to do something. I am, most definitely, becoming my parents! 🙂
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
January 8, 2013
If your dudes are arguing with you about your comparison of the music they like to fingernails on a chalkboard then, yes, you are indeed becoming your parents.
68ghia
January 8, 2013
i closed their doors. Was their problem if they were embarassed by the messy room when they had friends over.
that’s actually a quick way of letting a teenager know anything – what does my friends think of this…
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
January 8, 2013
Oh, yeah. I’m a big fan of the, “Well that’s up to you but I suggest you not have any friends over, like, ever” approach. I’m pretty sure that’ll be the only thing that gets him to bathe ever again, too…
The Real Mummy
January 8, 2013
Haha, love this post. My niece is 3 and always thinks she knows better… she’s THREE! Dreading the day I go through this with my one ha
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
January 8, 2013
I’m pretty sure this is why boarding school was invented 😉
The Real Mummy
January 8, 2013
LOOOOOOL why didn’t I think of that?! Then the teachers I pay for can deal with it instead of me! Awesome!!
kmichel73
January 8, 2013
You must be spying on my life!
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
January 9, 2013
Bwahahahahaha! Yes I am. I’m Santa Claus. What else would I have to do this time of year?
Portland Dad
January 8, 2013
My kids, at 4 and 6, have used both version of the why and there are times when I answer “Because Purple!” It makes just as much sense to them as “Because I said so”
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
January 9, 2013
Makes total sense to me.
“Why should I have to clean my room?”
“Because Purple!”
Yup. Total sense.
Cynthia M
January 9, 2013
I learned early that what I think of as being respectful by giving reasons, they hear as the opening argument of the debate. They don’t like “Because I said so,” but they understand it.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
January 9, 2013
Yes. It seems that we’re just shifting the “Because I said so” to another part of the conversation, but it’s still there…after a long, protracted, upsetting and frustrating debate between two people with irreconcilable differences in the way they know and understand the world–that of the adult, and that of the child.
Instead of “because I said so” being the answer to “why do I have to clean my room?” it becomes the answer to “why do I have to do it even though I disagree with your reasons for telling telling me to do it.” If it’s not negotiable, I’ll certainly tell you why you need to do it; I’ll listen to why you believe you shouldn’t (that’s showing you respect), but YOU STILL MUST DO IT. Why? Because I, your parent, am telling you that it must be done.
gina valley
January 9, 2013
As parents we usually know better. As children, and especially teens, they disagree. If I’ve made it clear why something should be, then “because I said so” would be perfectly acceptable. But, rarely, do disagreements get that far. If it’s that far, they are probably being disrespectful and that is whole different problem.
I’ve explained to my kids that there are things they will never agree with me on, but they can rest assured that no one wants the best for them more than I do. So, if I have all of the relevant info and tell them to do something they disagree with, they need to realize that “because I said so” is implied and a good enough reason. Someday they will understand why I said so. Right now, they are not always able to and just have to accept that I know better, whether they agree or not.
I’m the boss. They’re not. That’s a good thing because they are not ready to be the boss. I’m looking forward to the day when I will happily hand over that title to them.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
January 9, 2013
Nicely put, Gina.
Cindy Dwyer
January 9, 2013
Wait, wait, wait a minute. Don’t I recall reading a post about you at YOUR high school dances? I think you can disregard that option as a threat, unless you want to lose all credibility.
And yes, boys have a way of turning the argument into something else entirely as an effective means of derailing and shifting blame. They are clever that way. We love them anyway. 🙂
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
January 10, 2013
Hmmm, you do have a point there, Cindy. I knew this whole blog thing would end up biting me in the butt someday.
Yes, we do love them anyway, don’t we? Damn our animal instincts! Always mucking things up so we end up not tossing our kids out on their heinies by the time they’re five.
j david
January 10, 2013
love the bit about chaperoning to every dance for the rest of their life-priceless-I’m going to steal it
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
January 10, 2013
Just don’t tell your kid it was my idea–I’m still working on renewing my life insurance.
CanadianDadBlog
January 13, 2013
Strange. 11 doesn’t sound that much different from 4….I guess it’s going to be a long ride then, haha.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
January 13, 2013
Yeah, sorry about the bad news. I heard it does eventually get better once they’ve grown up and have kids of their own.
mommytheiconoclast
January 14, 2013
I’ve been using a version of that called “I don’t know! Life is just like that. It’s a good question though.” I call it the “Columbo approach”. Mind you the child I am using that on is barely 3.
Barmy Rootstock (IBMP)
January 16, 2013
That’s a solid strategy if you ask me. “Look, it wasn’t my idea to have kids clean their rooms; that’s just how it is. We should ask someone why, but in the mean time, go clean your room.”
I’m liking that!
Emily Eastham
January 18, 2013
I wish my parents were educating me in the same way (obviously more female appropriate), you don’t have a daughter to educate?
Misty
January 31, 2013
I use “because I am the adult and I can make the rest of your life miserable”
Sister for Sister
March 17, 2013
I love love the
Because I’ll chaperone every dance you attend for the rest of your life if you don’t.
I think this would scare any child enough for change.. This is a REAL threat!