Why your child should be in diapers until middle school

Posted on April 3, 2012

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Taking your role as big brother seriously

Congratulations! You found an older but still very popular post. If you’re looking for actual advice on putting teens in diapers, you won’t find it here; this is a parody on parenting advice. I did a whole bunch of them and you can find them here. Read on anyway, because if you are looking for advice on teens in diapers then you might appreciate a good laugh or two anyway.

If, on the other hand, you searched “teens in diapers” for, well, let’s just say less, um, mainstream reasons, you’re about to be REALLY disappointed. But even people with weird fetishes enjoy a good laugh sometimes, so feel free to read on.

 

Welcome to this week’s installment of WTF Wednesday, where the advice flows uphill as well as down.

Today’s question comes from our friends over at Kiddie Mojo, makers of some pretty cool stuff, who writes:

Dear IBMP,

Why does my kid have to ‘go’ 5 minutes after entering the car?

The easy answer to your question is: because they can.  It’s all part of the Grand Conspiracy in which your child is a willing accomplice. No doubt your child was adamant that they did not need to pee before getting in the car. That’s how they do it: they front-load you with a false sense of security, wait until you’ve passed the last bathroom for several miles, then cross their legs and eyes and begin the familiar whine-and-squirm show.

Let’s look at some solutions.

It sounds as though you may have made a very common mistake: you potty trained your child.

The diapered child never has to “go”.  It costs a bit more to keep your child in diapers until they’re ten, but the convenience really can’t be beat—especially since by the time they’re around 5, they can change their own diapers.

It’s best to set aside a little cash each week for a therapy fund, though. The “Don’t pick on 8 year-olds just because they’re still wearing diapers” movement is still lagging behind despite great advances in tolerance and anti-bullying awareness efforts.

If you have one of those ridiculously sensitive pre-teens that has a problem being seen in public wearing diapers, there still may be some options for you. In a post on potty training, I discussed several tips, but the section on conditioning is quite relevant. I’ve reproduced it here:

Potty training is serious business. There’s a reason it’s called potty training; it’s not potty practicing or potty wussy-half-assed-maybe-I’ll-use-the-toilet-and-maybe-I-won’t-ing. It’s training. And like all training, it requires years of conditioning and strong coaching. It requires both mental and physical readiness.  And most of all, it requires a good laundry machine.

Many people make the mistake of thinking potty training begins with an introduction to the toilet. This comes way later. Conditioning begins much earlier. The first focus of your conditioning should not be about peeing or pooping at all; it should be about not doing it. Sound counter-intuitive? Just wait until you’re at the movies and your improperly conditioned and trained potty “expert” declares their need for an urgent dash to the loo. That’s when you’ll realize that long before tossing the diapers in the bin you should have been working on stamina.

Stamina involves several muscles, good pain tolerance and the gradual stretching of the appropriate systems (primarily the bladder and the colon). The ideal time to begin conditioning is when your child is still young enough to be unable to remove duct tape from key body parts. The goal is to gradually increase your child’s stamina. I recommend moving on to the next stages of training only after your child is able to sit through the average length movie (about 2 hrs; 6 hrs with commercials and trailers).

Clearly, the applications for car travel are self-evident.

For the particularly environmentally conscious family, here’s a great recycling tip: why toss out grandpa’s catheter and colostomy bags when you can keep them in the car with your child’s booster seat, ready to deploy on long car rides? Imagine all the time you could save—and you’d be doing your part for the environment. Did you know the average colostomy bag takes years to decompose in landfill?

If you’re the do-it-yourselfer in the family, consider converting an old toilet seat into a booster. The more adventurous can drill a hole right through the bottom of the car, eliminating disposal issues altogether. Before trying this, make sure that your car can outrun any angry motorists unfortunate enough to tailgate you at the wrong time.

If that kind of project isn’t within your comfort zone, try mounting the toilet seat atop a bucket. On hot days, just remember to empty the bucket once in a while. Generally, the burning sensation in your eyes is a good indicator that it’s time to check the bucket.

So you see, Ms. Mojo, even if you choose to potty train your pre-teen early, you don’t have to dread those long car rides. With the right training and preparation, you can start every car trip secure in the knowledge that your children’s bickering and fighting can continue without the hassle of having to stop, pee and calm down.

Problem solved! You’re welcome.

Now go have some fun on the rest of I’ve Become My Parents.

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Posted in: Advice (bad)