Welcome to this week’s installment of WTF Wednesday, where one man’s bad vice is another man’s ad vice. Take your time, I’ll wait…
This week’s question was asked of Google, who turned around and tossed it to IBMP. Google knows good advice when it sees it. For some reason, though, it still recommended IBMP as the go-to site for this question. The question being:
How can I scare my parents?
Look, I’m sure you have your legitimate reasons for wanting to scare your parents. No doubt you’ve exhausted all your other options, or maybe your parents specifically requested you scare the bajeezus out of them for, you know, fun or something. Perhaps you’re planning to use it for good instead of evil, inflicting its power on super villain parents who are holding their Mini-Me kids hostage as part of an untoward plot to take over the known universe. In that case, your selflessness is commendable.
But the truth is, you’re probably just looking to get even for all the times they’ve made you take swimming lessons or eat your broccoli. I’m sure I speak on behalf of all would-be victim parents when I say:
“Why didn’t anyone tell me how to do that stuff when I was a kid?”
Seriously, where was I when I was growing up? No parenting guru blogger was dumping free advice on my Commodore 64 when I needed it. I had to figure this stuff out the hard way: I had to watch my brothers get in trouble and come up with a better way all by myself. Hell, 99% of the people who work at Google weren’t even born yet.
Of course, this is the modern world and you have bloggers like me pumping advice directly to your Commodore 64 every Wednesday. Lucky you.
So let’s get on to some expert advice:
The trick to seriously freaking out your folks is making them think there’s something dangerously wrong with you. Now I know where you’re going with this and, trust me, it’s the wrong direction. Broken leg, going blind, crippling ice cream-eating disorder–parents see through that crap in a second. Light a match under the thermometer and the 175 degree temperature kind of gives you away.
If you really want to scare your parents into thinking something’s terribly wrong with you, try one of these tricks:
- Say you’re going to do something and then actually do it
- Start eating your broccoli
- Be home by midnight
- Clean your room
- Declare your celibacy until marriage
- Start doing your homework the first time you’re asked
- Share your dessert
- Agree to go to the mall with your mom on Saturday night
- Sit patiently while mom’s in the shoe store
- Actually write down the message when somebody calls
- Put the TV remote where others have a chance of finding it
- Fold some laundry
- Take “no” for an answer
- Admit that about some things your parents know more than you do
- Offer to pay for something. Anything.
- Wipe the counter after making a sandwich
- Don’t put the empty milk carton back in the fridge
- Notice that mom got her hair done
- Clean your glasses with something other than your shirt
- Go to bed on time
- Say a complete sentence without using the word “like”
Pick a few of these and try them out on your parents. If they don’t grab the phone to report that their child’s been kidnapped or has gone frighteningly mad, I’ll refund your money plus 10%.
Problem solved. You’re welcome!