Well hello there. Every once in a while I gather together some of my favorite Tweets and post them here just to give them a second chance at life. Here’s a bunch from the last month or so. If you don’t use Twitter, congratulations on having a life. If you do, you’ll find me tweeting as @IBecameMyDad.
And if you want to know a bit more about how to read a tweet, pop over to this little primer. In no time you’ll have your own Twitter account and be well on your way to having no life, too.
On random thoughts
I wanted to be a pilot but it’s way too hard. I couldn’t trim a mustache evenly if my life depended on it.
It’s a shame plumbers have lost their branding edge now that everyone shows their butt crack.
Am I the only one for whom the word “waistline” is plural?
I need a motivational speaker who does house calls.
A man’s 40s are a time of growth and discovery. You’ll grow ear hair, nose hair, grey hair and discover random rogue hairs all over.
Your twenties are a time of independence funded largely by a dependence on mom and dad’s money.
I really thought that with Twitter, we’d be more accurate with our Elvis sightings.
Pigeons would be just like flying rats, except rats have more self-respect.
I just got a blog comment that, if you take out the word “ridiculous”, is awesome!
Ever notice that the amount a child plays with a toy is inversely proportional to the cost of the toy?
On this day in 1873, a boy in the back of a wagon said, “Are we there yet?”
My granddad was one of a long line of Jewish leprechauns. Used to carry around a 6-leaf clover. The Clover of David.
Turns out Twitter’s not so good for inside jokes.
BIG GIVEAWAY: I’m giving away free laundry to the first 20 people who promise to return it clean!!
Dear @Twitter , I average 115 characters per tweet. You owe me 211,900 characters as of today.
OK wait, do I “post posts”, “blog blogs”, “post blogs”, “blog posts”, “post blog posts”, “blog blog posts”? …I’m so confused.
I’m doing research for my How to Get Rich on the Internet book. Would you each please send me $100? Thanks.
I checked with a dentist: teeth don’t have skin. All those times I thought I just made it, turns out I didn’t. Damn.
For those who are following along, no I’m not rich yet.
I’ve decided I would totally love my child unconditionally if he had Volume Control and Sleep Mode.
Yes, that’s right. I am the guy who cuts his entire lawn with a Weed Whacker because he’s too lazy to pull the mower out of storage.
Happy Victoria Day, Canada! Although I still don’t get why we’re celebrating drafty old houses on the East Coast.
Right, my bad. Turns out they named a queen after those drafty old East Coast houses and we’re celebrating her. Never mind.
I don’t know what surprises me more: that someone keeps trying to send me a FAX, or that someone actually still uses a FAX machine.
If I had a dollar for every time I tweeted this, I’d have a dollar.
So my son wanted to protest Mother’s Day because there’s no Kid’s Day. Misplaced social activism.
In an effort to gain a half a million followers by Tuesday, I’m going to start using the word “boob” more often in my tweets.
Why does @iLikeGirlsDaily have half a million followers and I only have a couple thousand? I like girls too, you know.
I practice attachment parenting all the time. I mostly use duct tape. I can attach my kid to just about anything and get my work done.
On this day in 1597, a boy told his mom he was bored and had nothing to do. She was pissed and through out both his toys.
Turns out Lady Gaga isn’t a transvestite alien from Mars sent to convince us humans that we should all be running around in our underwear.
Wow, they still sell condoms in the public bathrooms in Montreal. Too bad I’m not a total slut so I could take advantage of them.
Not quite a quote: Absinthe makes the heart go wander.
So if we call perpetrators perps, do we call assailants asses?
I want to get one of those computer monitor shields that keep people at work from seeing your screen. What’re they called? Facebook Guards?
Dear most of you, please look up “penultimate”. You’re using it incorrectly. This has been a Public Service Announcement.
So if my grey hair makes me look old, why don’t my zits make me look young? Getting older is so unfair.
OK, folks, this is Twitter. “Breaking” news stopped breaking two minutes after it broke. Now it’s just news.
Dude, those two uncontrolled Dobermans aren’t going to make your penis seem bigger any more than your Hummer will. Just sayin’
To the guy who suggested I go f*ck myself yesterday: I went home and tried it. Felt really good but didn’t work: you’re still an a$$hole.
The good news: kids are born thinking their parents are the smartest people ever. The bad news: they’re also born with eyes and ears.
On features kids would have if parents designed them
Features kids would have if parents designed them no. 17: tow package
Features kids would have if parents designed them 16: Independent suspension
Features kids would have if parents designed them 16: Rear wipers
Features kids would have if parents designed them 15: cup holders
Features kids would have if parents designed them 14: self-parking
Features kids would have if parents designed them 13: Built-in privacy protection
Features kids would have if parents designed them 12: A measurable attention span.
Features kids would have if parents designed them 11: Fold-out blinders for passing the toy isle at Walmart
Features kids would have if parents designed them 10: Instructions, in English, with diagrams.
Features kids would have if parents designed them 9: Auto-recline
Features kids would have if parents designed them 8: Automatic upgrades
Features kids would have if parents designed them 7: Anti-theft device
Features kids would have if parents designed them 6: Low-energy setting
Features kids would have if parents designed them 5: Sleep mode
Features kids would have if parents designed them 4: Self-cleaning
Features kids would have if parents designed them 3: Snooze button
Features kids would have if parents designed them 2: Unlimited lifetime return policy
Features kids would have if parents designed them 1: volume control