Here’s your latest batch of my favorite tweets from the past week. Enjoy!
Freshness dated November 23, 2011
On random thoughts
My latest business venture was a #fail. Turns out people don’t actually value bees knees that much after all.
Dear Purina: My dog eats other dogs’ crap. Do you really think he cares about the real meaty flavor of your kibble?
Good thing the holidays are on the way. It’s time for our annual “replace last year’s gold fish” event.
If I invented an animal it would have bee’s knees and rabbit’s feet.
I think I’d call my new animal a beeknee rabbit and I’d let it pick lottery numbers with its nose.
My 10YO: “Hey dad, why’d the teenager get in trouble?” (Um I dunno, why?) “Because he’s a teenager. Duh!”
Anyone have a good recipe for seratonin brownies? I want to test a theory.
Who’s the idiot that decided squeakers would be a good thing to put in dog toys? Clearly he’s either deaf or has no dog of his own.
On search terms people used to find this blog
To the person who found my blog searching “are my parents reading my tweets”: No, but they are tracking your Google searches.
Someone found my blog searching “are you jealous no, are you. give me a kiss facebook.” I can only assume it was Twitter.
Person who found my blog searching “how come my glow in the dark belly ring won’t glow?”: Did you forget to plug it in?
Person who found IBMP searching “stupid things to say when caught off guard” Try: “Wait there while I check this list I got off Google.”
On the song Don’t Worry, Be Happy
“Here’s a little song I wrote; Might want to sing it note for note; Don’t worry, be cautiously optimistic.” Yeah, I like that better.
My big brother’s version: “Here’s a little song I wrote; Might want to sing it note for note; Don’t worry, start running you little twerp”
My dad’s version: “Here’s a little song I wrote; Might want to sing it note for note; Don’t worry? Are you nuts? Of course I’m worried!”
My grandma’s version: “Here’s a little song I wrote; Might want to sing it note for note; What, are you crazy? I should be so lucky”
On Not Quite Quotes
If you love somebody, set them free. If they return, you probably owe them money.
Do not dwell in the past…unless the present really sucks.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It’s just that some beholders have better taste than others.
Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing. Unless you prefer to stay married.
Honesty is the best policy. Unless you prefer to stay married.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Unless you prefer to stay married.
He who fails to plan, plans to marry someone who’s a better planner.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I’ll slash your tires.
You snooze, you lose. But you’ll be well-rested so there’s that.
To err is human. To admit it is divine.
People who live in glass houses should not throw my grandmother’s fruitcake.
Time waits for no man. Except my son, over whom time has no control whatsoever.
Life is a give and take. I’ll give you my opinion and you’ll take it without question. ‘Kay?
Tis better to give than to receive fruitcake.
A rose by any other name still makes me sneeze.
Success is to be measured not so much by the position one has reached in life as by the obstacles he has put in front of his competition.
You can have my grandma’s fruitcake and eat it too. It’ll be at least a month before it’s digested.
People with kidney stones should not run in glass houses.
He who laughs last is probably alone because he’s so obnoxious that everyone else has left.
Be the change you want to see in the world. Unless the change has to do with diapers because that would be weird.
To each his own. Unless it’s chocolate, then you share with me.
Birds of a feather are pretty much the only kind of birds.
Don’t count your chickens before you decide what to have for breakfast.
Life is like a box of chocolates: there are always too many nuts.
Hey Early Bird, you can have the worm, just don’t wake me on your way out the door. #priorities
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Unless your lemons are metaphorical; then you’re screwed. Sorry.
Extra credit. If these make sense to you then congratulations, you’re a social media nerd.
I just unlocked the “Spending Too Much Time Dicking Around On The Internet” Badge on wastingmytime.com
I’m creating a new social site called Timesuckr. Who’s in?
My new social site is going to be called Timesuckr and you can earn currency called BossBlockers. It’ll be an ideal site to be on at work.
Dear Klout: Saying something that influences 50% of your followers to dump you is nonetheless influence. We should get credit for that.